Running from the Law: Anatomy of a 3:00 A.M. Wake-Up

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Anatomy of a 3:00 A.M. Wake-Up

What was that?
Was that the baby?
Is she up?
Please tell me she's not up already.
I just went to sleep.
What time is it?
Nearly 3:00 a.m.?
Yep, it's been two full hours since she last ate, so she'll be getting up any minute.
Go back to sleep baby.
Please go back to sleep.
I'll buy you a pony if you go back to sleep.
Five more minutes, baby girl.
Hell, make it fifteen more minutes.
Thirty minutes, baby, please!
Thirty minutes will get you a pony and a fairy princess castle.
Thirty more seconds?
Ok, I'm up.
I'm up!
One more minute.
Alright, I'm up.
Really, I'm getting up right now.
I'm up.
Don't cry.
Please don't cry.
Quiet baby, there are other people sleeping.
Please don't wake up your brother.
I cannot handle him up too.
Feel free to wake up your dad though.
You're going to have to cry a lot louder than that to do it.
He didn't wake up any of the five times you or your brother woke up last night.
Yeah, five times.
That was ridiculous, by the way.
Don't do that again.
But really, how is it possible that he can sleep through all of that?
And that sharp kick I accidentally landed on him when getting back in bed for the third time.
He conveniently slept through that too.
Men can sleep through anything, it's not fair.
It's also not fair that they don't have to do any of the baby growing or feeding.
I mean, I understand that they don't have uteruses.
I'll give them that one.
They could never handle childbirth anyway.
Women are so much stronger.
But they do have nipples!
Why can't they lactate?
They should be able to breastfeed too.
Two parents...two food suppliers.
That seems only fair.
We should both be able to feed the baby we both created.
Men couldn't handle it.
One cracked nipple and they'd throw in the towel.
Let's go downstairs, baby.
Don't want to wake the boys.
Or the dogs.
Oh bless it!
Just tripped over a sleeping dog.
Why do these dogs have to sleep right in the middle of where I need to walk?
They have dog beds.
Really nice expensive dog beds.
I'd sleep in those dog beds.
They look really comfortable.
Heck, I'd sleep in a dog house.
Where it's dark.
And cool.
And quiet.
Oh, sleep...
I'm so tired.
Don't fall down the stairs.
Don't fall down the stairs.
Don't fall down the stairs.
Made it.
Alright love, diaper change.
Try to stay relatively calm, baby.
I'll make this fast.
I'm sorry it's so cold down here.
Although your mama is sweating like crazy.
When do the night sweats end?
It's been two months and I'm still sweating like a pig every night.
My spot in bed is going to be damp when I get back up there.
I need to wash the sheets again tomorrow.
And do the rest of the laundry.
And the dishes.
And vacuum.
And straighten up.
And unload the dishwasher.
And go to the grocery store.
And upload photos.
And work on your baby book.
Ummm...I mean, start your baby book.
You poor second child.
There are seriously not enough hours in the day.
How does anyone with kids ever get things done?
We are never having any more children.
Ok sweetheart, new diaper.
Thanks for not crying.
Oh, a smile!
You're the best baby ever.
I love you so much.
I want more babies!
Give me all the babies!
Are you hungry, honey?
Here you go.
Please eat a lot so you'll sleep longer.
You must eat, tiny baby.
Come on, baby.
Eat, dammit!
What is wrong with you.
No more babies.
Alright, good baby.
TV on.
Pick a show.
How about some Friday Night Lights?
I do love me some Tim Riggins.
I think I may be slightly obsessed with Tim Riggins.
This is probably not a good thing.
But oh, he is something.
The hair and the sweat and the smoldering.
All those terrible choices and bad life decisions.
Totally not my type.
And yet, totally inexplicably perfect.
He's really not 17 years old, right?
Man, this show makes me feel like a dirty old cougar.
High school boys should not look like this.
They most certainly didn't look like this when I was in high school.
But that was like 20 years ago.
Maybe all the preservatives and crap in our food makes them look like this now.
What are they going to look like when you're in high school, baby?
By the way, you're going to an all girls high school.
With nuns.
Lots of nuns.
You will never date.
You will definitely never date a Tim Riggins.
You will never even look at a Tim Riggins, ok?
Boys like Tim Riggins cannot be trusted.
They can't even keep their clothes on.
No one in high school can keep their clothes on.
It's disgusting.
Please take your shirt off, Tim Riggins.
God, I love this show.
Are you finished eating, love?
That was not enough to get you through the next 6 hours.
That's the absolute minimum amount of time mommy needs to recharge.
I haven't had more than 4 straight hours of sleep in two months now.
And that's only happened once.
You should eat more, baby.
Lots more.
And no spitting up.
Stop it.
Keep it in, baby.
Now we're both drenched.
Hope you don't mind sleeping in damp clothes.
Mommy does it all the time.
Seriously, night sweats are the worst.
Definitely not going to hurt you.
Although you probably won't smell all that great tomorrow.
Join the club.
I'm not sure I even showered today.
Or yesterday.
What day is it anyway?
Who cares.
Let's get back to bed, baby.
Mama's tired.
Don't fall up the stairs.
Don't fall up the stairs.
Don't fall up the stairs.
Tiptoe down the hall.
Super quiet now, baby, we're passing your brother's room.
Damn dogs!
Back to bed.
Sleep little one.
This is me casting a sleep spell over you.
Sleeeeeeeeeeeep.  Sleeeeeeeeeeep.
You are so beautiful when you sleep.
Oh, this bed is lovely.
I wish it wasn't so damp.
Is that the toddler I hear?
I'm ignoring it.
If I ignore him it'll stop, right?
Please go back to sleep.
I'll buy you a pony if you go back to sleep...
Ok, he's quiet.
All's quiet.
So peaceful.
Except for the snoring dogs and the snoring husband.
And the cat running up and down the hallway chasing nothing.
And the monitors buzzing with white noise.
And that ambulance siren in the distance.
Well, it's almost peaceful.
And it's almost 4 a.m.
How did that happen?
Closing my eyes now baby...
Was that her?
It's 6 a.m.!
How was that 2 more hours?
I just fell asleep!
I didn't even get to have a Tim Riggins dream.
I told you to eat more, baby.
I thought we had a deal.
Screw the pony, I'll buy you a BMW.
Five more minutes...


  1. OMG!! I love it!! I especially love the Tim Riggins part... is it bad I dream of him!! Anyway!! Hope you get a good nap today!!!

  2. Oh my gosh yes! These are the exact thoughts that went through my head in those early days! You're not alone! :)

  3. Seriously...I've even pulled out the "Dear God...please this time." I know that's totally wrong, but I am totally desperate, too! PS I saw a news story this morning that men PRETEND to be asleep!!! I know that they are good sleepers, but come on!

  4. Oh how familiar this sounds! I was laughing from start to finish while reading it. Especially about men...and waking up the toddler!!

  5. Love it! I am impressed your mind can think about all that between 3-4am!

  6. Hahaha true all of it!! Our dog sleeps right in the hallway and I trip on her every night.

  7. Lol love this!! Only a couple of months and I will be right back there with ya. And seriously...the sleeping non-breastfeeding husbands are not cool!

  8. lol!! this is awesome! I fell down the stairs twice with C in my arms! Just straight up missed the last 2 steps...oops. Men can sleep though anything,

  9. Love this - made me smile :) Now I hope you get some sleep soon!

  10. Bah! Love this... everything rings oh so true!

  11. haha love this! So true. I feel for you right now mommy. I'm terrified of having another baby crying and subsequently waking the toddler too. Hopefully you'll get some quality shut eye soon!

  12. I'm almost crying from laughing so hard. Thank you!

  13. Omg did I write this? Haha I think ALL these thoughts and you know I am up with you at 3am (PCT). Seriously why the heck can't men breastfeed, we have to do it all!

  14. Pretty sure I spit coffee at the computer screen on more than one occasion. This is so spot on!!

  15. Awesome post for this Friday morning!! Hopefully you get more sleep soon -- totally hear you on the toddler waking up 5 times the previous night. Baby C has been a relative dream baby in terms of the sleep department. However, because of Big Sis R there have been many sleepless nights!

  16. Sooo true and hilarious!! Do you have a debate with yourself at bedtime? I always run a similar internal dialogue:
    It's 10. Do I go to bed now or do I send emails or read? Or blog? Or sleep? I'm so tired I should sleep. But she will be up around 11:30, 12 tops. Is it worth trying to get some sleep?
    I of course debate this while remembering to lock the back door or I need to turn on the fan or get water for my nightstand.

  17. Hilarious! It's like you were inside my head the days of middle of night feedings.

  18. This is so so so so so true! Especially the sweating in the middle of the night and being drenched!

  19. And why am I choosing to go through this again???? I'm dealing with those crazy night sweats right now anyway...can't wait to continue them on once Nora arrives.

    But this is stinking hilarious, laughing hysterically about how true this is!

  20. This is seriously perfect. Sleep deprivation sucks but at least you can think about all the other moms all over the world up with their littles in the quiet (well, it's all relative) of the night.

  21. OMG. YES! I seriously felt like I was there with you and/or reliving Mason's newborn stage (minus the don't wake the toddler part). But the husband part is SPOT ON. I LOVE THIS!

  22. Oh gosh, that is so funny! And true! I barely remember the newborn/baby stage, but this brings is allllll back. Hope you can get some uninterrupted sleep soon!

  23. Hahaha this is awesome! I really don't get why men have nipples if they can't help feed! And they seriously can sleep through anything!

  24. Hi! New reader here, I just found you through Instagram!! As a soon to be new momma I actually find this post hilarious!! I mean, I know it's not in the moment but, it's brutally honest & funny! I know my nights will soon sound something like this & I'm sure when the time comes it will be comforting to know that I'm not alone! Love your blog & can't wait to read more!!

  25. Oh my goodness, this is so true and funny. Every single word of it!!