Running from the Law: Some Thoughts on Motherhood

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Some Thoughts on Motherhood

Pardon me while I get a little emotional today.  One year ago I was packing my hospital bag full of tiny pink clothes and blankets, not knowing what to expect when our little lady graced us with her presence.  Would she be healthy? Would she surprise us and come early? Would she look like me?  Even already having a child couldn't prepare me for how wonderful it would be to add her to our family.  Mac was my first love - he made me a mama.  I earned that title after years of struggling to get pregnant and the first year of his life was the hardest year of my life.  I really struggled to figure out who I was as a mom, a wife, a friend and a person - there's nothing like having a baby that will make you question yourself personally (and question your sanity).  But everything was different the second time around - from an easy labor/delivery, to a quick recovery to the instantaneous bond I felt with her.  All that stress and anxiety I felt melted away.  It was all so easy and she was so easy to love. 
That's not to say that having two kids is easy.  By no means do I mean that.  It's been hard, but in a different way that that first year as a new parent was.  I've only been doing this "mom of 2" thing for a year now, but I feel like I've gained so much perspective.  I know that eventually babies will sleep through the night, formula won't hurt your precious child, the cheap diapers leak, it's okay to dress your baby in pajamas for the first 9 months of their life and that's it's almost ALWAYS just a phase. Whenever it feels like it will never get better...it always does.  Having two kids (and pets and a job and a husband and a house and a blog) is 80% triage and 20% searching for your lost keys/pacifier/shoe/tractor/phone. 
But having two kids has also given me more patience and willpower than I ever thought I'd have. Wait! Don't get me wrong, I still lose my shit ALL the time (like at least once a day), but we're hanging in there (sometimes) (and it could be SO much worse, I think).  These two tiny souls push my buttons and test my patience, but I couldn't love them more.  I may be teaching them about life, but they're teaching me what life is all about.  Life's about baby giggles, catching lightening bugs and bedtime stories about goats.  It's about her tiny toes and his first bike and our week on the beach.  It's about going from a cool sane mama to a psychotic screaming mess and back again in a five minute span.  It's about love and laughter and losing your mind every now and then.   
This parenthood thing is hard, but loving these kids is really easy (well, at least it is on days when they nap). Being a mom changes you, fundamentally.  Motherhood is both an incredible uniting factor and the cause of a lot of loneliness and isolation at times. Three years in and I'm still trying to figure out how to be me and where my former self went.  I'm the best and worst possible versions of myself at the same time.  I've lost touch with friends and gained others in unlikely places.  I feel left out a lot and awkward in situations where I used to be so confident.  I constantly feel like I'm failing as a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister.  My husband is both my best friend and my biggest competition. My newsfeed is full of the stuff of parental nightmares and everything has the power to terrify me these days.  I have no idea if I'm doing anything right.  I'm still trying to figure it all out and cram it all in. There's never enough time.  
And yet time marches on.  Our little baby Mim turns one in a couple weeks and I'm torn up about it (as you can probably tell). Watching her grow this past year has been such an incredible blessing.  Not a day passes that I don't thank my lucky stars that she's healthy and happy and mine. She's my rainbow baby, my second chance, my love after loss...a surprise when I needed it most.  Being her mama has brought me more joy than she may ever know...at least not until she has children of her own.  I will freely admit that I was terrified when we found out that we were having a girl.  Having a boy comes with it's own set of issues, but being a girl and knowing what's to come as she gets older is scary. My mind keeps flash-forwarding to teenage drama, slamming doors, sneaking out, inappropriate boyfriends and all those things that I did against my parents' wishes.  I can't help but hurt for the future her that will get rejected by the boys she likes and hurt by the girls she thinks are her friends.  I cringe to know that she'll make all the same mistakes I did and that there might be days, weeks or even longer where she wants very little to do with me. My mommy heart aches already.  
But my heart has also expanded a hundred-fold, just having her in it.  We may have tumultuous years ahead of us, but we have so many amazing ones right now before we get there and will hopefully have a lifetime more after the hormones subside.  Right now, she's my little girl...my last baby.  Right now she thinks I'm hilarious and would risk life and limb to cross the room and get into my arms when I walk in the door.  I'm desperately trying to soak up every second I can of her, knowing that it's all flying by so incredibly quickly this time around.  I kiss those toes and tickle her neck a hundred times a day.  I snuggle with her long after she falls asleep and I spend an unhealthy amount of time studying her tiny features.  Right now she is so perfect, so loving and kind and trusting.  I want to protect her with all the ferocity of a thousand mama bears. 
But, as much as I am sad that the baby years are behind us, I'm also really looking forward to what's next for us. I can't wait to teach Mim how to do a cartwheel, watch her first t-ball game, take her on a mother-daughter girls weekend getaway.  I want to introduce her to The Great Gatsby, buy her a twirly princess dress and make sure she can drive a stick shift.  I can't wait to watch Mac make a basket with a real basketball, teach him how to carve a jack-o-lantern and take him on a roller coaster.  I want to be there when he has questions about girls and needs advice about what to wear on a date.  I'm excited to watch both kids grow to love and take care of each other and learn how to play together.  It may take them twenty years, but I think eventually they'll be best friends.  So long as he doesn't eat all her snacks, then there'll be hell to pay.   
*Mim's dress is Pink Chicken from Sugar Bit 

How are you feeling about motherhood these days?
Is it turning you into an emotional mess too or is that just me?
Ugh.  ;) 

30 comments:

  1. I love this! I know I'm a bit behind but, for the first time this morning Jack held his bottle on his own. While I think it's cute & awesome I also see it as his first "independent" move & it hurts a little. I want him to be my baby forever! In the same breath, I'm excited to watch him grow & see who he becomes. Oh the emotional momma-coaster!!

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  2. Every time you write, I feel like you are literally stealing the words from my mouth. You are such an inspiration, a wonderful mama - those babes are lucky to have you! And they are forever your little babes. Xoxoxo

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  3. Lord... you have me crying at work. I love this post. Nicklas is turning 3 in 2 months and it is killing me. I can not believe Mim is almost 1. Time please slow down!!

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  4. Such an emotional post! I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote. Being a mom is downright exhausting...and trying and stressful and frustrating and I could go on and on! However, it's also one of the best things I've ever experienced. The days may be long, but the years are short and these babies will have babies of their own before we even know!

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  5. Amen sister!! :) I feel exactly like you. I go from fu happy mom to disciplinarian so quick my neck hurts. I also love them both so ferociously that I want to pull them close and not let anyone else near them. I want them to be strong and independent, but tear up when they meet new milestones. Goodness being a parent is such a crazy ride!!

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  6. This is such a great post. I don't remember my life before Mary Tilman but I don't know that I would want to. While it is the hardest job I will ever have it is the most rewarding one!

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  7. What a wonderful post. Motherhood is quite the rollercoaster. It's amazing how you can feel so many things all at once when it comes your children. My daughter is going to be 2 on the 26th and my mind is blown that 2 years just passed in the blink of an eye. I'm proud of what I've accomplished as a mom thus far but, at the same time, I also feel like a failure because I'm not there all the time - because I have to work. But I love this kid with all of my being and motherhood is truly the greatest thing ever. Thank you for sharing such emotional thoughts. And happy early birthday to Mim! :)

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  8. A beautifully written post! I laughed hard at your triage comment! And yes, everything is always a phase. I think I have PTSD from some of those "phases" though and and am terrified to relive them all with Finn!

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  9. Whyyyy did I read this at work? Crying over here. So, so so much and every word is true. I definitely don't recognize myself some days and others I feel I'm the best person I've ever been. It completely changes your life and all the reason for it. Beautiful post <3

    And now I'm off to stop my mascara from running....

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  10. LOVE. You have such a way of writing that is so beautiful and honest and raw and perfect. Everytime I read your post, I feel like I can connect. And although I only have one child, I feel a lot of the same things that you are. For some reason, I was so excited about Mason's birthday and now I can't believe he is going to be THREE. I feel like these past 3 years have gone by way too fast and I haven't done even half of what I wanted to do. But alas, time keeps moving forward and while I'm sad my baby is not a baby anymore, I am SO excited to see him grow and learn in the future! Bring on the baseball games!

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  11. First time commenter-- I'm expecting my first child in November and lately have been feeling so emotional about impending motherhood-- what it will mean for me, how it will change me, etc. This was a great post to read and definitely what I needed to read this morning!

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  12. I loved this post and your child is the most adorable creature ! Great fashion sense too . I think it is great that you have put so much emotion into your post and it really shows how passionate about motherhood and blogging you really are xx http://analuisadejesus199.wix.com/fadedspring

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  13. Of course my kids are right at 6 months behind your two, but my goodness these words could have come straight out of my brain! Of course, I couldn't have written them so well, but I found myself nodding along with you the whole way. And these pictures of Mim are amazing!!!

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  14. such an excellent post! I'm almost in your shoes (I have a 5 month old who is just growing up WAAAAY too fast over here), and a 2.5 year old who some days acts like she's 12. Motherhood is such an emotional, physical, and crazy journey, and I'm shocked every day that I survive it! Happy almost birthday to your little one!

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  15. Crying, emotional mess, right here.
    While M2 isn't here, yet, I'm already feeling so many of these things. And, simultaneously mourning the fact that Marcus will no longer be an only child.
    This parenting gig is no joke.

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  16. You expressed this beautifully. I am going through all these emotions too but couldnt have gotten them out any better than this! We just celebrated my youngest's 1st birthday and it just happened so fast! Baby's don't keep but the future holds such wonderful possibilities.

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  17. Absolutely beautiful, I don't think you could have said it any better! You have two precious children and you are one amazing momma! Xo, Stephanie

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  18. Great post! I feel all these things about Noah! And maybe you and Mim will always be the best of friends. I don't ever remember not being close to my mom growing up, even through the teenage years, so it is possible :).

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  19. Sweet, sweet pictures of your beautiful girl! I can really relate to this post, I had a son first and daughter second, and time just marches on far too quickly.

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  20. This is spot on - the fears, the joys, everything. I'm right there with ya..!! With my kids being a few months behind yours in age and same order, working momma, etc., you've always been one I could really relate to. Thanks for sharing this because sometimes it scares the piss out of me how emotional they make me..!! I always wonder if what I'M going through is a phase or just comes with being a mom, haha!! So thanks. :)

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  21. Beautiful post. Choked me up as I sit here waiting for my rainbow to come. Okay. Now I'm crying. All the feels. Ditto to all that you said. I'm a little - or a lot scared about becoming a Mama of two, but I know at least a little bit about the joy that will come with. Thanks for the beautiful post!

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  22. Beautiful post. Choked me up as I sit here waiting for my rainbow to come. Okay. Now I'm crying. All the feels. Ditto to all that you said. I'm a little - or a lot scared about becoming a Mama of two, but I know at least a little bit about the joy that will come with. Thanks for the beautiful post!

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  23. Beautiful post. Choked me up as I sit here waiting for my rainbow to come. Okay. Now I'm crying. All the feels. Ditto to all that you said. I'm a little - or a lot scared about becoming a Mama of two, but I know at least a little bit about the joy that will come with. Thanks for the beautiful post!

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  24. Motherhood is such a crazy journey. I loved this post, it was just what I needed to read after a long first week back at work after mat leave. Trying to find a new normal and do it all these days, and this makes me feel like even if I don't have all my shit together that it's all going to be just fine. Thanks for this!!

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  25. What a beautiful and real post! Thinking about my future kids' teenage years terrifies me to no end. I'm glad there are lots of other mama that will pave the way. Hurray for blogs!

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  26. I say this to all of your posts, but a huge YES to all of this! Life is most definitely about love, laughter, and going crazy every now and then (like daily). And why does time move so freakin fast all of a sudden?? You perfectly summed up all the crazy mess of emotions that is motherhood. Nothing pre-kids could've prepared me for the insanity and raw vulnerability and love that I feel now, but it really is the best kind of crazy :)

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  27. This is great! Going from one to two is hard! And I feel you on losing your shit every day! I feel like I do too even though I am a thousand times more patient now then I used to be. My babies are my world and I wouldnt trade them for anything, they are definitely my entertainment.

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  28. I'm not crying..... Ok yes I am crying. Thank you for making me feel completely normal and know that I'm not alone in this crazy life called parenthood. And having you has a friend has definitely been one of the high points of it so far! :) xoxo

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  29. This is so perfect. And so true. And even with two girls, I totally don't have any of it figured out. But, as you said. This time I know that everything is a phase, that nothing lasts forever...even if I want it to.

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  30. So I read this awhile ago, but just couldn't comment. It's beautifully put and hard and sweet and loving all at the same time. Everything you wrote rings so true. I want every moment to last forever but I want to see who they become. I want time to stop and to bask in the love we all feel right now. I want the teenage years to be amazing and not the "just wait" I keep hearing. Thank you for this perfect post. Now to hug those babies.

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