Mac Says

(while catching tadpoles in the creek)
Me: Look Mac, that tadpole has a tail and that one doesn't.
Mac: I wish I had a tail...I just have a butt.

(handing Mac a bunch of pennies to throw in the fountain)
Me: For every penny you throw in the fountain, you get to make a wish.
Mac: Wow!
(throws one penny in)
Mac: I wish for ice cream.
(throws one penny in)
Mac: I wish for ice cream.
(throws one penny in)
Mac: I wish for ice cream.
(throws one penny in)
Mac: I wish for ice cream.
Me: You can wish for something else too.
(throws one penny in)
Mac: I wish for ice cream with cherries.

Me: What do you think Mim wants for her birthday?
Mac: A duck blind and a new dump truck.

(while holding a very dead cricket)
Mac: I found this cricket. He jumped a lot.  He's not jumping anymore.  I killed him just a little bit. He's ok though.

(while driving in the car to the park)
Mac: Daddy's my favorite.  Not you, mommy.
Me: I know.  Thanks for hurting my feelings.
Mac: You're welcome.

(in the car on the way to school - he dropped his tractor and couldn't reach it)
Mac: Oh fuck.
Me:  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (says nothing but freaks out internally)
Mac: Oh foxes.
Mac: Oh fix.
Mac: Oh shoot.
Mac: Mama, what do I say when I drop something?

(while playing with his Buzz Lightyear)
Mac: Buzz Lightyear...and BEYOND!! I have a laser and I'm not afraid to use it.  I'm going to pop out my wings so I can fly around in this moment.

Mac: When I'm 20 I'm going to be bigger than a tree and I can reach the sky and I'm not going to eat your vegetables anymore and you can't make me, ok?

(while taking a walk in the stroller)
Mac: Look mama, an airplane in the sky.  I wish I was an airplane.
Me: You want to be an airplane?
Mac: A jet.
Me: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Mac: I'm going to be a jet way high up in the sky.  All by myself with no grown-ups.
Me: No grown-ups?
Mac: No, just me by myself with a juice box.
Me: Where will you fly?
Mac: To Florida.
Me: Can I go to Florida with you?
Mac: Maybe, if you say please and eat all your dinner.

Me: Mac, watch your sister for a minute while I run upstairs and turn the oven on.  I'll be right back.
(five seconds later Mim's crying hysterically)
Me:  What did you do to her?
Mac: Nothing.
Me: What happened?
Mac: Hmmm...I think a lobster-rapper (velociraptor) got her.

(while playing downstairs)
Mac: Mama, don't be scared, but there are 20 wolves and 5 bears about to eat you up.
Me: Oh no, I'm a little bit scared. What should we do?
Mac: It's ok.  I've got a gun and a knife and I'm going to protect you, ok?  I'm going to kill them and cut them open and their guts will be all over the ground with blood.
Me: Ummmm...ok...  What kind of shows have you and daddy been watching lately?
Mac: Daniel Tiger.
Me: Does Daniel Tiger ever have to kill wolves?
Mac: Yeah.  Sometimes.

(as he's dancing around the living room)
Me: Mac, do you have to go potty?
Mac: Sometimes I do...sometimes I don't.
Me: Ok.  Do you have to go right now?
Mac: Negatory, mamacita.


(on a run, while I'm pushing both kids uphill in the double stroller)
Mac: Are you even running?  Why are we going so slow?  You need to practice more so you can get better at this.

(overheard from the next room while talking to his nanny)
Mac: pasando para mee jobba stucka mollo pop
Beth: What?
Mac: That's Spanish, Beshy.
Beth: Oh. Wow. Who's been teaching you Spanish?
Mac: I just know it.

(while fishing with Ryan)
Ryan: I don't know where that thing is.  I haven't seen it in months.
Mac: It's in the barn, daddy.
Ryan: How do you know that?
Mac: Because I'm really smart.


(while wrestling in the basement)
Me: I don't want to wrestle anymore.  You just kicked me in the stomach and it hurts.
Mac: Awww...your tummy hurts?  You should go poop.  Then it'll feel better.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Mac: Bigger than you.
Me: Well, that won't take much, I'm pretty short.
Mac: Yeah, you need to eat more dinner. How about tomorrow night you can eat all my vegetables, ok?

(at his very first parade as they're giving him candy)
Mac: LOOK!!!  They gave me candy!!!
Mac: They're just giving me all this candy, mama!!  They're just giving it to me!!!
Mac: What the heck?!  How am I going to eat ALL THIS CANDY???!!
Mac: MORE CANDY!!!!
Baltimore = Golfinmore
Alabama = Amabama
armpits = armpickles
mashed potatoes = pash matatoes
tornado siren = potato siren