A Day in My Life

Day 15 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"A Day in Your Life..."

I've never done a "Day in the Life" blog post so I was excited about this topic.  I love reading other bloggers posts about what they do all day, I think it's fascinating.  I guess that's the voyeur in me talking.  One of my very favorite bloggers, Julia from My Life in Transition does regular "Day in the Life" posts and I LOVE them.  She's amazing and has a zillion photos and fabulous details and fascinating stories.  I've never done one because...uh, my life is BORING, y'all.  Who wants to read about what I had for lunch and what I do at work.  Yuck.  So, feel free to skip this post if you're just not into that stuff.  However, now that I've done this, I'm kinda glad I did.  It'll be great to look back on this whole documented day and remember what life was like for us in the Spring of 2013.  Just an average day.  

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

6:45 a.m. – Baby Mac wakes up.  Ryan gets up to get him, since I took the night shift.  I was up twice with him last night – once at 11:15 p.m. and again at 2:30 a.m.  Both times he went back to bed pretty easily, but I had a harder time.  I roll over and go back to sleep for a few more minutes.  I hear him go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, wash his face...all while Mac cries in his crib to tell us he's up.  The dogs start running around because they know it's breakfast time.  UGH.  SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!  

7:00 a.m. – Construction guy shows up to finish up working on the basement.  We had water damage this year, so we’re replacing some drywall and getting new carpet installed.  He shows up at the back door and the dogs are barking their heads off.  WHY?!  I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES!  I HATE EVERYONE.

7:25 a.m. – Can’t sleep.  Of course.  I grab my phone, check email, check my calendar.  What day is it again?  I don't have a clue.  I roll out of bed, trip over a dog.  Make my way to the  bathroom to take a quick shower.  

7:35 a.m. Go get dressed.  Can't find anything to wear that fits.  Must diet.  Must diet.  Must diet.  (so not going to happen)  Blow dry hair and put it straight into a ponytail.  I also skip the makeup today.  My co-workers must seriously think I’m a total slob.  I don't give a flying shit.  My poor husband.  Also, why don't I work somewhere I could wear scrubs everyday?  That would be awesome.

7:40 a.m. – Dressed and ready.  Head downstairs with shoes and phone.  Trip over a dog.  Grab the baby from Ryan and make a giant cup of coffee.  Give him snuggles and kisses.  Try not to get food, drool, spit-up, poop or dog hair on my clothes.  Fail.  Makes scrambled eggs for Mac's breakfast and cut up a banana and some fruit.  I take a couple bites of his eggs, but am not hungry.  I'm just not into breakfast.  Would much rather have 27 cups of coffee.  

8:00 a.m. – Nanny arrives and she takes over breakfast duty and clean up.  I give her a brief update on how Mac slept the night before, talk about their plans for the day, leave any instructions or errands for her.  Today she’s going to pick up some last minute items for Mac’s birthday party this weekend.  I leave her my credit card and thank her profusely.  I love her.   Ryan comes down, says hi, kisses the baby.  We both rush out the door.  Mac cries.  I feel like a complete asshole.  I hate leaving him.  

8:10 a.m. – Drive to work.  Think about Mac.  Think about the weekend.  Think about blog posts.  Compose them in my head.  I have a list of topics on a notepad in my handbag that I look at while I’m stopped at a light.    

8:25 a.m. – Arrive at work.  A little bit late, but I’ll make it up over my lunch break.  Work, work, work.

11:15 a.m. – Text nanny to check on Mac.  He took an hour long morning nap and they’re now running errands.  She’s the best.  Back to work.

12:00 p.m. – Text from nanny that they’ve been to Target and the craft store and are out having lunch now at a local deli.  Mac’s being a ham and putting on a show for all the old ladies at the table next to him.  She says he’s fake coughing every time someone else coughs and it’s cracking her up.  She sends me a Mac photo and tells me that he loves and misses me.  I melt.  I wish I wasn't so busy right now and we could all have lunch together.  Must schedule that for next week.

1:00 p.m. – I have a can of a soup, some chips and a banana at my desk.  Still starving.  Check a few blogs over my “lunch break.”  Reply to some emails.  Prepare for my afternoon meetings.  More coffee. 

3:30 p.m. – Text from nanny that Mac only had his afternoon nap in two parts, due to a nightmare.  But he woke up in a great mood and they went for a walk outside in his wagon.  She sends a photo of him to brighten my day.  I can't get over how big he is.  And the sippy cup in the cup holder just kills me. 

4:40 p.m. – Shut off my computer and leave the office as fast as I can.  Deal with traffic.  Call Ryan to ask what we should do for dinner.  He doesn’t answer.  Listen to some awful (yet catchy) song about being twenty-twoooooooo and thank God that I’m no longer 22.  Then get sad when I realize I’m closer to 42 than to 22.  And 42 is basically 50.  Fuck, I'm old.

5:05 p.m. – Get home and let the nanny go.  She says Mac’s been awesome and in a great mood.  Get tons of hugs and kisses from Mac.  He seems so happy to see me.  Man, I love this kid.  Mac and I go upstairs so I can change clothes.  Mac wants to climb the stairs on his own, which still terrifies me because he constantly stops and turns around and wants to stand up. 

He chases the cat and pretends to make phone calls with the cordless phone while I put on yoga pants and a t-shirt.  He wants to be held and tackles me on the closet floor.  We roll around and hug and then he proceeds to throw every shoe in my closet on the floor as fast as he can (his father taught him this trick and thinks it's hilarious).

5:10 p.m. – Outside to play.  We check on the nest of baby birds living in a nest in the ceiling fan on our porch.  One fell out yesterday.  I wonder if it made it back in the nest?  We walk up and down the street.  Say hi to all the neighborhood kids.  We play in the mulch, roll around in the grass, chew on a stick.  We try out the swing, but he ain't having it.  Mainly he just wants to be held.  I talk to him about my day, he pretends to care.  We get the mail, he tries to eat it.  We check on the basement.  We see if there’s anything for dinner in the freezer (there’s not).  We try to play with some toys, but he's not interested.  We go back upstairs to see the cat, water the plants and jump on the bed.

5:40 p.m. – Mac’s starting to get whiny and wants to be held nonstop.  I can’t put him down, but do love all the hugs.  I know he misses me all day and just doesn’t want to let go yet.  Not sure if he's just tired or fussy from teething.  He's also probably sore for all the falling he's been doing lately trying to run.  I hold him and talk to him.  I can't sit down.  I can't stop moving.  He doesn't want to be in the house.  He doesn't want to do anything.  He's also trying to talk to me.  He wants to be able to tell me what he wants, but he can't get his point across and just points and grunts.  He gets so frustrated when I don’t understand.  I try to show him signs for things and he just shakes his head.

5:45 p.m. - We feed the dogs.  He gets VERY angry that he can’t eat the dog food or play in the water bowl.  On the verge of meltdown – I’m the worst mommy EVER.   Where the hell is my husband?

5:50 p.m. - I start getting his dinner ready, one-handed, while holding him.  It's hard.  He's heavy.  Oh so heavy.  Why aren't my arms buff?  I let him open and close the microwave and the cabinets, which makes him slightly happier.  I let him give Sage and ice cube.  She licks it and he puts it in his mouth.  Whatever.

5:55 p.m. – Mac has dinner in his highchair.  Tonight he’s having some leftover pasta, half a Trader Joes’ chicken burger, watermelon, Greek yogurt, pineapple and some ice cream for dessert.  He eats some of it, but he’s teething and I think his gums are bothering him.  He doesn’t eat as much as I’d like him too, but I don’t force it.  I pick at his food and wish I was having pasta and chicken burgers for dinner.  I give him the spoon and he entertains himself for a few minutes banging it, trying to put food on it and then just throwing it across the room.  Mommy plays fetch.  

6:10 p.m. - He gives me the sign for all done after swiping most of his food off his tray and onto the floor.  I let the “clean-up crew” (dogs) in to take care of the mess.  I let him wash his hands in the sink (which ends with us both being drenched) and then put him down to clean up the mess and put the dishes in the sink.  He’s still not ready to be put down and screams bloody murder.  He's got me pegged.  I pick him up and take him back outside and leave the clean-up for later.

6:10 p.m. – Ryan gets home and Mac is miraculously all better and in a great mood.  Daddy makes everything better.  He's our hero.  I hand Mac off to Ryan and fix us a cocktail.  Ryan and I get vodka, Mac gets tequila.  Just kidding.  Mac gets vodka too. 

6:15 p.m. – Ryan changes clothes and we head back outside to hang out.  Ryan throws the bumper for Sage, Mally barks her face off.  We chat about our day and about Mac's day.  We talk about our upcoming vacation and the birthday party.  We say hi to the neighbors.  We check on the baby birds again.  We walk up and down the street again.  We play with the wagon again.  We go inside to look at the basement again.  We see if there’s anything in the freezer for dinner again (there’s not…still). 

7:00 p.m. – I go upstairs and start a bath for Mac.  He comes upstairs and immediately heads down the hall to the bedroom to find the cat.  That poor poor cat.  I pretend chase him and he squeals.  We jump on the bed and he cracks up.  I strip him down for his bath.  

7:05 p.m. – Ryan gives Mac his bath.  I clean up the high chair and dinner mess.  I check email, check Facebook, check Instagram.  Sip my cocktail.  Try to decompress for 5 minutes.  I can hear Mac and Ryan upstairs playing “Duck Hunt” with Mac’s rubber ducky and blowing bubbles.  When I give Mac baths, we kiss the duck and love on him.  When daddy gives baths, it's a duck massacre and Mac claps and laughs!  He's going to be so conflicted when he gets older.  I get his bottle ready, lay out his bedtime clothes and get the white noise on in his bedroom.

7:20 p.m. – Ryan yells for “MAMA” and I run upstairs with a towel.  We take our little drowned rat downstairs to get a clean diaper and put his PJs and sleep sack on.  I grab the bottle.  We give night night kisses to daddy and the puppies and head back upstairs.  Ryan orders take out, does dishes, starts laundry, turns on the Cardinals game.

7:30 p.m. – Mac and I sit in the glider in his room and read “Moo Baa La La La” and “Good Night Moon.”  He’s not interested in the books at all tonight.  Sometimes he’ll take a little bit of his bottle, but tonight he just wants to go to bed.  We snuggle for a few minutes.  I hold his hand and sing him a song.  Every night I sing "I Will" by the Beatles and "Sweet Baby James" (changed to Sweet Baby Mac) by James Taylor.  He sings too and watches me.  He's exhausted and almost asleep.  I kiss him on the forehead, tell him good night and put him in his crib.  He’s out within seconds. 

7:45 p.m. – Ryan runs out and picks up sushi to go.  I work on birthday party projects and make us both another cocktail.  Tonight I'm making jellyfish from paper plates and ribbon.  Another genius idea from Pinterest.  There’s hot glue and ribbon EVERYWHERE.  Ryan does not understand why we need MORE party decorations.  I don't know how to stop.

8:15 p.m. – We eat dinner in the living room in front of the TV.  We have a new Deadliest Catch to watch, which makes me glad we ordered a lot of rolls with crab in them.  Mmmm…crab.  I eat so much I think I might explode.  Dessert?

9:15 p.m. – I go back in the other room to finish my project and clean up all the hot glue gun mess.  I just need to get it done so I can check it off the list.  I NEED TO CHECK SOMETHING OFF THE LIST!

9:50 p.m. – Ryan tells me he’s going to bed and hands me the video monitor.  He gives me a kiss and tells me not to stay up too late.  He lets the dogs out.  Sage goes up with him and Mally stays downstairs with me.  I go into the office and write tomorrow’s blog post and upload some photos.  I look at my "To Do" list and want to throw up.  So much to do.  Feel like I’m drowning sometimes.  I don’t know why I feel the need to take on more and more stuff.  I could stay up all night and not be anywhere close to finishing.  So overwhelmed, I just go to bed.

10:55 p.m. – I get in bed.  Check email one more time, maybe Instagram.  Wish I would have taken some photos today with the big camera.  Run through my "To Do" list for tomorrow in my head.  Close my eyes.  Within 2 minutes, the baby’s crying.  I listen for a few minutes to make sure he’s not going to put himself back to sleep (he’s not).  Get up, make a bottle, go get him.  Snuggle, rock, bottle, snuggle, kiss, back down.  Tonight he took an entire bottle (8 ounces) - he hasn't done that in a long time.  Probably because he didn't have much for dinner.  Hope he can sleep through the night now that his tummy's full. 

11:25 p.m. – I go to get back in bed and Sage is in my spot.  She looks so comfortable and I swear she smiles at me.  I feel bad moving her, but shove her over to Ryan’s side. She took all the covers with her.  I lay down and pass out. 

1:50 a.m. – Wake up to Mac crying.  More like whimpering, not a full on cry.  After a few minutes of fussing, he’s back down.  I go back to sleep.

3:00 a.m. – Kick Sage out of bed because she’s hogging my whole side and snoring.  Go back to sleep.  

And do it all over again. 

Happy Happy Happy

Day 14 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"Ten things that make you really happy..."

1. Watching my baby with my husband.  There is something so incredibly special about that father-son bond that I will never know or understand.  Sometimes I get jealous just thinking about how much time they're going to spend together in the future, how he'll want to grow up to be just like his daddy, how he'll be able to tell him things that he can't tell me.  But then my heart fills with pride knowing that I chose the most amazing man in the world to be that person for my child.  These two are going to be the best of friends.

2. Movies with talking animals.  

3. A clean uncluttered house where all the dishes are done, the laundry's put away, the rugs are vacuumed and the counter tops are cleared off.  This so rarely happens that I'm not sure I wouldn't just die of excitement (and shock) if it did.  

4. Freckles.

5.  Cake.  Preferably chocolate cake with vanilla icing.  Lots of icing.  

6.  Baby snuggles.  And baby hugs.  And baby kisses/licks.  And baby high-fives.  

7.  Being told that you did a good job on something.  Whether it's a project at work, an invitation I sent out, or even just a good dinner I made, I truly love when people recognize and acknowledge when I do a good job at something.  Can you tell that "Words of Affirmation" are one of my Love Languages?

8.  I'm getting a nephew in September!  Did I mention that yet?  Well, I am!  And I'm so excited.  Excited to see my little brother and his wife become parents.  Excited to be an aunt again.  Excited to have a new baby to hold and snuggle and visit.  Excited for Mac to have a boy cousin (in town!) to be his partner in crime.  We're saving up money for bail now.

9.  The look on Mac's face when I walk in the door at the end of the day.

10.  Vacation.  We've got our annual Location X fishing trip coming up in a few weeks and I'm giddy at the thought of spending long days at the beach, exploring the island, lounging by the pool in the evenings, going into town for dinner of oysters and wine and ending the night in a cool dark air conditioned room with the sound of the waves outside my window.  I can't wait to see how Mac does at the beach now that he can walk.  And I'm forever indebted to my husband for taking one for the team and driving the dogs and all our luggage there, while we fly, so our whole entire family (minus the cat) can vacation together.   I owe you big, I know.  And I owe the cat.

What makes you happy right now?

Sorry!

Day 13* of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"Issue a Public Apology..."

To the guy that I cut off in traffic yesterday because I was running late and hadn't had any coffee and was listening to Ke$ha a little bit too loudly for 8:30 am...I'm sorry.

To my dear sweet husband, who has to put up with my moodiness and sass and know-it-all-ness, day after day after day...I'm sorry.

To my parents for everything naughty and bad that I did as a kid...I'm sorry (but know that I've got it all coming back to me with this kid).  

To my liver for all the damage I've done to you over the last decade...I'm sorry.

To my bank account for all the baby-related crap I've purchased instead of pretty dresses and bags...I'm sorry.  

To the hundreds of oysters and crabs that have to die so I can fill my belly with you on our beach vacation in a few weeks...I'm sorry.

To my co-workers for the number of times I've come into the office with wet hair, no make-up and two different shoes on...I'm sorry.  

To the pregnant lady I saw in the grocery store, wrangling a toddler and waddling around with a giant belly that I watched enviously just a little too long to make her slightly uncomfortable or think I was a kidnapper...I'm sorry. 

To my blog readers, who are about to be bombarded with photo overload of every single ridiculous detail of Mac's upcoming first birthday party...I'm sorry.

To my pets, who have been getting  "loved" a little too roughly by a pair of small hands lately and are now missing a few patches of fur...I'm sorry.

To Baby Mac, who gets to enjoy a lifetime of me embarrassing him with silly made-up songs, taking a million photos of everything he does and talking about him to random strangers on the internet...I'm sorry (not really).  

*I'm obviously behind a little bit on posting every day...SORRY!

In the Still of the Night

Day 12 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"What do you miss?"

It's 2:20 a.m. on a Tuesday night as I sit in the dark cool nursery, wrapped in a fleece blanket, snuggling a tired and scared baby boy and write this post in my head.  He had a nightmare, I think.  Another one.  They're getting more and more frequent.  He wakes up scared and confused and disoriented.  Sometimes he doesn't even open his eyes, he just sits up in his crib and screams.  When I open the door, he can sense my presence and for a minute, he gets absolutely hysterical.  He reaches for me, grasping the air, grabbing handfuls of my shirt, my hair, my necklace.  He pulls himself into my chest as hard as he can and buries his face in my neck.  Sometimes the sobbing stops instantly.  Sometimes it takes a few deep breaths, maybe some bouncing, sometimes he needs to hear my voice as I hold him tight and whisper "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" into his ear.  He calms.  It breaks my heart to think that he was scared and alone in the dark for even just a few minutes.  But I'm here now.  I'm all he needs.  I'm his touchstone, his safe haven, his mama.  I exist to make it all better.  In a few years I'll be ridding his closet of monsters and battling the boogie man that lives under his bed.  But for now, all he needs is me.  My touch, my warmth, my voice.  I have mama magic.

I move to the rocking chair and wrap the two of us in a soft warm blanket.  He lays his head in the crook of my arm and looks up at me, making sure I'm still there.  It's dark, but I can just make out the features of his face by the soft glow of the nightlight.  I smile and give him a soft warm kiss on his cool forehead.  He closes his eyes and buries his face in my neck.  I take a deep breath and take in his scent as he takes in mine.  We rock, our bodies pressed as close together as we can get so we can feel each other's heartbeat.  He fits so perfectly against me, curled in all the right places, like two perfectly matched puzzle pieces.  We were made for each other.  And we rock.  I notice that he's getting longer every day and his feet now stick off my lap beyond my knees. His little arms wrap up around my neck and my arms stretch all the way around him to envelope him, like a mommy octopus.  And we rock.  Back  and forth in the moonlight.  Listening to the sound of the rain from his white noise machine and taking in the stillness of the room.  Everyone else in the house is fast asleep, it's just us awake.  We're the only people in the whole world.  And we rock.  After a few minutes he relaxes and gently, gradually lets go.  I loosen my embrace around him and let him slide down into my arms into his usual cradle position.  His feet stop moving, his hands unclench and he starts snoring ever so slightly.  And we rock.  

As gently and nimbly as I can, I get him moved to his crib and in his favorite sleeping position, face down, butt up, arms and legs curled in tight.  I pat him on the back a few times and say a prayer in my mind over his sleeping body.  I sneak out of the room and back into my own bed.  My sheets are cool, but I can still feel the warm spot on my chest where his cheek was resting a few minutes ago.  I wrap the blankets around me and try to drift off to sleep for the third time this night.  We'll probably do this all again in an hour or two.  It's going to be a long night, followed by an early morning.

I miss sleep.  But in the meantime, I'm not missing a moment.

10 Words

Day 11 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"Sell yourself in 10 words or less..."

Well, this has to be one of the weakest, stupidest, lamest topics of the month.  Ugh.  But I'm trying to play by the rules, so here goes noting.  This is how truly awesome I am...

Fall From Grace

Day 10 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"Most embarrassing moment..."

Geez, there are so many horribly embarrassing stories to choose from, but this one jumps out as pretty mortifying.  OK.  Picture this, I'm an eager-beaver law student, half-way through my first year of law school and going on my VERY FIRST call-back interview for a major law firm here in St. Louis.  My grades were good first semester, which is how I score this nearly unheard of opportunity to be interviewing for a summer associate position after my first year!    This would be great money, a great opportunity and possibly lead to a full-time position after graduation   Needless to say, I was pumped.  

I was dressed in my brand new Ann Taylor plain-ass boring black skirt suit with a plain white button-up, plain black patent leather pumps and pantyhose (standard law student interview attire).   I was excited and nervous, but handling myself with confidence, as I was told to do.  The way law firm interviews work is you start off with HR, then move around the firm to the offices of a few different attorneys, getting the tour of the place as you go.  I think I had four attorney interviews that day.  The first one was going well.  I felt like I was hitting it off with the attorney and felt comfortable.  I liked the firm.  I had a reign on my nerves. At the end of the 20 minutes it was time to move on to the next office.  One down, three to go.  

The next interview was one floor down.  We took the internal staircase that the lawyers use that lead down a flight into the firm library.  I was looking around, taking it all in, trying to maintain eye contact with my interviewer/tour guide, trying to appear impressed, but not overly so.  I'm sure you can all see where this is going.  With about 6 steps left, I lost my footing and tumbled down, down, down to the bottom of the stairs.  In the middle of the library.  With a bunch of attorneys watching me.  Cringing.

I fell pretty hard.  It hurt.  I was freaked out.  I didn't know what to do.  So I stood up quickly, brushed my hair out of my face, stuck my arms out, smiled and said, "TAA DAA!"  And bowed.  

No one laughed.  No one cracked a smile.  Three people ran up to me to make sure I was ok.  They made me sit down and brought me a glass of water.  The found my shoes, which went flying off my feet during my fall from grace and the folder of resumes and references I was holding.  Thank God I didn't impale myself with the pen in my hand.  I'm sure they were terrified that I was going to sue or something.  I was MORTIFIED.

After a few minutes of trying to laugh it off and let everyone know I was ok (which I wasn't), they took me to the next interview.  Both the knees of my pantyhose were ripped open.  I was a dishelved wreck.  I had to tell the story of what happened three more times to everyone I saw to explain my appearance.  My nerves were SHOT.  The rest of the interviews sucked.  I left as fast as I could and spent 30 minutes in my car bawling, praying that I would never ever ever ever see any of those attorneys again.  That firm would be checked off my list of potential jobs.  

Needless to say, I didn't get an offer from them.  :)  I can't say that I wasn't surprised.

The next year, I didn't even apply to interview at that firm.  I just couldn't face them.  Everyone assured me that I was overreacting and that there was no way anyone would remember that a year later.  

Until a friend of mine interviewed there and her interviewer made her take the elevator down 1 level and said (with annoyance in his voice), "I'd take you down the internal staircase, but some girl fell down a whole flight of stairs last year and we've been instructed to use the elevator from now on."  Of course, she piped up with, "that was my friend Sara!"  

And my legend lives on.

He's a Keeper

Day 9 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"A moment in your day..."

There are so many moments in my day that are precious.  Any time spent with my baby is my favorite part of the day: watching him grow, watching him learn, watching him become the tiny little person that he is.  As parents, it's our job to shape his life, to teach him, to encourage him, to support him.  Along the way, until he develops interests of his own, we get to share our hobbies and interests with him. One of the things Ryan and I are looking forward to most is being able to share our love of the outdoors with Mac.  He already loves being outside, so I think it's going to be an easy plug.  

Ryan's also convinced that Mac's going to be an amazing fly fisherman, so he's getting him started early.  Every year at the end of May, we go on a tarpon fishing trip.  As soon as the weather starts getting nice, Ryan pulls out the big fly rod and starts practicing his casting up and down our street.  This year, he got to show Mac how it's done.  Mac was in my arms watching, just fascinated for a while, but the draw of the fly line just got to be too much and he needed to get down and practice with daddy.  Just sitting back on the curb and watching these two interact was such a magical moment.  Mac is so incredibly lucky to have Ryan as a father.  These two are destined to be the best of friends.  I see many many fishing trips in their future.  Perhaps I'm biased, but I think Mac's going to be a natural!

My Heartfelt Advice

Day 8 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"A piece of advice you have for others..."

Good gracious, this is tough topic.  I went back and forth about what advice I wanted to give you.  As I mentioned a few days ago, it's a little weird giving you guys advice when I feel so unqualified.  However, there is one piece of advice that I love to give to anyone and everyone that will listen, regarding anything and everything they do.  A universal truth that applies to life, but is especially important in the life of a child:

TAKE MORE PHOTOS!

You all know that I'm crazy about photography.  I'm addicted.  I can't help myself.  I've had a camera in my hands for as long as I could remember.  But never in my life have I taken more photos (or more significant photos) than I have this past year of my child.  I think taking photos of his childhood (babyhood?) is one of the most important things I can do for him (and me).  It's a way to preserve his tiny baby perfection.  It's documenting our life and solidifying our memories.  It's capturing those oh-so-important moments with the love of our life that we'll never be able to get back.

We all know how quickly the time goes by and how fast our little ones grow up.  As much as I try to live in the moment, I know there are a lot of moments I'm going to forget.  I want to remember the way he looks when he sleeps, the expression on his face when he sees the cat, the way he tries to use sign language, his surprise face, the zombie-like walking he does.  Not to mention all the little every day details that I want ingrained in my memory: the curl in his hair over his ear, the size of his feet, the dirt on his fingers, the length of his eyelashes, the fullness of his lips, the color of his eyes, the tip of his nose.  

They're not super little for very long.  Most of that time is spent by us in a constant state of sleep deprivation, worrying and surging hormones.  Luckily, we tend to quickly get over just how hard those first few days weeks months were.  If I didn't have a hundred photos of that time in Mac's life, I'm not sure how much (if any) I'd remember.  And as big of a pain in the ass it was to get out the camera and tempt waking a sleeping baby, it's so worth it.

Even after the new baby smell wears off, time just doesn't seem to slow down.  The milestones come one after another, fast and furious.  The memories of those little achievements are replaced with the next big thing.  Rolling turns to crawling turns to walking turns to running.  "Dadadadada" turns into "Dad, can I borrow the car?"  The moments fly by in the blink of an eye.

I try to have my camera out, fully charged and ready to go so I can grab it at a moment's notice.  Of course I always have it with me for the big moments, the vacations, the sporting events, the trips.  But I also want to make sure I capture photos of Mac just doing what he does - playing with the pots and pans, chasing the dogs, devouring pasta, emptying the laundry basket, climbing the stairs, getting a diaper change, throwing a ball, playing with the remote, knocking over the trashcan, eating sticks.   Some days I'll take 400 photos and some days I might take 4.  Sometimes I will go an entire week without taking a single photo and am shocked when I go back to see how much he's changed in that one little week.  Missed opportunities.  Don't put it off until tomorrow, because he'll never again be as little as he is today.

So my advice to you - get your camera out (I mean your real camera, not just your iPhone), clear your memory cards and get snapping!  Get pictures of all those little details and moments in your day that you just KNOW you'll never forget, because sometimes...you forget.  Take hundreds of pictures, just to keep a couple of the best.  They don't all have to be perfect.  He doesn't have to be smiling or even looking at you.  And If you're worried that your photos aren't as good as everyone else's - don't be.  Your child is never going to look back on photos of himself as a baby and say, "I wish my baby photos looked like s0-and-so's photos."  No, he's going to say, "Look how little I was.  Look how young and pretty you were, mom. Look at dad's hair!" And if you're concerned, just know that practice and experimenting are the best ways to get better at photography.  Your skills will improve with each photo you take and you'll have those pictures of your little one to always look back on.  That's a win-win, my friend. 

Be Afraid...Be Very Afraid

Day 7 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"The things you're most afraid of..."

Well, I've made it a whole week in this challenge.  Are you getting sick of me yet?  This blogging every day thing has proven to much much harder (hence the "challenge" description) than I thought it would.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to really craft a well-written, thoughtful post for each prompt.  I'd love to use today's topic to really get into depth about what scares me about being a parent.  What I worry about.  What I'm most afraid of.  But alas, that shall have to wait for another day.  I'm sure my fears are the same as most parents out there, nothing drastically different.  So today I'll give you a little glimpse into some other things that scare me (warning: my mind is a weird place).

- SIDS 

- Losing my husband

- Getting fired

- Hurting someone

- The fact that I may not get to sleep through the night for the rest of my life

- E.T.

- The ocean at night

- Making the same mistakes my parents made

- Having a daughter who makes the same mistakes I made

- Motorcycles

- Missing a big deadline

- Sinkholes

- Clowns

- Rejection

- Being wrong

- Kidnappers

- Being hit in the face with a baseball at a game

- "Reply To All"

- Head lice

- My student loan debt

- Being bitten by a rabid squirrel

- Running out of vodka

- A snake in the toilet

- Failure

- Voldemort

And what about you...what are you scared of?  

What I Do

Day 6 of the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge:

"If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question 'what do you do'?"

It's funny, if you actually did ask me that question, I probably wouldn't answer with my job anyway.  While my job is something I do, it's not who I am.  What I am and what I do right now is be a MOM.

I worry about my child 24/7.  Whether he's developing at the right pace, whether he's smart, whether's he's eating enough, whether he's safe, whether he's happy.  

I am there for him.  Through the long sleepless nights, the bumps/bruises, the snot, the poop, the drool, the milestones and all the uneventful moments of just being.

I nurture his curiosity.  By reading to him, by talking to him, by singing to him, by playing with him, by being by his side as he explores. 

I provide for him.  I give him clothes, toys, sustenance, attention, affection, adoration, a home where he's safe, a family full of people that love him. 

I document his life.  I take photos, I write letters, I keep mementos, all so he knows where he came from and that we think ever single moment with him is special.

I create memories for him.  I provide entertainment and activities, plan vacations and trips, give him experiences and outings and adventures.

I exist.  To make him happy, to make sure he's safe, to teach him to be a good person, to kiss his ouchies and make it all better. 

I am his quiet.  He is my wild.

I love him.  Unconditionally.  With all my heart and soul.  I am his mama.