Running from the Law: New Mommy Confessions - Part 15

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

New Mommy Confessions - Part 15

- I haven't pumped in a week.  And OHMYGOD there are SO many emotions that I'm feeling about this: guilt, relief, pain, guilt, pride, frustration, guilt, success, failure, guilt.  Did I mention guilt?  Why do we mamas beat ourselves up over this stuff?  I have a freezer full of breastmilk and I'm finally going to get that time (and my body) back, so I can actually spend it with my kids.  And yet, I'm a mess about it.  I'm in a process of writing a whole post about pumping/breastfeeding and my boobs, so stay tuned.  I'm sure you're going to be glued to the edge of your seat in eager anticipation.  The way these blog posts are flying out of me like molasses it might be September, but it is coming.
- Mim now has 2 bottom teeth in her mouth and approximately 75 hairs on her head.  Progress.  Yet, it makes me incredibly sad.  Everyday I squeeze her really hard in the hopes that she'll just stay little forever.  It's not working. 
 - Things that I've said in the last week: stop licking your feet, please don't ride the dog like a horse, take the chicken nugget out of your pants, show mommy how the piggies eat, I'll give you a sucker if you will stop screaming, mommy needs love too, don't drink the bath water, stop scratching your butt, get off the counter, stop eating chapstick, knives are for grownups only, stop rubbing your poopy diaper butt on me, you will not die if your sister smiles at you, we don't eat paint, let's play the quiet game, don't pull the legs off that cricket, will you please share your chocolate with mommy and if you go to sleep right now I'll buy you a pony. 
 - I just realized that I haven't sent out thank you notes for any Christmas or birthday gifts. Add those to the ones I still need to send out for newborn gifts, and I am basically the worst person ever. Seriously, new moms should just get a pass on thank you notes.  It's not that I'm not grateful, it's just that I'm completely disorganized and a total asshole. 
 - I love having a girl.  I'm addicted to baby headbands and baby bows.  And baby moccasins.  And baby leggings.  And baby jammies.  And babies. 
- Is anyone else considering making their toddler get a job to make up for all the things he breaks or loses?  He's going to need to work serious overtime to pay me back just for all the hats and gloves he's lost this winter.  And it's only the beginning of February.  And can we talk about the hell that is putting on toddler gloves for a minute?  What did I ever do to deserve that?    
- I've been struggling with how to disciple Mac lately. Especially when he won't share.  We've tried lectures, time-outs, taking away privileges...nothing works.  I asked my friend Claire about this a while back and she gave me the single greatest piece of parenting advice ever, which I've now tried and will admit that it works brilliantly.  I'll even share it with you today.  She said, when dealing with bratty kids, "Every now and then, you just need to go batshit crazy on them. Freak out, lose your mind and scream just enough to scare them so that they know that you're slightly unhinged and could lose it completely at any moment.  If you need to, take the toy they're fighting over and dramatically throw it in the fucking trash and tell them to deal with it.  They'll get it together real quick after that." I love her.  And it totally works.  You're welcome.
 - Things I want for Valentine's Day: 18 straight hours of sleep, a case of champagne, Botox, a mute button for the kids, a clean house, my pre-pregnancy breasts and some more baby moccasins.  Not necessarily in that order.  
That's it.  I'm out.



32 comments:

  1. I would give just about anything for my pre baby perky boobs.... Now they look like drooping pancakes and it makes me sad! And I also hate toddler gloves.... sometimes my kid just has cold hands! Tonight I may take your advice and go crazy if my kid throws his match box cars at my TV. Thanks for the advice!

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  2. Haha this was a good instalment of the diaries. I'm also having problems with discipline with my 2.5 year old. I've tried the 1-2-3 magic method (which is basically, you tell them "please don't throw the car at the tv" and then you count out the bad behaviours that inevitably follow "that's 1....that's 2....that's 3" and then a time out. No explanation. No trying to reason with them. No big discussion or guilt trip. Even after they come out of time out, there is no discussion of the lesson or anything.

    It actually worked over the holidays, but now that he's back in daycare, it is hard to be as consistent with it since we aren't with him all day. So now I'm stuck with a kid who is DEFINITELY into pushing boundaries these days.

    I tried the going bat shit crazy thing once. It scared him. Made me cry and obsess over it all day.

    Mommy guilt - the best kind eh?

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  3. Ooh 18 hours of sleep sounds amazing! I have a feeling I'll be getting a box of chocolates instead ;)

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  4. First of all, I love you for writing this. This is great. I support your friend's suggestion about discipline too. Sometimes bat shit crazy is the only way. Works on husbands too ;)

    I had a really hard time stopping nursing & pumping but then you remember that you get to wear regular bras and throw out your breast pads and you are fine.

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  5. Seriously. These are the best posts. I feel you sister and I only have one. SS is dramatic right now too and I agree that acting unhinged does help me regain a little respect! Good job on the pumping/feeding! No guilt. Survival.

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  6. "It's just that I'm just disorganized and a total asshole." YES. THIS. ME TOO.

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  7. I love this!!! I can't wait to read your post about boobs because, let's be honest, none of us have the boobs we used to have...and it sucks. I have thrown away (then taken them out and hid them for weeks) a few of Cam's toys, and it works amazingly. I have also raised my voice a few times then gotten completely silent and ignored Cam, which makes him come over to me and ask, "You sad, Mommy?" THEN we have a fairly good conversation (or so I think) about what happened. I love that they can actually understand things now, but man, does he test my patience sometimes!!! PS I can't wait for little girl bows, mocs and leggings...I can't even handle it.

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  8. I am actually excited about your breastfeeding/pumping post. Claire will be 8 months a week from Monday (seriously, if you figure out how to stop time, please share!) and I am still breastfeeding/pumping...and hating life all 80 minutes a day I am hooked up to the medela like a flipping cow...but everytime I think I am going ot quit, the guilt wins out...

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  9. Ha! I'd like everything on your vday gift list too!

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  10. I can't tell you how much I love these posts. I'm probably going to go re-read all of them right now. Why right now? Because Jude only naps on top of me and I'm desperate for him to nap so I literally cannot get off the couch. And I don't mind my post-baby boobs, but if I could get my pre-baby stomach and thighs back, I'd give you a million dollars. No seriously, a million dollars.

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  11. I'll take the sleep, champagne and botox for Valentine's Day too! And my husband will love your advice...that's what he does everyday with Ethan and I freak on him! Oops!

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  12. Always a fan of your posts! Love that advice! It's so true! Especially at this age when they know just what buttons of your's to push.

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  13. Loe this. Talking about having your toddler pay you back... my friend, her 2 yo son threw an octonaut at their 60" plasma and cracked the whole screen.... and also drew all over his uncles pottery barn sofa and chair with a sharpie...... seriously.


    and babies. :)

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  14. My Name is JOHN RICHMOND .I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from engage to Single...when i went to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to Germany the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said,she never knew what she's doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my my girl friend called and he said i haven't seen anything yet... he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume work on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit i have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with a baby boy and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help.you can mail him uzorspelltemple@gmail.com I cant give out his number cos he told me he don't want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said his email is okay and he also have a web site if you want to visit him there' he will replied to any emails asap..hope he helped u out too..good luck. his web site is/ www.uzorspelltemple.webs.com

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  15. Dying over here! These are my absolute favorite posts!! Best part was your friend's advice on discipline..pretty sure I have tried that one before!! :) Why are two year olds so hard?! And I can totally understand your guilt on breastfeeding...mom guilt is the worst.

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  16. I LOVE your friend Claire! She's a genius! Oh the Chapstick why do they eat the Chapstick?! And drink bath water? Oh toddlers - we had a doozy of a day so this was the chuckle I needed! Oh sleep glorious sleep - I always want more!

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  17. Love this post and you! And I second you and Melissa re: Thank You Notes. I am a grateful yet awful human being. I despise the things.

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  18. I'm just getting my pregnancy boobs (HORRAY!! Generally I have negative A cup), and I wish I didn't have a growing EVERYTHING ELSE to accompany them…
    The freaking out advice… Yes, that may or may not happen every now and again in our home - like, at 1:30AM this morning when I had a crying toddler who would not effing tell me what was wrong, and it had been the 14th time being up at night. It also works wonders with the husband… He then proceeded to deal with said toddler at 1:30.

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  19. Your honesty seriously cracks me up, Love this!!! Your babies are getting so big and looking cute as always! I've totally gone bat shit crazy a few times during a tantrum when I had had it, I always feel guilty afterwards so I'm glad to know I'm not the only one losing my mind somedays;)

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  20. Love this.
    Agree agree AGREE - toddler boys are 'something else' sometimes, and baby girls are IT. :)
    Man, 2-2.5 year old + molars = sweet boy turned a-hole. Holy cow. I feel ya momma..

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  21. Oh man...just realize I posted my last comment from my husband's google account (Zach) oops! :)

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  22. Girl, no one sends thank you notes for Christmas so you just cross that chunk off your list! Also, we call bath water "poop-poop" water in our house. I have no idea why it started, but we are always saying, "don't drink poop-poop water, man. That's gross and your butt is in it". Clearly it's not working since we say it daily.

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  23. I counted at least 98 hairs on Mim's head! ;) Haha!! I laughed through this entire post (with you of course, not laughing at you) and just cant wait for Luke to get older (insert sarcasm)...LOL! Oh and thank you notes are WAYYYYYYY overrated! In fact, I never sent out thank you notes for the 4 baby showers i had. Asshole over here, YUP! Do I care? Nope! I said thank you a bajillion times. If you can't hear me say thank you and need me to write a hand written note, than tough cause it isn't happening. Even my mother in law was asking if we sent out thank you notes when Luke was 6 weeks old (and in the middle of his blood issues). Lady get over it, thank you notes aren't happening! Ok end rant. Thanks for the smiles today!

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  24. Oh I LOVE this! And Elyse may or may not have eaten a Cheerio off the floor at our pediatrician's appointment yesterday. For the record, I was not in charge of the eldest...Nick was.

    And I'm only 2 months into this whole nursing thing again and I'm ready for my old boobs. Ok, honestly I'm ready for my boobs before Elyse was born...I'm not thinking that's happening without some sort of surgical intervention, and I don't mean implants!

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  25. I love this series! I only wish I had known about it when my toddler was a baby. But I can so relate on so many levels! Also, I don't know what it is about when you tell them to stop something. Pretty sure Mason might have learned his lesson today when he slammed the light so hard against the wall that the glass shattered everywhere and Seth and I screamed and picked Mason up as he had a shard of glass in his foot. I freaked out but luckily it was just sitting there and his little feet were fine, but I still can't get that smiling face out of my head... slamming the light against the wall. It's all fun and games until the glass comes shattering down on you kid. Boys.

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  26. I love these posts! My favorite here? The idea that all parents of newborns should be exempt from writing thank-you's. (I vote until the kids are like 10 and can write them themselves.)

    Also, just wanted to remind you of some wonderful advice you gave me when I was having trouble breastfeeding. You were one of the 1st people I reached out to because I so appreciate how honest you are. You advised me to trust my instincts - which was exactly what I needed to hear. Sending you good vibes as you make peace with your decision too!

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  27. Lol, love the "things I've said this week" part. And that discipline advice is great! I'm constantly on the verge of throwing all Ez's toys in the trash anyway (usually after one or both of us trips on them), so this is perfect :)

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  28. Hang in there, Mama!! I don't have any child-raising experience, but I will say that you are doing amazing. Keep keeping on. :) { HUGS }

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  29. i absolutely ADORE this idea!!! and your first confession on this post brought back so many emotions! i remember so clearly stopping pumping/nursing! sigh... hang in there mama!!! ♥

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  30. Cute post & adorable baby! <3 18 hours of sleep sounds delightful!

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  31. That made me laugh really loud at my desk just now. Just go batshit crazy on them once in awhile! Oh no worries, I do. ;) Found it funny, too, that you talked about Mac quite a bit but only included pics of Mim. Makes me feel less guilty about the total tip of the scale toward Ellie in my pics lately - I mean, she's the BABY! And babies are the best thing ever!!

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