Running from the Law: There's a Shark in the Toilet!

Monday, February 23, 2015

There's a Shark in the Toilet!

I was having dinner with some friends the other night (shocking, I know!), and while I was eating my mashed potatoes, I mentioned that my grandmother used to tell us girls that eating mashed potatoes would make our boobs grow big.  Everyone at the table had a similar story of some lie their parents or grandparents used to tell them to get them to eat their food: carrots make you see in the dark, watermelon makes your teeth sparkle, chicken makes you beautiful, green beans make you tall, candy will make you shrink.  It got me thinking about the "lies/fibs" we tell Mac.  I've definitely told him that eating carrots will help him see better and eating fish will make him a stronger swimmer.  But our little fibs go beyond just food.  For example, Mac has a birthmark that we tell him is his "night-night button" and when we press it, he has to go immediately to bed. We think it's genius.
I thought this was such a fun discussion that I asked everyone on Facebook to share the fibs that they tell their kids or were told when they were children.  Here are some of my favorites: 

  • I had a problem with my 4 yr old unbuckling her car seat straps in the car. I told her that the police arrest you if you unbuckle straps while driving. Now she always keeps them on and looks around for police cars. –Jordan

  • One of my friends tells her son that when the ice cream man's song is playing that means he is all out of ice cream.  –Melissa

  • For about a year, I had my kids convinced there was a toy fairy that came at night. She collected toys that weren't put away and would only bring them back another night if they did extra chores. –Nikki

  • We have "parent tax" - all money they get (gifts or in cards or $$ they earn) is "parent taxed" at 50%. That money goes into an account for them. I'm fairly certain they believe "parent tax" is a true tax.  My parents did it with me and I was at least 13-15 before I realized it wasn't a real thing. Kids will have a nice account by the time they go to college.  –Jenny

  • I once watched a relative get his 2 year old son to eat his veggies by periodically checking on whether his arm muscles were getting any stronger. "Hmm, still a little mushy, try a few more bites.  Ooh, getting a little stronger! Try one more bite and let's see what happens." –Anne

  • I was an X-Ray/CT Tech. My children knew I could see bones so they believed I could see through walls, too. Whenever they were too quiet or too loud I would say "I can see you. You better stop doing that!" It always worked.  –Becki

  • When my daughter was small (she's now 18) we had her believing a red dot appeared on her forehead anytime she told a lie. Was a sad day when she finally realized.  –Amy

  • The mall/park is closed.  ALL.THE.TIME.  –Cate

  • I really wanted curly hair as a kid, my mom told me if I ate the crust on my bread I would get curly hair... I believed it. No more crust-less sandwiches.  –Rebecca

  • My daughter would fight sleep and tried every excuse to get out of bed. Her favorite was "I'm hungry!" We explained that when the sun goes down, the food goes to sleep in the cabinets and doesn't get up until breakfast. Surprisingly, it worked.  –Melissa

  • To get our two year old daughter to come inside at night in the summer we tell her that skunks are coming out and we have to run inside so they don't get us.  –Charlotte

  • As a kid, we were told if we played with our belly button, our butt would fall off. Also, if you eat watermelon close to bedtime, you'd pee the bed.  –Laureen

  • We tell ours string cheese is "quiet cheese," so when they are eating it there is no talking. I don't know how or why this works... –Kathryn

  • Our three year old is obsessed with dinosaurs so we always tell him "But dinosaurs LOVE broccoli!" or "the dinosaur looks sick, he needs medicine - do you need some too?" and I always get "YES MOMMY!"  Works like a charm!  –Jessica

  • To cure anything I make up rituals, for example my 6yr old daughter gets out of bed for the billionth time since I laid her down complaining of a belly ache so I instruct her to close her eyes, put one hand above her head, count to ten and walk backwards to her room and that will cure the belly ache. Works every time.  –Lorrie

  • All ice cream parlors are closed during the winter and will not open up until spring. We were going every other day this fall and this momma’s waistline needed a break! –Jessie

  • Growing up my mother told me peas grow behind my ears and between my toes when I didn't clean them.  –Cheyenne

  • We told our son when he got his big boy bed that it was illegal to use a pacifier in a big boy bed. He quit cold turkey.  –Kirsten

  • I told my three redheaded kids I left them in the rain and their hair rusted.  –Cindy

  • I have a friend who "times" her kids. "Let's see how many seconds it takes you to get your shoes on. The world record is 10 seconds." –Anne

  • I forgot to be the Tooth Fairy one night and didn't realize it until the next day when my daughter complained that the Tooth Fairy didn't visit her.  While she was at school I wrote a letter to her from the Tooth Fairy explaining that she didn't visit because she couldn't make her way into her room since it was such a mess and to please clean it and she'd come back the next night. I put glitter in the envelope (to prove it was the Tooth Fairy, naturally) and left it in the kitchen, where she found it when she got home from school.  Now everytime she loses a tooth, she cleans her room!  –Katie

  • My sister told my nephew that calamari is "round chicken." It's one of his favorite foods and he hasn't figured it out for TEN YEARS! –Bethany

  • I told my 2 year old that he can't play in the toilet because there is a shark in it and he will come up if he sees fingers....and that the smell of his poop and pee is what's keeping it away so he has to go potty in the toilet...he potty trained very fast and never puts his fingers in.  –Evelinda

  • I told my kids that chocolate syrup was vitamins for mommy so I could drink chocolate milk without them catching on. It worked for a year!  –Julie

  • After multiple attempts to get rid of my sons paci, we cut holes them and told him that our cat did it.  –Sarah

  • My dad told my brothers that eating dirt would make worms and beetles grow in the belly.  That put an end to the mud pie restaurant in the back yard.  –Laura

  • A friend told me that whenever the batteries run out of a noisy toy that she hates, she tells her kid that it's broken and can't be fixed. –Samantha

  • My children think my husband has superpowers because every time we walk in an automatic door he waves his hand and "makes it open with his mind."  –Laura

  • To convince my 3 year old to stay in bed and go back to sleep, I tell her we're going to have the same dream and we decide what the dream will be (usually about rainbows, unicorns and a teddy bear picnic). I wish it wasn't a lie; it’d be super fun if we could really make that happen. –Susannah

  • I get my son to eat cauliflower (and any other white foods) by saying its special food that Elsa froze for him. –Abby

  • My husband pretends to call & talk to Santa when the kids are being crazy.  –Lindsay

  • I used to cry a lot growing up and my mom used to tell me I was going to run out of tears if I kept it up and I would look pretty silly crying with no tears so I better save them for when I have good reason to cry (and as a side note, I believed this and used to go to the bathroom sink and scoop up water in my hands and then open my eyes under water in hopes of replenishing my diminishing supply of tears). –Donna

  • We tell my 3 year old that green smoothies are actually TMNT mutagen that will make him a ninja.  –Colleen

  • Typical boy mom stuff, like “if you play with it too much it will fall off.”  –Suzy

  • If you don't put away your toys at night, the vacuum cleaner will suck them up and you'll never get them back.  –Cat

  • Ok.....this is horrible, but when our boys were 2, they threw the biggest fits when it was time to cut their nails. I'm talking screaming, hitting, flinging tears. So, I convinced them that if they didn't let me keep their nails short, monsters would come find them and chew their appendages off.  Basically I was saving them by cutting their nails. It worked! –Kristen

  • Everything is 'chicken' in my house. Salmon, tuna, some darker meats, so it's 'OOOOH MOMMY MADE YOUR FAVORITE! CHICKEN!"  –Emily

  • We're not cat people. I may have told my kids that my husband is allergic to cats and that's why we can't have one. Judge away.  –Corey

  • My stepmom told my brother that Barney lived at day care, so we could not watch it at home.  –Brigid

My very favorite “lie” was this one (because it’s so horribly cruel and equally ingenious):

  • When we misbehaved, my mom would tell us she was going to trade us in for better children. She would even get out the huge JC Penney catalog to find new children.  –Melissa
Thanks to everyone that contributed, there were so many great ones to choose from.  Also, I'm in no way encouraging you to lie to your children (especially about anything truly important), so please spare me the lecture about what a horrible rotten person I am, I already know that.  ;)  

Which is your favorite?
Do you ever fib to your kids to get them to do something?
Did your parents/grandparents ever fib to you?


  1. My logic for why we made A get rid her paci while K gets to keep hers, is because she has all her teeth now. Like mommy and daddy. And once you have all your teeth, you are big and no allowed to have pacifiers since they are for babies. So K can have hers since she doesn't have all her teeth yet. I also told her when we ditched it that we gave it to new babies who needed them.

  2. This was awesom! I think that we all tell fibs as parents! Lol

  3. These are so funny! I'm going to keep some in the back of my mind... :)

  4. Haha! LOVE these! And filing many away to use in the future ;) I think the biggest fib I've told my kids (so far!) is that you have to be 10 years old to chew gum. Totally random, but they never ask for it because they know they aren't old enough.

  5. Hahahaha! These are so funny!
    I might have to start the "parent tax," that is just damn genius, and a great way to bulk up their savings account.
    I've told Marcus so many times that gum is mommy's medicine that he has never once asked for any. I'll keep that one up for as long as I possibly can.

  6. These are so funny! ... the last one though! Ha ha!

  7. Love all these! and I really love the parent tax idea...we already put the girls' money away in their college accounts, but once they get older that won't work as well!

    Elyse always wants to go with either set of grandparents when we leave somewhere...we frequently tell her they aren't going home and have boring meetings so there won't be a meltdown about her having to go home to her boring own house!

  8. These are great. My parents used to tell my brother and I that Mr. Norman (apparently my dad's boss but we didn't know that then) would come and take bad little girls and boys to the bad children's home. I can remember they would even pretend to knock on things and say it was Mr Norman was coming to get us.

    So messed up!

  9. These are great. My parents used to tell my brother and I that Mr. Norman (apparently my dad's boss but we didn't know that then) would come and take bad little girls and boys to the bad children's home. I can remember they would even pretend to knock on things and say it was Mr Norman was coming to get us.

    So messed up!

  10. Some of these really cracked me up.

  11. These are great! We tell Jackson that a place is closing (like the park, etc.) if we want to try and get him to leave without throwing a fit. It usually works. :-) The pictures of Mim are adorable! I love her shirt and headband.

  12. So many good ones here...I plan to steal a few!! ;)

  13. These are genius and fantastic! I can't wait to use some of these. My favorite is the icecream truck and the cleaning room/toothfairy one. I mean I wish I was more creative, but since I'm not I can use these. Thanks everyone :)

  14. Oh, I love these! Kids. :-)

  15. These are hilarious!! And Mim is precious!! Sometimes when I don't keep ALL their art work they see it in the trash - I always blame the dog. I tell them she threw it away!

  16. You make me laugh and so do all of these things! My mom took me to a lake once and she said it was the beach. Trust me, I'm still salty about that one. She also took my
    Favorite skirt in college and told me the airline employees must have stolen it. Grrr

  17. Those are great and hilarious!! I will have to pick a few to adopt. Mim is to die for cute in these pics!!!!!!!!!

  18. These are killing me! I tell my three year old that her nose will get too big for her face if she picks it.

  19. If Reed asks to play in the cars and we don't feel like it we just tell him they're locked. Too bad for him that he can't reach the handle to prove us wrong!

  20. How quickly you learn to tell fibs when you become a parent! It's like a magic power, I swear! My mom had me absolutely convinced that telling a lie would make all of my hair fall out from about the age of 4 on, I tried my very best to always tell the truth. It worked and instilled a great habit in me...until I started having kids and needed that on demand trait! ;) Such a fun post!

  21. Your "night night" button is genius! Haha And those pictures are too precious <3

  22. This is so funny, love the "night night" button!!! And those pics, adorable!!

  23. these are hilarious. I had an aunt that used to tell me there was an alligator in the basement and it made him grumpy when I stood on the heater grate. As far as my own child goes, don't have much but I one night when she was a toddler and was feeling yucky I couldn't get her to calm down so I gave her a bathrobe and told her that it's a magic robe that makes everything better when you wear it and was surprised when it worked. She calmed down quickly after that

  24. I'm laughing out loud about the cat one! My dad always told us we couldn't get a cat because he was allergic...then I saw him pet one at pumpkin patch a few years ago. That's when the truth came out!!!

    Love these pics of Mim!!! Such a doll baby!

  25. Hahahaha oh my goodness, I'm dying!!! :D :D

  26. I love all of these! The sleep ones are the best but the new kids and the JCP catalog?! Love it!! Thanks for the good laugh!!!

  27. These are so great! I tell little fibs to my kids all the time. Mostly we tell them that places are closed!

  28. bahaha this is the greatest thing I've read all day!! I'm bookmarking this for sure! have a great day girl! xo

  29. These are too funny! I'll have to keep some of these in mind!

  30. I seriously LOVE this post! Genius. Parents are geniuses. We don't really lie to Mason (yet lol) but I am definitely going to save some of these for future reference!

  31. LOVE this post! I seriously could not think of anything to say when you posted this...thinking "I don't lie to my kids". And then the whole time I was reading, I was thinking, "I say that!" or at least something similar! :) Hehe...ooops! Seriously, though, my favorite is about the shark in the potty and I am just about to go home and give it a whirl.

  32. This is just too funny love them all!!

  33. These are awesome!! Seriously I can't even pick a favourite, I liked Colleen's TMNT mutagen one for green smoothies though, pretty brilliant!

    We told Scarlett that we had to give all of her suckies to another baby... one day she just dropped them outside of her bedroom door before bed and said "for the babies". I guess it worked ;)

  34. These are so cute. Me and my daughter also come up with a dream that we're going to "share" that night. Tonight I'm supposed to meet her at a horse race; she's going to ride a pink horse and I'm going to ride a blue horse.

    We mostly use little white lies around Christmas, is that awful? Lots of "the elf is watching" and "what would Santa think?" Haha, I feel kind of bad about that but it is awfully effective. Sometimes we even bring it up off season because it works so well.