Running from the Law: Confessions of a Breastfeeding Failure

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Confessions of a Breastfeeding Failure


CAUTION: If you are one of the three men that read this blog (hi dad!), you might just want to skip this post because today we're talking about boobs.  Well, breastfeeding really, but boobs are definitely involved.  Consider yourself warned.

Ok, so boobs!  We've all got 'em - so, why is it so much easier for some of us to use them than others?  Why is that some people succeed at breastfeeding with little effort, while others go to great lengths and fail?  Why is it that everyone in the world seems to think it's their business whether or not you breastfeed, making the stress, guilt and pressure nearly unbearable at times?  Oh, if I only knew the answer to these questions.  (You weren't actually expecting me to have real answers were you?)
  

One of the things I've read over and over again from new moms is how they are completely surprised to to discover how hard it is to breastfeed.  It's not like this is a secret or anything - everyone seems to tell you this, yet it doesn't actually sink in until someone hands you a tiny hungry newborn minutes after the most painful and traumatizing experience of your life and expects you and said newborn to know exactly what to do with those previously non-functional decorative assets on your chest. Boobs...they're not just for breakfast anymore.

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that I struggled with breastfeeding with both kids.  My attempts with Mac were a disaster (which you can read all about on Julie's Breastfeeding Diaries series).  Long story short, he never really figured out nursing, I made myself sick with stress and guilt about it and ended up exclusively pumping for 8 months.  It was awful and I vowed to never put myself through that kind of guilt-trip again.  But why didn't it work for us?  Looking back at my efforts with him now, I chalk a lot of our struggles up to a combination of new mom syndrome (severe exhaustion, crazy hormones, overly-emotional, scared shitless, etc.), oversupply and a difficult baby.  I had a tough birth (17 hours of labor followed by c-section) and was a physical and emotional wreck for weeks.  I felt like every tiny decision I made at the time was life and death and would affect us in the most dramatic ways. I was so incredibly hard on myself as a new mom because I was convinced that it would all work out if I just tried harder.  Mac was also very hard to feed, even with a bottle, and had I been die-hard and persisted with breastfeeding to the breaking point, I still don't think he would have breastfed well and we probably would have both lost our freaking minds.  My oversupply issue sure didn't help anything, either. My breasts drowned him, even by pumping before feeding and using a shield. Nothing seemed to help. Even using a bottle, he had a hard time eating for months and would gag and squawk and spit-up profusely. 

Needless to say, I went into my next pregnancy with a lot of anxiety and trepidation about how breastfeeding would go the second time, but told myself that if it didn't work it'd be fine and we could just move on.  As it turns out, my experience with Mim was completely different.  Perhaps because I had a less traumatic birth or because I knew what I was doing the second time or because she was just an easier baby...who knows.  But she latched right on and was a rock star nurser...until she wasn't.  All of a sudden at 9 weeks, she was DONE.  I thought we had everything figured out (and I was feeling quite smug about it) when suddenly she absolutely refused to nurse. What happened this time?  Hell if I know.  Maybe it was the oversupply; maybe it was my flat nipples; maybe she thought I reeked and needed to shower more frequently.  Babies are irrational beings. I saw three lactation consultants and we tried everything. Every position, every angle, every attachment and strategy and method. But despite having two lovely months of breastfeeding (although it was still hard and very painful), I didn't get the nursing experience that I wanted to have.  That's when all those horrible emotions I felt the first time around came rushing back and sent me into a downward spiral of despair. There's nothing like being rejected by your babies to make you feel like a horrible failure of a mother.  

Once again, I pumped.  And pumped and pumped and pumped. For an additional six months. Just like I told myself I would never do.  I hated every minute of it. So why did I do it?  Love? Guilt? Pressure? Insanity? I honestly don't know sometimes. I have nothing against formula. I don't exactly enjoy milking myself like a cow.  I'm not into pain and torture.  But I love my baby and I felt so much pressure (from both myself and society) to give her the very best I possibly could and that was one thing I came up with that I could do.  I'm now almost a month out ending my pumping career and my breasts are (ever so slowly) returning to their non-lactating, saggy and deflated sad state of being and I couldn't be happier about it.  I don't regret pumping (I'm super proud of myself for doing it and proud of my body for being able to nourish her), but I sure do wish I would have let myself off the hook and instead used that time to snuggle the baby or play with my toddler. Oh, hindsight, you bitch.

But through all these struggles, I have been amazed at how wonderful other moms can be.  All that "societal" pressure I was feeling to breastfeed certainly never came from anyone I knew or any pressure I directly received from someone in my life.  Actually, it was the exact opposite. Every time I mentioned my struggles on this blog I received an outpouring of love and support for whatever we did.  No one ever questioned my commitment to my children or my love for them. No one but me made me feel like a failure.  

But in order to get over these negative feelings that I had somehow failed, I had to work through some pretty intense emotions. I had to mourn for the lost breastfeeding experience that I had hoped for.  I had to get over the anger I felt towards both my babies for rejecting me (yes, I know that sounds crazy).  I had to make peace with my body for once again failing me (as it had with getting pregnant, staying pregnant and giving birth).  And I had to get over the feeling that missing out on this aspect of motherhood meant that I was a bad mother.  Lots to overcome. And I'm still working through some of this stuff.  These feelings don't just disappear overnight or with the first formula-filled bottle you give your child.  They will probably haunt me (at least a little bit) for the rest of my life.  Although, hopefully I won't be on my deathbed decades from now lamenting on my lost breastfeeding experience.  Seriously Sara, let it go!!
What I've come to learn about this whole experience is that every mom is different and has different strengths and weaknesses (doesn't that sound cliche?).  Instead of focusing on the aspects of motherhood that make me feel bad about myself, I need to focus on the good/positive things that I have more control over. Being a breastfeeding failure doesn't make me a bad mom, just like being able to easily breastfeed wouldn't necessarily make me a good mom. I have other mommy superpowers, like the ability to heal boo boos with a single kiss, take beautiful photos of my children or turn a walk down the street into a space exploration adventure.  I have to not be so hard on myself for this. And whatever way you are feeding your baby, whether by choice or by unforeseen circumstances, I hope you're not beating yourself up about it.  Let's all just give each other some grace to do what we need to do and know that as long as our babies are getting fed, they are happy, healthy and loved.  You are a good mom, too!

Did you breastfeed? 
Do you feel like you failed at breastfeeding?
What were your biggest breastfeeding obstacles?


*Baby Mim photos by Jessica of Emma Constance Photography

33 comments:

  1. You are such a great mama! Stopping breastfeeding is never easy, no matter when it is. My daughter abruptly stopped at 18 months and it was so hard for me. Probably because she decided and not me. :) Hang in there- we all love and support you!

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  2. Mommy guilt is the hardest! I struggled with Noah. He was tongue tied and for some reason I was against snipping it. Something to do with didn't he go through enough being circumcised and now you want me to cut his tongue too... Who knows?! I pumped for 4 months and oh man is that the hardest thing! Good for you lasting 6 months on both of them! I've already said I won't be doing that next time. Breastfeeding will either come easily or I will be switching to formula. The time pumping takes scares me with a toddler as well. I'm so impressed you were able to do it!!! Don't think of your experience as a failure!

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  3. If there is one thing most moms excel at, it's mom guilt! You are an amazing mother, breastfeeding, pumping, or formula feeding. I've had three very different nursing experiences with each of my babes. I will never forget my mom telling me how natural and easy breastfeeding is (cue the breakdown in the grocery store parking lot when I had to buy formula for the first time because my first baby wasn't getting enough - thanks mom). My second baby was an amazing nurser - amazing. But that's when I felt a lump and my nipples would turn purple and burn after nursing (fun huh - nothing like having new mom hormones and finding a lump - it was a "milk cyst" which apparently any doctor under 70 doesn't use the term anymore but the specialist I saw who didn't even come all the way in the door used that term). There is also a picture of my purple left nipple floating around lactation conferences because my amazing (and teaching) lactation consultant had never seen this so pronounced before. Anyway, my point (do I have one, maybe not) - every situation is so very different. This third time is the charm for us (so far). I've learned something each time, I've grown each time, and I will never say how easy breastfeeding is (and I have quite a few years of it under my belt). I also know I don't have the dedication to pump if it ever came to that (it sucks, you're right - and you are a rock star for sticking with it). Mac and Mim are so lucky to have you - and hopefully once the hormones settle down a bit you'll be a lot easier on yourself (seriously, pat yourself on the back and go get a massage)!

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  4. I love you so very much for this. Nursing sucked with lex. A big fat one. She wasn't gaining weight and I felt 100% responsible. And it was horrible to feel that mom guilt so fiercely. A lot of tears were involved. When we finally switched to formula it was a freaking miracle (after 6 long ass months). But I always felt like I needed to hide it! I remember sitting on an airplane mixing s bottle trying to hide it due to sheer shame that I was using formula. BUT WHY?! My mom friends were more than supportive-- but i felt so lame for formula feeding. Lex clearly grew up fine. So I vowed with number two it wouldn't happen again. No shame. No struggle. If she hates it we switch and call it a day. Only 2 weeks in thing seem to be going well... But only time will tell. Although I'm sure I'll still feel the shame and guilt if we have to switch. And I hate myself for feeding into it!

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  5. I definitely don'T view this as breastfeeding failure but as a success for what you DID achieve! I felt for you reading this post, I too wish you could have let yourself off the hook from the months of pumping, but hey looking back you can feel SO proud that she got all of that breastmilk! Every mother's journey is different, this is YOUR unique story - thanks for sharing. <3

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  6. I really enjoyed this post. I know that so many mamas have a huge rain cloud over them for their struggles with breastfeeding. I had a very successful breastfeeding journey, but I still had a huge amount of stress involved. It's a huge decision and a huge accomplishment, pumping included. I can definitely relate to the feeling of personal responsibility to stick to your decision, as an extremely hard-headed and determined person haha. I think that internal pressure can often be used in a positive way, even though it feels stressful. Your decision to continue to pump is a strong testament to your dedication as a woman, mom, and general person. You're an amazing woman, you've achieved a great success, and you should be proud of yourself.

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  7. You are such a breath of fresh air.....thank you for all of your open posts like these.....

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  8. What a great and honest post. I especially related to all the first-time Mom stresses. Glad to hear those lessen a bit with #2.

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  9. Thanks for sharing and for this great giveaway!

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  10. I agree that so much is wrapped up in how we feed our babies - it goes so far beyond physical nourishment! I'm still BF and pumping at almost 16 months with my second. I swore I'd stop pumping at a year, but she loves nursing so much that I still pump on workdays to maintain supply. I'm one of the very fortunate people who's had an easy time BFing so far, and I'm really thankful for that! I'm glad no one has ever given you flak about nursing issues - your children are obviously wonderfully cared for and happy!

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  11. Amen to it all.
    Marcus was not into my boobs for a single second. I tried and tried and tried, but my memories were just not his thing. I wanted so badly to be a momma who could breastfeed, but sadly, it just didn't work for us. I exclusively pumped for three months, but never, ever had a "stash" supply. I was lucky if we could make it through a single day with enough milk. After those three torturous months of pumping, and feeling guilty about supplementing when my supply was all but non-existent I put that damn pump away. I felt guilty and freed, all wrapped into one.
    With M2 I'm hoping the breastfeeding experience is totally different. However, I'm really trying to prepare myself if it doesn't. The guilt I felt was completely self induced, and I know that no matter how my babies are getting fed, they are getting what's best for us.
    Thank you so much for being so honest. It's so refreshing.

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  12. Mom guilt is real. All day every day, it's always something. I love fairhaven health. They've got some great products for new moms and fertility things also.

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  13. Thanks for this post Sara. Breastfeeding is so hard and complicated at times that it felt like an olympic event to me. When I struggled with Eloise, it reminded me of how felt dealing with infertility. There is so much guilt and shame because it's this natual thing that we are all supposed to do, right? I had nipple issues and oversupply issues too. I'm optimistic about baby #2 but anxious too. Give yourself a pat on the back for all that you did to get your babies breastmilk. 1 hour - 1 day - 1 month...it all makes a difference.

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  14. You are not a failure at all! The fact that you took the time and dedication to pump that long for your babies makes you super mom. I don't know how you do it with a toddler (because I can't figure out how) and an infant! Mom guilt is the worst and just because you didn't get the experience you wanted doesn't mean you failed. Sending big virtual hugs your way!

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  15. I wouldn't call yourself a failure. I'd actually say just the opposite. I have to say your honesty about motherhood and your struggles to become a mom have been so refreshing and helpful as I walked a similar path. I'm newly pregnant finally and my mom is a huge breastfeeding advocate, who had a great, easy experience with both myself and my brother. I'm kind of dreading her input.

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  16. I always say I rather birth Presley 10 times over than deal with how incredibly painful breastfeeding was. I don't think anything could have prepared me for that experience. It was toe curling, mind numbing pain. Until it wasn't. I feel so fortunate that I have been able to exclusively bf her for almost 6 months now but I am pretty excited to introduce solids. Pumping at the office...well it sucks...literally. I really want to make it to a year but I already see a drop in my supply. I say no matter what as long as the baby is happy and healthy it shouldn't matter if it's breast or formula. Honestly one of the bigger reasons I wanted to breastfeed was to selfishly burn those calories!

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  17. I'm due in April with my first baby and am hoping to breastfeed. It is always so refreshing to read real, honest stories like yours!

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  18. Girl! I had a very similar experience with Elliot as you did with Mim. I felt like a complete failure. I was only able to pump for 4 months (going back to work decreased my supply) and I always thought to myself how I could've tried harder, pumped more, put Elliot to my breast more to see if this time he would latch on, etc. After I said that he was happy with formula and breast milk I gave myself a break and didn't think about it too much. As long as our babies are happy and healthy it's all that matters!!

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  19. I am an first time expectant mama who wants nothing more than to breastfeed our son! This kit likes it would be so good!

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  20. I loved reading about your experience breastfeeding. And please don't consider yourself a failure, for some people it is easy and for others it is hard! I had everything going for me and it still wasn't easy. Only after I had breastfed did I truly understand why some moms chose to go to formula. We were really lucky and breastfeeding happened pretty easily. We still had our problems though (mastitis, constant clogged ducts), and I totally know how you felt when she didn't want you. B did that to me several times and I literally would cry later. You are a super momma for pumping that long! Pumping sucks, I could hardly make myself do it once a day to build up a supply in case I wanted to go to a yoga class. And every time the most I would get MAX was 4 oz. (usually a measley 1.7ml) Thanks for sharing! Just found your blog and it is great!

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  21. I had a similar breastfeeding experience with Mason. I wrote about it for Julie's series as well back in September, but to summarize, it didn't work out for us either. I didn't produce hardly anything. What I did produce and Mason drank, he would spit up. It was so frustrating. I would pump for 20 minutes and get 1oz. I tried some supplements to increase my supply and if I was lucky, SO lucky, I would get 2 oz. All that pumping and torturing myself and time away from my son, for nothing. So, I gave up. I did. I will admit it. I pumped and we supplemented for a while but then I gave up. We fed him liquid gold instead (hypoallergenic formula that he finally wouldn't spit up) and it cost a fortune. But he was happy. And gaining weight. And all of a sudden, I felt like a success because I was helping my son grow and thrive and I all of a sudden didn't care that I felt like a failure to myself and to society.
    Please don't ever think of yourself as a failure! You are doing the BEST job looking out for the best interests of your kids. You love them fiercely and would do anything for them. And that's what they will remember forever. Not if you breastfed them or not. Your love for them. You are a GREAT mom! xo

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  22. Breastfeeding was surprinsingly easy for me and my daughter. Even after an emergency c-section she was able to latch with the help of a shield but at least I was able to breastfeed. Then around 5 months she decided she was done. She would scream and scream and wouldn't latch. I continued pumping for a couple of weeks after, and then I was done. I always told myself my goal was to nurse for 6 months and that's exactly how far I made it. At that point we started formula and we never looked back.

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  23. I nursed my first son for 14 months, and I'm 12 months into pumping for my second. The biggest obstacle both times has been an undersupply; with both kids, I've had to supplement between 8-9 months.

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  24. Im pregnant with twins & panic has already set in. I had a successful breastfeeding experience with my daughter & we lasted 22 months. Although in the first couple weeks I never thought I would make it. I was miserable & gave up pumping quickly because it made it worse. But now with twins on the way I'm afraid thats the only way I'll be able to possibly be successful in breastfeeding this time around. What if I can't do it? What if I fail to be successful at it & it's to overwhelming? Even though I been down the breastfeeding journey once before it will be so much different the second time around.

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  25. Doing what works for you and your kids - doesn't sound like a failure at all to me. You are a SUCCESS, Mama!!

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  26. Mama, you are writing the words that are in my heart. We are not failures! But man...that guilt we bestow upon ourselves is just ruthless! I am so happy for those who have had wonderful (even easy) experiences. We just have to remember that is isn't that way for everyone. So important to be gentle with ourselves and with each other! You're a great mom!...and thank you for the reminder that I am, too :) Oh...and if I win, I will be giving this lovely little bundle to my friend who just had her first baby <3

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  27. Oh momma...you are so not a failure! I nursed Elyse to a year, and Nora is going strong at 11 weeks...but there are so many times I want to throw in the towel and throw my pump to the curb. And oversupply...ughh...this is not anything you ever hear about, but I think so many women deal with. I think I could have nursed quadruplets when Nora was first born. The struggle is real.

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  28. I did the best I could, but had to supplement with formula after a few months.

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    1. I had difficulty with my supply, and I started pumping exclusively after a month. I had even more trouble when, at 8ish weeks old, I had to fly with my son by myself, stay in a hotel, try to keep pumping, etc.

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  29. I will be breast feeding for the first time soon

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  30. I breasted my first two and am currently nursing my third. I thoroughly enjoy it. I struggled with my first, but with each baby it get a little bit easier for me.

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  31. such a great post Sara! I love how honest you always are. There is so much mom guilt about stuff (how we birth, feed, sleep, etc) it's just crazy. I hope you in time find peace about your BF journey. I think I said this on your post in Julie's series but you are AMAZING for pumping for 6mo! Pumping SUCKS - it's so necessary but so not fun I admire you dedication! You had the harder job for sure! Lots of big hugs lady!

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  32. I struggled breastfeeding both my kids too. With my first I just completely lost my supply around month three but kept trying to pump for another two months after that. Yeah pumping at work three times a day to bring home 6 oz was depressing! I thought for sure I would figure things out with baby #2 but then he arrived 6 weeks early. I had never really thought about how hard it would be to get a preemie to nurse- damn near impossible is what I learned. So I pumped for him too but only for 2 months before throwing in the towel (milk allergies and low supply again were not encouraging factors). Honestly with the second I was like, "This time, I'm not wasting so much emotional energy on feeling bad about this." I actually got to spend more time with the baby (and I was so much happier!) when I wasted attached to a pump 18 hours of the day. You should not feel guilty! Making it to 6 months pumping is an amazing feat and you should feel nothing but proud of yourself. :)

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