Running from the Law

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Mac's One Year Photos

For Mac's one year photos, we decided to take a trip to the St. Louis Zoo!  We absolutely love our city's zoo and try to make it there as much as we can.  Even though it was 8:00 a.m., it was about 600 degrees outside and our little man didn't last too long in the heat.  But Caroline of A Better Story Photography captured some really adorable photos of him exploring the zoo and hanging with his parents. We rode the carousel, checked out the sea lions, took a train ride and got splashed by the penguins.  Not a bad way to spend the morning.  



 All images by A Better Story Photography

Friday, July 19, 2013

Friday Five


1. I am SO excited about my weekend plans.  Ally is coming in town and we are doing all kinds of fun St. Louis stuff.  We're going to a Cardinals game, taking the baby to Grant's Farm, seeing Les Mis at the Muny, having dinner at Brasserie, and probably doing some shopping somewhere (because that always seems to happen).  We'll also be doing a lot of celebrating, because someone got accepted to the graduate program at King's College and will be moving to London!  I'm so excited for you, Al (and I also hate you a little bit because I'm so horribly jealous).  I promise to take lots of pictures!  (Although I just realized that I never posted the photos of the trip Mac and I took to Dallas a few months ago...blogger fail.)


2. I have been reading the same book for going on 73 years now.  And it's a good book! One that I'm interested in and want to read, I just don't have time.  I fondly remember those days when I could read 2-3 books in a week.  Can you even imagine?!  Now, any time I have an extra free minute or two, it's usually spent doing dishes or scrambling to put laundry away (who am I kidding...it's spent playing Candy Crush Saga).  On a side note, if you have any idea how to beat Level 140, please email me immediately.  

3. Speaking of reading, are you guys reading the "Motherhood Around the World" series on A Cup of Jo?  I have been reading that blog forever and I love this series.  There's only been one interview so far (an American mother living in Oslo, Norway), but I just found it absolutely fascinating.  It reminded me of another post she wrote on babies sleeping outside in prams in Denmark (HERE) that absolutely shocked me.  I find this all so intriguing.

4. I haven't blogged about the beach vacation we took last month (because I haven't had time to get through all the photos yet (stupid Candy Crush Saga!)), but I did want to share a couple of pictures of Mac and baby Emma.  Emma is the daughter of one of my best/oldest friends in the world, who just happened to be vacationing (and getting married) on the very same beach, on the very same small island where we were vacationing, the very same weekend we were there.  And we had no idea!  How crazy is that?  Jamie and I have known each other since birth.  I probably haven't seen him in years, but our families are very close and we've kept in touch with how/what the other is doing.  Jamie and I are one month apart growing up.  Mac and Emma are one month apart.  We were even invited to the wedding, but my mom failed to send me the invitation/information.  I found all this out because of a Facebook post, which happened to have a photo of the menu of a restaurant we ate at the very night before.  Isn't that wild?  What a small world. 

So they stopped by, of course.  I got to meet his wife and daughter.  He got to meet Ryan and Mac.  Do you believe that some people are put in your life for a reason?  Maybe meant to pop up occasionally, perhaps to keep your rooted to your past or remind you of where you came from.  I don't know, but I hope we see a lot more of this family in the future.  


5. I've received such great feedback on my photography tutorial earlier this week!  Thank you all!  I'm so glad to hear that my tips are helping you guys take better photos of your kiddos.  So, to keep up with that idea, I was thinking of doing a little photo contest for you guys next week so you could put your new camera skillz to good use?  Would anyone be interested in that?  I will choose a prompt (or theme), announce it mid-week, give you next weekend to take some photos of your littles (or whatever else floats your boat) and then you would submit your photo the following week.  Winner gets something fabulous.  What do you think?  Any interest?  If so, use this weekend to get out your fancy camera and play around!  Let me know...



By the way, are you following me on Instagram or Facebook?  If not, what are you waiting for?!  I'd be honored and am happy to follow you back!  I'm always looking for new ways to connect with you guys!


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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Best Summer Toys for Tots

I've already mentioned this, but we are absolutely loving summer at our house!  Mac's favorite word right now is "OUTSIDE" and he says it non-stop and points to the front door anytime we're inside. He would rather be outside in the heat with the hose, than inside with all the toys in the world. Fortunately, there are some pretty cool outside toys for little ones right now.  Mac was lucky enough to receive lots of fun outdoor toys for his birthday in May and we've been slowly amassing enough toys to keep the entire neighborhood busy!  Our front yard is "happening" these days!  I thought it'd be fun to share some of Mac's favorite things /outside toys right now.  There's still a LOT of summer left!  

Best Summer Toys for Tots (1 year old)


Radio Flyer Pathfinder Wagon - Such a classic summer item. This one is plastic, has 2 seats and drives like a dream! It even has cup holders!

Little Tikes Gas 'n Go Mower - Possibly Mac's favorite summer toy.  He loves mowing the lawn with daddy.  This one (thankfully) doesn't take any batteries, but makes great noise.  He loves pulling the cord and "starting" it.  So cute.

Bubble Machine - This bubble machine is no joke.  LOTS of bubbles.

Crayola Sidewalk Chalk  - We love our sidewalk chalk at our house (Mac also loves to eat it).

Step2 Fun and Sun Climber with Sandbox - Slide and sandbox combo.  Amazing.

Inflatable Kiddie Pool - This little inflatable pool is just the right size.  He has very little interest actually getting in it, but he loves throwing things in it and splashing around.  

Sprinkler - This is similar to the sprinkler we have and love.  Shoots in all different directions.  So much fun to run through.

Little Tikes Spiralin' Seas Waterpark - If your little one doesn't have a water table, you are SO missing out.  Greatest toddler invention ever.

Melissa & Doug Sand Set - For making mud/sand pies and other delicious treats in the park sandbox.

John Deere Sit-N-Scoot Tractor - How cute is this mini John Deere tractor?  The country girl in me cannot get enough.

Little Tikes 2-in-1 Snug 'n Secure Swing - This little swing is hanging from the tree in our front yard and gets a LOT of use. The neighbors across the street had to get one too because their girls loved it so much.

Puddle Jumper - Perfect for visits to the pool or the lake.

Melissa & Doug Sunny Patch Watering Can - Because Mac loves to help me water the plants.

Melissa & Doug Happy Giddy Chair - For lounging. Just in case he ever wanted to stop moving for 5 seconds.


Am I missing anything?

What are your kid's favorite summer toys?


* This post contains affiliate links. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

Going Beyond Point & Click - Part 2


Back in January, the amazing and talented Anni of Anni Cee Photographie did a guest post on the blog called Going Beyond Point and Click on ways to improve your photography.  I absolutely loved her advice and I think my photos have improved since I've started learning how to back button focus and playing around in Manual.    I'm still not as good as I want to be (sometimes I nail the picture and sometimes I'm way off), but I'm practicing and that's the best way to learn.  I still delete a lot of photos.

However, after my post on taking more photos of your kids, a lot of you have asked for my advice on how to take better pictures of your little ones.  While I'm completely flattered, I also don't really feel qualified to teach you guys anything about photography since I'm still learning.  I don't know what I'm doing half the time and I certainly can't tell you what you should be doing.  That being said, I'm going to do it anyway!  

So, here's the second installment of Going Beyond Point and Click - 8 easy ways to improve your photography, written by someone who has absolutely no training and zero credentials...ME!  Since I'm not a "real" photographer (total fauxtographer here), my advice is going to be on a much more basic level.  Some of these are the exact same things that Anni discussed, but from my (amateur and kid-photography-based) perspective.  It'll cover some of the stuff I've found helpful and learned about photography over the last couple years.  Consider it the prequel to Anni's post describing some of the things that I do when I take photos (in case you care).  Maybe these things will help you, or maybe you're way beyond this stuff.  Feel free to leave a "Duh, Sara" comment below.  Or leave your questions - I might not know the answer, but I'll try to help  :)  

1. Learn the 3 basic settings: aperture, shutter speed, ISO

The very first thing I did when I got my "fancy camera" was to learn the basics and then practice, practice, practice.  And the most basic of the basic camera functions/settings are aperture, shutter speed and ISO.    There are a ton of tutorials out there that teach you what all of these are/do, so try a few out.  Here's how I remember them:
  • Aperture (or f/stop) - this determines how much of your photograph is in focus.  The f/stop numbers refer to how open or closed the aperture on the lens is. The wider the opening of the lens (or the smaller the number), the greater the amount of light that enters your camera at one time (and the less will be in focus).  Remember, the SMALLER the number, the LESS is in focus.  A wide open aperture (LOW number) is how you get the blurry background in a photo (bokeh).  Aha moment!
  • Shutter Speed - is how quickly the shutter opens and closes. A faster shutter speed will freeze action whereas a slower shutter speed can create a blurred effect.  When you set your shutter speed on your camera, you’ll see numbers like 60, 120, 250, 1000 and so on. These actually represent 1/60th of a second, 1/120th of a second and so on. So the HIGHER the bottom number on the fraction, the FASTER the shutter speed and the less blurry it will be.
  • ISO - is the film speed, or how quickly the camera captures the photo.  Upping the ISO will bring light into your photos in lower light settings.  But the higher you set the ISO, the more digital noise (or grain) is created in the image. A good rule of thumb is that anything 800 or over will begin to give you digital noise in your image. 

Now that you know the basics, play around with your camera and adjust them and see how it changes your photos.  When I was learning how to use my camera, I spent hours just taking pictures of random things around my house and my yard with various settings.  Start by putting your camera on Av (aperture priority mode) and take 20 photos of exactly the same thing with various aperture settings, starting at the lowest one and going up from there.  Keep your focal point the same and check out the background.  You'll be amazed at the difference.  Then put the camera in Tv (shutter speed priority mode) and take 20 photos of the exact same thing (something moving, like running water or a wheel spinning or your child running around the yard like a wild banshee) with various shutter speed settings.  With both, adjust your ISO to brighten the photos up, but not enough to where they're grainy.  Play around!  Take 500 photos and then delete them all.  That's the great thing about a digital camera.  After this, you'll get it.


2. Buy a prime lens

This was also one of Anni's tips, but I want to re-stress the importance of this.  If you really want to up your game and take beautiful, bright photos with that dreamy blurry background, you'e going to need a good lens.  For those of us that aren't professionals, a good lens is probably more important than a super fancy camera body.  So, what I'm saying is whatever DSLR you have is good enough, if you spend a little extra money on a good lens.  Why?  Because a good prime (as opposed to zoom) lens will have a much wider aperture (remember from 2 seconds ago, the wide aperture (low f/stop) is what lets in light and creates that shallow depth of field).  That cheap "kit" lens that came with your camera probably only has an aperture of f/5.6 or something.  You can get a very good prime lens (50mm f/1.8) for just over $100.  f/1.8!  That's WAY wider than f/5.6, which means it's going to really brighten up your indoor photos and help you achieve that beautiful blurry background (bokeh) you're after.  Even a good zoom lens will only go down to f/2 or so.  My 50mm goes down to f/1.4 - that's two full stops below the very best zoom lens, which means FOUR TIMES the amount of light.  That's major, y'all.  Our house is dark, I need that lens.


(shutter speed: 1/3200 sec, aperture: f/1.4, ISO 125)


3. Zoom with your feet

Nearly everyone I suggest getting a prime lens to comes back with the same response, "But I want a zoom lens, so I can get close to or far from my subject without moving."  Well, sorry, you're just going to have to stop being lazy and move!  It'll be worth it, I promise!  Moving around (and zooming with your feet, instead of your lens) makes you interact more with your subject (and for those of us photographing kids, this is so important).  It forces you to pay more attention to composition.  It makes you consider light and setting more frequently.  These are all good things, my friend.



Now this is definitely a style preference, but when I'm taking pictures of people (or mainly just Mac), I like to shoot my subject(s) very close.  Sometimes background and other elements are in the photo, but I really like the people in my photos to be the center of attention in the photo and for the viewer not to be distracted by what's around them.  I recently read an article that mirrors this style that I loved and thought was really spot-on with respect to how I like to take photos.  Here's an except:
"When I first became a photographer, I realized that many of my photographs were wider shots. I liked adding elements of the environment to tell the story, but I was lacking a sense of intimacy in my images. My subjects were getting lost. I then discovered my love for prime lenses. Prime lenses have a fixed focal length and do not zoom in or out. You become the zoom. If you want to get closer to your subjects, you are forced to step closer — and, in turn, interact with them. When you interact with your subjects, you can capture more emotions. 
Whenever possible, I always zoom with my feet rather than my lens (the 50mm f/1.2). With this lens, I am able to get close to my subjects without getting any distortion from a wider lens.  Shooting close also eliminates distractions from your image. Sometimes adding in natural elements to the image can be a good thing, but there are times when you want to focus solely on your subject. Filling the entire frame with your subject lets new details come into play, and it leaves no doubt about the intended subject of the photograph."   
(you can read the full article HERE)

Of course this isn't for everyone and it's definitely not appropriate in every situation (like on vacation taking photos of landscapes, or when you want to set the scene of a photo, or for those of you that love using negative space).


4. The eyes are key

I cannot stress this enough!  The EYES of the subjects in your pictures MUST BE IN FOCUS.  Let me say it again.  EYES.IN.FOCUS.  Capisce?  I can't even tell you how many photos I delete because the eyes of my subject were not in focus.  This is a tough one for me because Mac moves a lot and it's not always easy to make sure that the camera is focusing on his eyes.  Plus, when you're using a wide aperture, it's really easy for your camera to focus on what's closest to you, rather than the eyes.  I've probably taken thousands of photos of Mac where his hand (or nose, or foot, or something else) is in focus, but not his eyes because that was what my camera chose to focus on.  That's why back-button focusing can be really helpful - you get to choose the focus spot, not the camera.  If I don't have time to set the focus manually, I try to take a series of photos quickly in a row with the hopes that at least 1 has the eyes in focus and then I just delete the rest.


And just as important as you taking photos with the eyes in focus, you should also make this a priority (an absolute MUST) when choosing a photographer to take your photos.  I also cannot tell you how many times I've seen "professional" photographers post photos where the subject's eyes were not in focus.  Oh, the horror!  It's one thing when someone like me (not a pro, just taking pictures of my kid) posts those photos (because I do occasionally), but it's quite another when someone paid for those photos to be taken and a professional doesn't nail the focus.  I feel so bad for the person getting those pictures.  Sometimes the consumer might not even realize it - I think with time you develop an eye for that type of thing after looking at lots of photos.  But once you see it, you can't UNSEE it.  Start paying attention and you'll start to notice it more and more.


5. Pick your best 

Anni said this was her most important tip and I have to agree with just how important it.  While some of these tips will help you learn how to take better photos, this tip is telling you to only keep the good ones that you do take.  Why keep tons of photos of nearly the exact same thing, especially if only a few of them are in focus or perfectly exposed?  Cull, cull, cull.  Only present your best.  No one has to know that you took 437 photos of your kid playing with the hose, then deleted 200 of them because they were slightly out of focus, deleted another 100 because your settings weren't perfect, and deleted another 100 that were too similar to another photo that was better framed or in better focus, leaving you with only 37 photos that are in focus, perfectly exposed, that you love.  And 37 photos is still a shit-ton of photos of your kid playing with the stupid hose.  Serious overkill (I am SO guilty of this).  For the baby book or for posterity, you only really need about 5, right?  Maybe only 2.  THIRTY SEVEN is a bit much.  I'm working on this all the time.

(Here are 4 of about 10 of nearly the EXACT same shot - I have to learn to only pick 1!)
(In case you're wondering, I'd probably pick the top left because his eyelashes stand out so much more.)

Ok, so all that stuff about the eyes being in focus and deleting every single photo that's not perfect is important, BUT, if you take a photo that tugs at your heartstrings and brings you to tears and is just wonderful, but it's not perfectly in focus or correctly exposed, just keep it.  Don't stress about it.  Maybe it's not the one you proudly display on a 20x30 canvas in your living room, but there's nothing wrong with keeping photos that you love, whether they're perfect or not.  I have a lot of these.  I like to call them "artistic."  :)  It's ok, you can call them what they really are...blurry.


6. Be the director of your photos

You know how in moving-making (because I'm oh-so familiar with that...what?) the director is the one who tells people where to stand or how to act or what to do?  Do that!  If you don't like the background you're getting in your photos, move around to the other side or have your subjects stand somewhere else.  If it's too dark where you're currently taking pictures, move towards a window.  If the light is too harsh, find some shade.  If your living room is a disaster area, take the baby to another room.  Or better yet, do a quick 30 second clean up to remove the clutter from an area and then take the photos (it doesn't take much to create the illusion of a clean house if you remove the clutter and distractions from the photos - no one will know you just shoved all that shit under the bed!).  Don't be afraid to take charge of your photos.   Move the baby, he won't care.  Of course this won't always work or be practicable, but you might be surprised how much little things like this could improve your photos.



7. Experiment with angles

This is such a generic tip, but great when you're photographing kids.  Get down on their level.  Get close to them.  Get way up above them.  Shoot them from the side or from the back or from way below.  Lay on the floor.  Climb on a chair.  Shoot through a fence or from behind something.  Play around.  If your kid's like mine, he basically ignores me if I'm just standing next to him.  But if I lay down on my back and look up at him or stand on the table and make monkey noises, he pays attention!  And that's when I can get a good shot of him actually looking at me, which happens less and less often.  Plus, playing around with different angles can create some really visually interesting shots and give you a new perspective. I already know what it looks like from where I'm standing, why not try something else.



8. Basic editing

Again, like Anni, I think it can really help you improve your photos if you do some simple basic editing to them.  You don't need to go out and buy full-on Photoshop for hundreds of dollars, but do use something a little more sophisticated than Instagam filters.  I use Photoshop Elements (which you can get for less than $100).  I've also heard really great things about Lightroom (but know nothing about that).  I think Elements is pretty easy to use and offers WAY more things than I'll ever be able to teach myself.  I started out just using actions and have taught myself some basic editing from there.  Actions allow you to make quick edits with one click (i.e. brighten, make warmer, convert to black & white, add contrast, etc.)  As for my favorite actions, the Pioneer Woman has a great set of free actions and Florabella has some really stunning ones, but they're a little pricier.  I absolutely love the Florabella Colorplay actions (and she's got great online tutorials to show you how to install the actions and use them).  They're really simple to use.  I've never taken an editing class or anything (although I'd love to) - but there are tons of free editing tutorials out there to teach you the basics. My main edits are usually to lighten a photo, add a little extra contrast and sometimes fix color casts (too yellow or blue because of indoor lighting).  



So, that's my two cents on how I take photos.  I hope it encourages you to pick up your "nice camera" and take some photos!  Play around...experiment.  Go crazy, folks!  Like I said, I'm not a professional, nor do I think my photos are outstanding or anything, but I do think I've learned a lot over the last few years and have come a long way from where I started.  I'm happy to answer any questions you might have.  And if this series is something you like, let me know and I'll try to find a few more people to share their photography tips/advice.


Friday, July 12, 2013

5 on Friday


1. Thank you all for your kindness, love and support regarding my last post.  Wow.  I'm really overwhelmed by all of the emails, comments, texts, FB messages, calls and tweets.  I even got a giant bear hug in the middle of my street yesterday.  You all really know how to make a girl feel loved.  Thank you again.


2. Over the next few weeks, you may notice a few things changing on this little ol' blog.  I'm getting a new layout design, which I'm really excited about.  I've also been asked/chosen to participate in a few reviews and giveaways with a marketing network.  I was hesitant to take the blog in this direction, since I don't want to "sell out" or have it be overrun with ads or anything, but I plan on being very selective with any campaigns I participate in and I think it will be fun.  I mean, YOU get to win stuff.  That's not bad.  If nothing else, I'm hoping that it'll kick start my motivation for keeping up with the blog and encourage me to post more.  We'll see...  If I feel like it's too much or anything, then I'll go back.  I'm just experimenting.  

3. We are just loving summer at our house!  Mac's been going non-stop lately and we're all so worn out at the end of each day.  He just loves the splash pads at our local parks, playing with the hose in the front yard, splashing in his kiddie pool, going on picnics, eating snow cones and popsicles, riding in his wagon, pushing around his little lawnmower, drawing on the sidewalk, blowing bubbles.  He's also talking up a storm and has gone from saying 2 to nearly 10 words!  He is just so much fun right now.


4. We have exactly nothing planned for the weekend and I'm beyond excited about it.  We've been going going going lately with baby showers, bridal showers, engagement parties, dinner parties, holidays, weekend trips, etc. and haven't spent time alone together in a while.  Next weekend is going to be crazy fun (because this girl's coming in town), but this weekend, it's just the three of us.  I purposefully didn't schedule us for ANYTHING.  I think we'll take Mac and the puppies for a long walk tomorrow morning, followed by some playtime, maybe a fun picnic lunch outside and (hopefully) a looooong nap for us all.  I'm going to turn my phone off and just enjoy some peace and quiet with my boys (and girl dogs).  

5. Yesterday, Ryan and I celebrated our four year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe we've been married (and haven't killed each other) for four whole years.  And I actually still like him!  Shocking.  I told him last night over our fancy romantic dinner that I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.  Or at least I'd sign up for another four years.  Happy anniversary, love.  :)  FOUR MORE YEARS!


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

What Could Have Been


Today I should be 22 weeks pregnant.  But I’m not. 

This is a post I never thought I’d write.  Not because I didn’t think this could happen to me, but because I never imagined I’d be brave enough to talk about it on the internet and put it out there for the world to see and judge.  Opening up about this has been weighing heavily on me and I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not to say anything on the blog.  It’s like if I don’t say anything, maybe it didn’t even happen.  But a few things have happened over the last couple weeks that really made me think that I might just be ready to share…that my story just might make a difference to someone else.  So I’m holding my breath and taking a big leap of faith here. Please be kind.

First of all, yes, we’d been trying.  As you may recall, we had a hard time getting pregnant with Mac and we knew we wanted him to have a sibling close in age.  As overwhelmed as I was having one spirited baby that didn’t sleep through the night (and still doesn’t), the thought of having another made my heart absolutely soar.  In the hospital as I was getting prepped for my c-section, I joked to my OB that it’d be great if she could just put another baby in when they took Mac out.  I was half kidding, not actually knowing what I was getting into with one baby, but I was ready to grow our family and knew we weren’t stopping at one.  It helped that I loved being pregnant and that Mac is the most amazing kid in the world.  I’d take 10 of him.  So when it was time to start trying again for #2, needless to say, I was ready.

It took about four months this time.  No drugs, no shots, no ultrasounds, no doctor’s visits, no blood work, no stress.  This time my body had done what it was supposed to do.  I was so proud of it.  I was also incredibly relieved that we were going to avoid all the pain and heartache that came along with fertility treatments.  The thought of going through everything we went through to get Mac again scared me to death.  I didn’t know if I could handle it physically or emotionally again.  I prayed that we could do this on our own, that pregnancy had somehow “fixed” me.  And when I saw those two pink lines on the test, I broke down in tears of joy and relief and gratitude. 

I spent the next two weeks on a cloud.  The baby would be due in November.  I would be on maternity leave for the holidays.  Our children would be 18 months apart.  They would grow up the best of friends, just like Ryan and his brother.  We’d move Mac into the guest room down the hall and he’d have a “big boy” room.  We’d have to buy another crib.  Another stroller.  Another high chair.  I made plans.  I made an OB appointment for the week of Ryan’s birthday.  What a great gift it would be to see the baby’s heartbeat.  I daydreamed about Mac being a big brother.  We’d know the sex of the baby by the Fourth of July!  I looked at our list of names.  I touched my belly constantly, knowing that I had a secret.  I ordered a pair of mint maternity jeans and I was so excited to wear them with a big round belly. I made a secret Pinterest board of all the fun ways we were going to announce that our family would be growing.  It was all so exciting.  It’s really amazing how many plans you can make and how much you can love something in such a short amount of time. 

And just as easily as it happened, it un-happened. 

We were devastated.  Humiliated.  Scared.  Sad.  Angry.  Shocked.  I don’t even know how to describe the range of emotions running through me.  I was surprised and overwhelmed at how much I had grown to love the baby (or the idea of it) in only a few weeks.  I was shocked that this was happening to me.  After all, it had all felt so right.  I was supposed to have this baby.  I was supposed to be pregnant.  But then part of me felt like I should have known better – that it was just too easy, too good to be true.  Which made me angry.  Angry that my body was failing me again.  Angry that having a baby was so incredibly hard for us when it was so easy for everyone else.  Why did we have to go through this?  What had we done to deserve this? 

But mainly, I was sad.  Sad that I had somehow failed this baby.  Sad that I wouldn’t get the chance to meet him/her.  Sad that she wouldn’t get to be a part of our family.  Sad that Mac wouldn’t get that baby brother or sister.  Sad that I didn’t do my part to keep her safe.  Just so incredibly sad.

When they told us that we’d lost the baby, I already knew it.  I felt vacant and empty and alone.  I tried to hold it together, but as soon as Ryan left the hospital room, I lost it.  I had the biggest, ugliest cry of my entire life.  I cried until the nurse came in and gave me a hug.  I cried for me, for Mac, for Ryan, for the baby that would never have the chance to cry on her own.  I cried until I passed out.  When I woke up and it was time to go home I was cried out.  I gathered my things, washed the mascara off my face and walked to the car, with my hair still in a fancy up-do from the wedding I was missing.  It was time to be a mommy again.  Time to go home.  Time to take care of the baby I had and be strong for him. 

Just typing this all out feels surreal.  I feel like the last few months have been like watching a movie of this happening to someone else.  Someone else is going through the motions.  Someone else is getting through it.  Someone else is being strong.  Because there’s no way I could possibly be that strong.  I would be in a pile of sadness, letting it consume me and define me.  And yet, I’m not.  I think I’m ok.  I think I’ll be fine.  Of course, not a day goes by that I don’t think about what happened; that I don’t feel sadness and heartsick about it.  But I also think that having Mac by my side – happy, healthy, strong and growing – somehow makes it better.  I am so grateful for that child.

Over the last few weeks I’ve had multiple friends share their recent losses with me, which never seems to get easier.  I’m honored that they trust me with their experience and feel safe enough with me to open their hearts.  Their loss becomes my loss all over again and I mourn with each of them over their lost hopes and dreams.  I’m not sure if they’ve approached me because they “know” that I went through this – whether that means actual knowledge or just a feeling that I might be part of this secret club that none of us ever wanted to join.  Or maybe because they know that I’m no stranger to those intense and indescribable feelings of wanting a baby so badly it hurts.  But each time I tell my story, it seems to make someone going through it themselves feel a little bit better, a little less alone, a little more normal.  

So that’s why I’ve chosen to share this post with you today.  In the hopes that maybe someone out there reading this is going through something similar and somehow my words will make it a little better.   I know the power of blogging myself and how comforting it can be to know someone else has been in your shoes and survived.  In the weeks after my miscarriage I reached out to a fellow blogger (that I didn’t even know), because years ago I had read her posts on her miscarriage and I immediately felt like somehow she would understand what I was going through better than anyone else.  Her email back to me was so sweet and thoughtful and really made me felt like I wasn’t alone in this.  Thank you, Julia. 

And so we’ll all get through it…together.  I’m not saying that I’m over it.  I’m definitely not.  It's hard not to imagine how different things would be had it not happened.  It's hard not to think of what could have been.  Sometimes it hits me out of the blue and I'm overwhelmed by grief and sadness.  But it does get a little easier every day.  Somehow, some way, it’ll all work out like it’s supposed to.  Right?  At least I’ll keep telling myself that.  I feel like my experience with infertility taught me a valuable lesson in patience and trust.  When I finally held Mac in my arms after all those years of trying, I somehow knew why I had to go through it.  I knew that I needed that struggle to appreciate it.  I knew I was meant to wait for him.  Hindsight is a funny thing.  Maybe I’ll never know why I lost this baby.  Or maybe someday it’ll make sense.  Either way, I know how lucky I am.   And I know that life goes on.  And we’re all in this together. 

Love you all.



Monday, July 8, 2013

Cowgirl Up

 


As I said yesterday on IG, I'm home from Texas with a fuller heart, a lighter wallet and a slightly more damaged liver.  Boots, buckles, beauties and booze!  Texas never seems to disappoint!  I loved spending time with my girls and had a wonderful couple days celebrating the bride-to-be.  Only 75 days until the wedding!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Fourth of Fun


Ya'll, I'm off to our friends' bison ranch for a couple days of fishing and boating, lounging by the lake, shooting guns and fireworks, eating/drinking until we burst and spending quality time with friends and family.  Then I'm back in the office on Friday (I mean, I love my job, but that's just WRONG) before jet-setting down to the great state of Texas for my best friend's bachelorette party.  I can't wait to spend a weekend with my favorite girls!  I even get a bonus night with Ally, who is being a saint and making two airport runs to pick me and some friends up and then hauling us all the way to Fort Worth.  Ally, all your drinks are on me!  It's going to be a great holiday weekend.  I hope you all have a wonderful (and safe) holiday and weekend!  And I hope you have Friday off (boo!).