Running from the Law: Still Struggling

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Still Struggling


If you saw my post on Instagram last night, you may know that yesterday was a particularly rough day. The strange thing about dealing with infertility this time around is that it tends to hit me in waves, as opposed to the constant empty ache I felt the first time. Sometimes I can go weeks and not really stress about it, but then it’ll blindside me out of nowhere and I’ll wallow around in a fog of self-pity and doubt for days. I’m not sure whether it was the long detailed message I had to leave on my RE’s voicemail telling her that it’s not working again that triggered these feelings or the fact that it’s been exactly two years since we got pregnant with Mac and I can’t help but think back on that time in our lives and how excited and happy we were. Either way, it hit me hard yesterday and I just want to thank everyone who left a comment or said a prayer for us. 

When we were trying desperately to get pregnant with Mac, I used to get so angry when I’d read about women struggling with secondary infertility. What right did someone with a child have to complain about wanting another one? Why couldn’t they just be thankful for what they had? Why be so greedy when there are so many people that don’t even get one? And I have to say, I still feel that way to a point, but now that the shoe is on the other foot (isn’t that ironic how that happens), I understand. I understand the desire to give your child a sibling because I know how special that is. I understand the longing to have another baby and the desire to experience pregnancy, birth and the miracle of life all over again. I understand the fear of thinking you might not get the chance to do the baby days again. I understand that having one child doesn’t mean that your family is complete. 


I can’t say that dealing with secondary infertility is any harder or easier than dealing with it the first time around, it’s just different. On the one hand, it is easier because I have Mac. I have a perfect, beautiful, healthy baby that was the answer to all my prayers. I am so incredibly blessed and thankful for him. It's also easier because I know now that I can get pregnant, which eliminates a lot of the uncertainty and fear I had the first time around. It gives me great hope to know that it’s happened before (twice), which means it could happen again. But there are some things that make it harder this time around, too. It’s harder because I now know what I’m missing. I’ve experienced pregnancy and birth, first steps and first words, cuddles and kisses. I now know how incredible it is watching my body grow a baby. I know that indescribable feeling of your newborn sleeping on your chest. I know what I’m missing out on if I don’t have another baby. The thought of not getting to experience those amazing things all over again breaks my heart into a million pieces. But then again, at least I got to experience it once.


Lately I feel like I’m once again sliding down that slippery slope of infertility-induced anger and jealousy that I had such a hard time with the first time around. I told myself over and over that this time, if it happened again, I’d be a better/stronger person - I’d have more patience, I’d be more gracious, I’d be easier on myself. But sometimes I can’t help but feel jealous when a friend announces that she’s pregnant with her second or third child. I can’t seem to let go of that last bit of anger that I have to go through all this again. Why me? And most of all, I feel guilty for wanting this so badly. Guilty for wanting another when there are so many more people out there that are more deserving and are still waiting for one. The anger and jealousy are feelings that I really struggled with the first time around. I went to a dark place for a while where I really couldn’t see past my own sadness and couldn’t be happy for anyone. I don’t want to go back there. Guilt is a new emotion for me this time around that I wasn’t expecting to feel. It's like not allowing yourself to hurt because you don't feel like you are worthy of the pain, which makes you feel even worse because you can't properly hurt. It’s basically the perfect trifecta of misery. 


Part of me is hesitant to put any of this down in words; especially the part of me who still feels like wanting another child is getting greedy. Opening myself up and talking about my struggles has been incredibly scary, but also cathartic. There’s something very healing about putting your thoughts into physical tangible words. I know this post will probably draw a lot of “just be thankful for the one you have” comments, so I want to address that right up front and say that not a second goes by that I’m not eternally thankful and grateful for my child. He is my world…and if I can’t have another baby, then my story still has a happy ending. I know how lucky I am. But I also know deep down in my heart that I have so much more love to give. I want to share my life with another child. I want to be a mom again. I want a house full of chaos and disorder and bickering siblings. I want to love another baby. 


I know it’s a sensitive topic and a very hard thing to talk about, but if there’s anyone else out there going through this too, please feel free to contact me if you ever want to feel a little less alone. My heart goes out to anyone wishing and hoping for a baby, whether it’ll be your first or your fifth. I’m right there with you...again (and us bitches gotta stick together). 


Love.

42 comments:

  1. I think you're so brave for talking about this. I think what's important to remember is everyone's feelings are valid exactly where they're at in life...yours, too :) Prayers for you guys. xo

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  2. You're such an amazing mommy, you deserve to spread all the love you can.
    I'm sending more hugs and prayers your way.
    xoxo

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  3. Thinking of you. You are brave and smart and honest. Beautiful post on a tough topic.

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  4. Praying so hard for you and your beautiful family <3

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  5. Sara, what an amazing post. I understand every word that you wrote, although I have been struggling to get pregnant with my first child and haven't encountered the feelings that you are going through with getting pregnant with a second child yet. There is not a single doubt in my mind that you will be pregnant with a second child and be able to complete your family and give Mac a sibling. I know the delay is killing you, but one benefit is that you get to spend some more one-on-one time with Mac while you are waiting for your perfect second child. Hang in there!!

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  6. I can totally see where you're coming from. We struggled for a year to get pregnant with Jackson. I know a year isn't all that long compared to so many who struggled years or are still waiting, but it seems like an eternity when you're waiting for something you want so badly. After talking to my doctor and taking a round of Clomid, we finally got pregnant. I am so thankful for Jackson, but a part of me worries we'll have to go through that long wait again or worse yet, may wait forever. I can't help but worry and wonder. Like you, I know I'm so blessed to have my beautiful boy, but I would love to have a sibling for him and pray that that dream becomes a reality someday.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  7. You are allowed to feel any way you want to feel. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but please know that I am praying for you!

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  8. Kudos for being open and honest. I wish I could give you a hug!! I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but I think your feelings are completely justifiable. While I can't relate myself, I have a few close friends that are really struggling. One has been trying for 4 years with never getting pregnant. Multiple surgeries, tests, Dr.'s later and there isn't much for answers for them. I wish you strength and peace, and know that God has a plan, and you will understand it all as the years go one.

    Thinking of you!

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  9. Big hugs, girl. After my miscarriage, I vividly remember having those thoughts about why having a child and THEN miscarrying is still really hard. You know what you are missing. You aren't being greedy, you just *know* that motherhood is freaking amazing and magical and special while also being the most challenging role on earth. Of course you want to do it all over again---no guilt there. You are being respectful from where you came and respectful of those struggling to get their first babies. Hang in there, girl.

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  10. I'm still semi new here and not really sure what to say. How brave of you to be honest about what you are struggling with. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  11. I admire your courage to speak up in such a public way about a deeply personal topic. I also think that given the circumstances, you have the right to feel, mourn, and deal with this any way you want and anyone who tells you otherwise, in my humble opinion, is just cruel. I had a miscarriage in May so to some extent, I know how you feel. I think the biggest feeling that eats away at me is the knowing what could have been and trying to move on knowing that it won't be. Knowing that your child could have had a sibling and that they would have grown up together is a pretty hard pill to swallow when you realize that it won't happen. I also find myself thinking, "Well today I would have been XX number of weeks along." That's pretty rough. Please know that you aren't alone. I'll be sending prayers your way.

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  12. I don't think wanting another baby to love is greedy at all! I can't believe that someone would say that. Feelings can't be wrong. I'm sorry you're going through this again but prayers for all of you.

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  13. Prayers to you, girl. Love your honesty and courage.

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  14. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this again. Even though it's different this time, it still just sucks. Hugs and prayers to you.

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  15. Thinking of you and sending you virtual strength and hugs.

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  16. Sending good and healing vibes your way - talking about it is so much braver than bottling it up...

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  17. Very touching post. This is the first post of yours that I have read. Definitely praying for you and your family. Your honesty about your feelings is amazing. Good luck - definitely rooting for you!

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  18. "Secondary" infertility is just as hard as the trying to get pregnant the first time. It sucks, there's nothing else to say. You know I've been there and done that, even at the same office, so feel free to vent or talk to me anything. Hugs friend!

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  19. It is so hard! It took one year for my first and two years for my second and I think the second was harder. I went through several rounds of Clomid and two iui's and it still didn't happen. I wanted my kids to be closer in age but God knew what was best but I'm very concerned it will be the same wait if I want any more which makes trying again harder. Praying it happens soon for you!

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  20. Hi, I have been following your blog for quite awhile, and I can so relate to your post. I have a little one who is not quite one, and he is the joy of my husband's and my life. We tried to conceive him for nearly a year with no luck for unexplained reasons. I got pregnant with him via my first IUI. However, due to our struggle the first time around and the fact we are not getting any younger, we started trying again when our little guy was only a few months old. It has been about 6-7 cycles now, and I'm once again sinking into the same jealous/angry stage you mentioned, and there have been a lot of pregnancy announcements around me lately. I have not suffered a miscarriage, but I can only imagine that makes it even harder. I don't feel the same level of desperation I did last time, and it's hard to feel too sorry for myself when I get to wake up to a smiling perfect little angle every morning, but it is still painful to know that I can't just have sex with my husband and conceive like most people. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  21. Oh honey - sending you hugs! Squeeze Mac a little bit tighter, and I'll be hoping someday soon you'll be able to give him a brother or sister. <3 And if you're still going to visit DC, I can give you that hug in person soon :)

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  22. It doesn't matter if it's your first kid or your fifteenth kid. It doesn't matter if you've waited one month or 36 months. All your feelings are 100% justifiable. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you all the best and happy fertile days in the future. :)

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  23. I totally feel you on this! Lost my first baby earlier this year and still not pregnant yet. It's difficult when those overwhelming moments of self pity and sadness hit. I keep reminding myself that right now this feels like a long, awful journey, but years from now it will feel like it went by fast. Hang in there!

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  24. I tried to comment last night but my iPad wouldn't let me. Gonna toss that thing in the trash.

    What I wanted to say was HUGS lady. It must be an awful mix of emotions that you are experiencing. However, please try to be kind to yourself. Try not to feel guilty for feeling what you are feeling. If you feel sad, that doesn't mean you don't appreciate the gifts you have in your life. You are a fabulous mama and person and that won't change, whether you have 1 or 10 kids. xoxo

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  25. I know I already told you all the things, but, I will just repeat myself--because that's what obnoxious friends do--I just love you so, so much. You and Ryan have a perfect and beautiful family and I have no doubts that you will have many more children--after all, whose kids am I going to kidnap and teach to sing in the mountains of Austria? This is my point. Anyways, you are amazing and wonderful and a great mom who will have a whole brood of little blonde children running around oh so very soon. Of this, I have no doubts. Know that you're in my prayers and that I have perfect faith that it will happen.

    And, in the interim, you can jet off to London to get pissed with your favorite Texan turned Londoner.

    Love ya babe!

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  26. Us bitches do need to stick together. I totally get it. And so sorry. Sorry for the physical struggle and also sorry for the emotional struggle. Especially the infertility-induced anger and jealousy. That's a bitch. Hugs, hugs and some more hugs.
    PS- thanks for sharing.

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  27. Saw this post just before I saw yours, and thought you might get a kick out of it...http://mattyerika.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-next-best-game.html.

    Praying for you and know that Mac will make an awesome brother one day!!

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  28. You are so brave for talking about this subject - I got real on my blog once about our struggles with infertility too! Praying for you and your family!!!!
    {I'm now following you on Instagram!}

    Amanda
    www.ah-themayorswife.blogspot.com

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  29. Thanks for sharing your struggles friends. It's an encouragement to be brave and be honest. hugs.

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  30. Praying for you. So sorry you are having to go through these struggles! Keeping you in my thoughts!

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  31. You should never, ever feel guilty for wanting another child. The fact that you are grateful and are 'lucky to have one' as you say, gives you every right to long for another! I don't think you should be so hard on yourself...sending fertile vibes your way :) (haha). I'll keep you guys in my thoughts.

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  32. We are right there with you. My sweet, sweet girl is 19 months. We call her "the good egg" since I have PCOS and sometimes have poor quality eggs if and when I do ovulate. I had a miscarriage in April, and I am struggling with residual complications 4.5 months later. Some days, I think we will never have another, and it breaks my heart. Because, like you, I want to love another baby. I struggle with all of the feelings you mentioned above, and I want you to know that you are not alone - and, I guess, neither am I. A friend told me about your blog after hearing about our struggle, and I am grateful to be here with you. May your journey be short, and may you find all that you have been looking for.

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  33. Don't struggle girl! Maybe this is God's plan for you, put all of your worries into Him. Have nothing but positivity in your life and I'm sure it will lift you up :)

    Megan
    http://hellonewlywedlife.blogspot.com/2013/08/what-if-blogging-were-sorority.html

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  34. I'm still new to your blog but just wanted to comment as I know these feelings all too well. We struggled with infertility as well (we had IUI to have my daughter and IVF for my son). I'm sorry you are so frustrated and can only hope you will be posting good news soon.

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  35. Thinking of you Sara and know you'll be blessed with at least one more sweet baby like Mac. You are such a strong lady. xoxo

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  36. Beautiful post. I nominated you for The Sunshine Blog Award. I love your blog! Check it out.

    http://babybuttonbrown.blogspot.com/

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  37. I just have faith that it will happen for you...the second time around. And you shouldn't have to apologize or feel guilty for putting your thoughts and worries into words. This is YOUR blog and we read it because we love you. Sending lots and lots of positive fertility vibes your way. Maybe it's time to have a glass of wine {or three!} and enjoy. You deserve every ounce! xo

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  38. Praying for you. Every single feeling you are feeling is valid and true. It's such a hard thing to go through. My heart takes me back to those same emotions and feelings every time I hear someone else is experiencing this pain. I fear going thru it a second time so much. Just know you aren't alone. I know it feels that way but from the looks of it, you have many people praying for you. If you need a listening "ear" or someone to vent to, shoot an email my way!

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  39. Sending prayers and hugs your way, sweet girl!! You are one awesome momma and Mac is so lucky to have you --- praying that you are covered in peace!!!!

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  41. Lifting you up in prayer! I so admire your honesty and pray for peace during this tough time. Much love!

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