Running from the Law: What Could Have Been

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

What Could Have Been


Today I should be 22 weeks pregnant.  But I’m not. 

This is a post I never thought I’d write.  Not because I didn’t think this could happen to me, but because I never imagined I’d be brave enough to talk about it on the internet and put it out there for the world to see and judge.  Opening up about this has been weighing heavily on me and I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not to say anything on the blog.  It’s like if I don’t say anything, maybe it didn’t even happen.  But a few things have happened over the last couple weeks that really made me think that I might just be ready to share…that my story just might make a difference to someone else.  So I’m holding my breath and taking a big leap of faith here. Please be kind.

First of all, yes, we’d been trying.  As you may recall, we had a hard time getting pregnant with Mac and we knew we wanted him to have a sibling close in age.  As overwhelmed as I was having one spirited baby that didn’t sleep through the night (and still doesn’t), the thought of having another made my heart absolutely soar.  In the hospital as I was getting prepped for my c-section, I joked to my OB that it’d be great if she could just put another baby in when they took Mac out.  I was half kidding, not actually knowing what I was getting into with one baby, but I was ready to grow our family and knew we weren’t stopping at one.  It helped that I loved being pregnant and that Mac is the most amazing kid in the world.  I’d take 10 of him.  So when it was time to start trying again for #2, needless to say, I was ready.

It took about four months this time.  No drugs, no shots, no ultrasounds, no doctor’s visits, no blood work, no stress.  This time my body had done what it was supposed to do.  I was so proud of it.  I was also incredibly relieved that we were going to avoid all the pain and heartache that came along with fertility treatments.  The thought of going through everything we went through to get Mac again scared me to death.  I didn’t know if I could handle it physically or emotionally again.  I prayed that we could do this on our own, that pregnancy had somehow “fixed” me.  And when I saw those two pink lines on the test, I broke down in tears of joy and relief and gratitude. 

I spent the next two weeks on a cloud.  The baby would be due in November.  I would be on maternity leave for the holidays.  Our children would be 18 months apart.  They would grow up the best of friends, just like Ryan and his brother.  We’d move Mac into the guest room down the hall and he’d have a “big boy” room.  We’d have to buy another crib.  Another stroller.  Another high chair.  I made plans.  I made an OB appointment for the week of Ryan’s birthday.  What a great gift it would be to see the baby’s heartbeat.  I daydreamed about Mac being a big brother.  We’d know the sex of the baby by the Fourth of July!  I looked at our list of names.  I touched my belly constantly, knowing that I had a secret.  I ordered a pair of mint maternity jeans and I was so excited to wear them with a big round belly. I made a secret Pinterest board of all the fun ways we were going to announce that our family would be growing.  It was all so exciting.  It’s really amazing how many plans you can make and how much you can love something in such a short amount of time. 

And just as easily as it happened, it un-happened. 

We were devastated.  Humiliated.  Scared.  Sad.  Angry.  Shocked.  I don’t even know how to describe the range of emotions running through me.  I was surprised and overwhelmed at how much I had grown to love the baby (or the idea of it) in only a few weeks.  I was shocked that this was happening to me.  After all, it had all felt so right.  I was supposed to have this baby.  I was supposed to be pregnant.  But then part of me felt like I should have known better – that it was just too easy, too good to be true.  Which made me angry.  Angry that my body was failing me again.  Angry that having a baby was so incredibly hard for us when it was so easy for everyone else.  Why did we have to go through this?  What had we done to deserve this? 

But mainly, I was sad.  Sad that I had somehow failed this baby.  Sad that I wouldn’t get the chance to meet him/her.  Sad that she wouldn’t get to be a part of our family.  Sad that Mac wouldn’t get that baby brother or sister.  Sad that I didn’t do my part to keep her safe.  Just so incredibly sad.

When they told us that we’d lost the baby, I already knew it.  I felt vacant and empty and alone.  I tried to hold it together, but as soon as Ryan left the hospital room, I lost it.  I had the biggest, ugliest cry of my entire life.  I cried until the nurse came in and gave me a hug.  I cried for me, for Mac, for Ryan, for the baby that would never have the chance to cry on her own.  I cried until I passed out.  When I woke up and it was time to go home I was cried out.  I gathered my things, washed the mascara off my face and walked to the car, with my hair still in a fancy up-do from the wedding I was missing.  It was time to be a mommy again.  Time to go home.  Time to take care of the baby I had and be strong for him. 

Just typing this all out feels surreal.  I feel like the last few months have been like watching a movie of this happening to someone else.  Someone else is going through the motions.  Someone else is getting through it.  Someone else is being strong.  Because there’s no way I could possibly be that strong.  I would be in a pile of sadness, letting it consume me and define me.  And yet, I’m not.  I think I’m ok.  I think I’ll be fine.  Of course, not a day goes by that I don’t think about what happened; that I don’t feel sadness and heartsick about it.  But I also think that having Mac by my side – happy, healthy, strong and growing – somehow makes it better.  I am so grateful for that child.

Over the last few weeks I’ve had multiple friends share their recent losses with me, which never seems to get easier.  I’m honored that they trust me with their experience and feel safe enough with me to open their hearts.  Their loss becomes my loss all over again and I mourn with each of them over their lost hopes and dreams.  I’m not sure if they’ve approached me because they “know” that I went through this – whether that means actual knowledge or just a feeling that I might be part of this secret club that none of us ever wanted to join.  Or maybe because they know that I’m no stranger to those intense and indescribable feelings of wanting a baby so badly it hurts.  But each time I tell my story, it seems to make someone going through it themselves feel a little bit better, a little less alone, a little more normal.  

So that’s why I’ve chosen to share this post with you today.  In the hopes that maybe someone out there reading this is going through something similar and somehow my words will make it a little better.   I know the power of blogging myself and how comforting it can be to know someone else has been in your shoes and survived.  In the weeks after my miscarriage I reached out to a fellow blogger (that I didn’t even know), because years ago I had read her posts on her miscarriage and I immediately felt like somehow she would understand what I was going through better than anyone else.  Her email back to me was so sweet and thoughtful and really made me felt like I wasn’t alone in this.  Thank you, Julia

And so we’ll all get through it…together.  I’m not saying that I’m over it.  I’m definitely not.  It's hard not to imagine how different things would be had it not happened.  It's hard not to think of what could have been.  Sometimes it hits me out of the blue and I'm overwhelmed by grief and sadness.  But it does get a little easier every day.  Somehow, some way, it’ll all work out like it’s supposed to.  Right?  At least I’ll keep telling myself that.  I feel like my experience with infertility taught me a valuable lesson in patience and trust.  When I finally held Mac in my arms after all those years of trying, I somehow knew why I had to go through it.  I knew that I needed that struggle to appreciate it.  I knew I was meant to wait for him.  Hindsight is a funny thing.  Maybe I’ll never know why I lost this baby.  Or maybe someday it’ll make sense.  Either way, I know how lucky I am.   And I know that life goes on.  And we’re all in this together. 

Love you all.



55 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. ((big hugs))

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  2. Hugs to you for sharing this. I know it's going to help someone reading it. And just like your friend Julia, even if someone reading isn't going through it right now, that doesn't mean one of us won't be going through it in the future. (It's definitely a fear I have whenever we decide to try for #2.)I have several friends and family members who have miscarried with their second, even when they had no problems at all with their first. I don't know why this happens so often, but know that I'll be sending happy pregnancy thoughts your way. And you ARE strong! As devastating as all of this has been, you've stood back up, wiped your tears, and put another foot forward. It's amazing and you should be proud at how you've handled it. I believe that God never gives us more than we can handle, but that sometimes maybe he likes to test our limits.

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss Sara. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  4. Oh lady. You know I know. Being in the club sucks but it's also good. You can so feel for others. Maybe something you never wanted to feel--but it's another way to relate and share with other women. My heart hurts for you...but I'm always damn proud when people share their stories. Just like you said, it'll make someone else feel a little more normal. So many hopes and dreams wrapped up in one positive pregnancy test. I so know. email if you need to. xo

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  5. So so so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage back in January of 2012, shortly before we got pregnant with Abbie. It was early on (8 weeks) but so difficult - you truly do attached to the little one growing inside you right away. No words can ever make it better, but know that you are not alone and so many of us are here to support you and offer an ear, or a virtual hug. Please reach out if you need to talk at all. <3

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  6. Such a moving post. So very sorry you experienced a loss, and I hope when the time is right, you are able to add another baby to your family. I have not experienced a miscarriage yet thank God, but I have experienced infertility. I was blessed with a wonderful little boy who is now nine months old, and we have been trying again for a few months with no success. I'm so scared it will be a long struggle again or that something will go wrong if I do fall pregnant again. Anyway, just wanted to thank you for your post, and I do hope it helps you to write it and for others to read it.

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  7. I am soo sorry for your loss. It just doesn't seem like it should be allowed, you've been through the pain of infertility you shouldn't have to experience this too. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and I still worry about this little one and also the whole experience of trying for #2, #1 took so long to conceive and I just worry that we will have problems with #2 as well. My heart goes out to you a million times over, you will recover and you'll be a mama again.

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  8. When I saw the title of your post pop up in my news feed on facebook, my heart sank as I had a feeling what the post would include. I'm so sorry for your loss. This was such a brave and raw post. Thank you for having the courage to write these words and share your experience. Some one will read this or share with it a friend and will make them feel normal and not alone. That's what your blog was for me when I was struggling to get pregnant. Like many others have said...you will be a mama again...you will get to watch your bump grow again...you will get to plan for another baby again...and you get to rock those mint maternity pants! xoxo

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  9. I cried along with your words and just as I felt sadness for you and your family, I have hope for you. God never gives us anything we can't handle and he must have grand faith in you. Thank you for sharing such an intimate piece of your life. xoxo

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  10. I am sooo sorry for your loss! But how brave and moving of you to share it for those others who need that support. Great post!

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  11. sending you big hugs and prayers!!! You are so brave to write about this. I worry all the time about trying for #2, Hudson was a complete surprise, I was on the pill and had been told that I had a high likelihood of having infertility since i had PID. So the whole planning and waiting and all that comes with it scares the crap out of me!

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  12. Oh hun. You're so brave to share this and my heart goes out to you.

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  13. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. However, thank you so much for being so brave to share this...honestly, this is one of my biggest fears about starting to try for #2--and you've lived through it to tell about it and to help other women who are hurting. Hugs to you my friend, God certainly has plans that we don't always understand!

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  14. First off, I'm so sorry this has happened. It's strange how this blogging world works - the last few days I've been consumed with thoughts for another blogger that has had 4 miscarriages and is currently 7w4d with her #2. She's hoping this one works. I've been to entwined in her story since I'm 7w4d myself with our #2. Our little ones will be 18 months apart too - and reading about your excitement and planning puts things into perspective. THat is EXACTLY what i'm doing right now. My heart aches for you, and I want to reach out and just give you a big hug! No one should have to experience that pain and heartache, especially after struggling to even get pregnant. I hope for sunny days in your near future. The loss and missing baby will never disappear, but the ache will fad. I look forward to the day that you are announcing #2 and all is well. I'm thinking of you.

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  15. Miscarriage is one of the most awful things to have to go through and I'm so sorry you had go through it too! I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it go away, but know I'm thinking of you and your family and praying your family gets blessed with another baby soon! Your so strong to have written this! Sending lots of hugs your way!

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  16. Thank you for sharing with us blog readers. You are helping a lot of people out there feel not so alone. You are such a great mommy to Mac and I know you were to baby #2 and will be for any future children you bring into this world. Things never seem to go as you plan sometimes and you will look back one day and it will be okay. Praying for you guys.

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  17. Hugs to you Mama. Thank you for sharing this with us all, your blogging family. xoxo

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  18. Sending you love Sara. I'm so sorry.

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  19. Sara, I am so sorry for your loss.
    Sending many hugs and prayers your way.

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  20. I am so sorry you had to go through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sending many prayers. It does get easier with time.

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  21. Oh, Sara, my condolences. Your heartache is palpable. Your words are healing for yourself and others. I knew from the title what I was about to read. I knew until the very last words, how you've been feeling. Loss after infertility is especially difficult. The meaning of womanhood, of motherhood weighs more heavily...

    Know that I am thinking about you, about what could have been, and for what one day will be. If I can experience a surprise pregnancy after so many treatments, losses, and giving completely up, anything is possible. Elsa is who was waiting for me.

    I love you,
    Alesha

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  22. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know completely how you feel. We had a loss last summer when we were just weeks away from starting fertility treatments. After another unsuccessful year of trying we are starting our first IUI cycle this week. Thank you for sharing your experience. Although I didn't email her, Julia's blog was one of the first two I turned to during our experience as well. Yours was one of the first I came to for infertility and it is the hope of a success story like baby Mac that keeps me going. I have no doubt that I am not the only one both you and Julia have provided a sense of comfort and understanding to when those around us who haven't experienced these things cannot possibly understand.

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  23. I am so sorry for your loss. It's something that I know people go through and it is always so incredibly sad, to not know what could have been. There really aren't words other than I'm praying for you and your family.

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  24. I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to go through that and even harder to share it for the world to see. *E-hug*.Allow yourself to feel the whole range of emotions -- you deserve that much.

    Thinking of you.
    Josie

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  25. Sara, I am so sorry you've had to experience this loss. I know you don't think you're strong, but you are--and sharing your story WILL help someone, somewhere along the way. I'll be praying for you and your sweet little family :)

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  26. Thinking of you Sara - you are an amazing mama and lady to share your story. xoxo

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  27. My heart aches for the three of you, but especially you. You did not fail that baby..your body did not fail you or that baby. You're a strong girl for sharing this, I hope with every day it really does get easier. Sending fertile thoughts your way xo

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  28. My heart skipped reading the first line, knowing you were finally writing about this. What a beautiful post, girl. I'm so glad you shared----doesn't it feel so freeing and empowering??

    So many similarities to our losses--due dates in November, an US scheduled on a birthday week. Reading this brought back many more raw emotions I have buried deep down...even WITH my 'rainbow' baby sleeping upstairs right now. You will be forever changed by this, just like you have been after going through infertility. But I have absolutely no doubt you will cross to the other side of your loss and get that baby #2. And until then, your loss may feel really intense at times and your emotions out of control (or that might be permanent, if you are like me;) . But hang in there, mama. You will be getting so many supportive comments here, I just know it.

    And if you want to link to my 'loss' post through my name in your post, go ahead. You know I'm all about making a connection to others going through this CRAP.

    http://julia-transition.blogspot.com/2011/05/loss.html

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  29. I am so sorry Sara. Sending you big hugs. xo

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  30. I'm so sorry, Sara. I know this was probably one of the hardest things to have to do, and it was so brave. I, too, have experienced loss. If you even for a second wonder why you wrote it, just know that you've helped many others feel like they're not so alone through this and maybe a bit more understood than before. And I hope that in time, this will add to your healing process, too. Thank you for being honest.

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  31. Very informative and interesting post.It is really a big help. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
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  32. thank you so much for sharing. i am incredibly sorry for your loss.

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  33. I'm so so sorry for your loss my friend. I'm glad Julia was there for you to talk to and know that we're all here, on your side, and with you through this. ::HUGS::

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  34. thank you so much for sharing this. my heart goes out to you and I wish I had the right/perfect words. just know that I'm sending love your way.

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  35. This is the second time reading your blog recently, that I have been so moved by your writing. Thank you for sharing your story. You've made an impact on more people than you know. :)

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  36. I'm so sorry, Sara. Sending you lots of love, prayers and peace from Kansas. xoxo - Linds

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  37. This sucks and it happened to me around the time of yours. We also had to go through treatments to have our son, and again to get pregnant this time. In April, I had a missed miscarriage and had to wait weeks for something to happen. When it finally did, I ended up in the ER with an emergency surgery. It sucked. Then we got the bill. Oof. All I have to say is, like coming out of the shadows to share your infertility story, you will meet so many women that have been where you are. Life can be so unfair but I hope, like you, I see the reason one day. Hugs to you.

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  38. I am so sorry you had to go through it, but Sara you are incredibly brave to share your story here. It definitely will comfort another person. Sending you hugs!

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  39. This post brought me to tears, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! I just want to give you a hug. Thank you SO much for sharing your experience. My husband and I struggle with getting pregnant as well. It will happen again sweet girl, my prayers are with you and your family!

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  40. What a moving post. I am so sorry for your loss but I think it will mean so much to so many that you shared this. Can't wait until you're sharing happy news again.

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  41. Thank you for your heartfelt and honest post. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  42. Sweet friend, I am sharing in your pain today. I am just so sorry that it had to happen, especially because it doesn't make sense at all. I have a friend that suffered a similar loss and my heart was just in so much pain for her, because like you, she had started to make all the plans. It's just so natural, especially knowing what you're going into the second time around. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send lots of love your way. You're an amazing mama and Mac is so so lucky to have you. And the next child will be too. xoxoxox

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  43. Oh honey, I'm just so sorry. I don't understand why this type of pain exists, but I'm thankful that women like you feel lead to share so that others can be comforted and inspired through your story. That sweet baby will always be a part of you and your family, and it will be a happy day in heaven when you meet your angel face to face! Sending love & hugs to you, friend!

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  44. Oh, girl...I'm sorry I'm late to be reading this as we have been on vacation. But I really feel for you...as a member of the club myself. It hurts so, so much and the pain just hits you at the most random times. You will always feel that way and wonder why, but one day we will get to meet these little babes we never got to meet in this world and I just feel like we will get it then. Carter & I pray every morning on the way to work and every morning I pray for those struggling with this, so just know I'm praying for you and wish you the best of luck. Email me if you need anything!

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  45. Oh Sara, I'm so sorry. Sending you all my strength.

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  46. Oh sweet Sara I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine how hard that must be, I am so glad you were able to reach out to someone who had been through it. Take care and snuggle your precious Mac, xo!

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  47. Tears, tears, tears and hugs, hugs, hugs. I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing, you have such a way with words.

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  48. I haven't been to your blog in some time, but your comment on mine led me back to yours and I couldn't help but comment on this post. I know where you are, I know that feeling all too well. I HATE that it happens so often in this world. I had a miscarriage before we had our Hudson and I, too, was open about it on my blog. I prayed day in and day out, that something good would come of all of our pain and suffering and thankfully, through my blog, I've seen the good amidst such a dark time in my life.

    Not sure if you're interested in reading any of my posts, but here's a link to several of them:
    http://kmanndesigns.com/blog/index.php?s=miscarriage

    It took time. like a lot more time then I ever anticipated. I still think about that sweet baby. The book "heaven is for real" by todd burpo changed my entire outlook on that baby. know that you are (and always will be) a mom to two babies, and God-willing, even more. That little soul is waiting on you! :) have a great day, thank you for sharing your heart.

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  49. I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. While I haven't experienced a loss, I can relate to infertility and that longing and ache to be a parent. Praying for your heart today.

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  50. Sara, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. There are no words. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

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  51. I'm so late reading and commenting on this, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. Like a lot of the other women who commented on this post, I also had a somewhat recent miscarriage (right before my current pregnancy). It's crazy and unfortunate how many people go through this, but it helped me a lot to know how common it is and to talk to friends who went through the same thing and who all eventually had successful pregnancies. One bright side is that maybe the experience will help us be just a little bit more grateful for the babies we do get to meet. Thanks for sharing!

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  52. Oh sweet friend I understand! I hate that this "club" is so big. It's awful in that I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but comforting in a sense that we aren't alone. My prayers are for you tonight and your healing and hope for the future. God knows where your family needs to be. God is holding your sweet angel baby tonight in His arms!

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  53. Oh, Sara, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. Miscarrying is so painful and such a devastating loss. My miscarriage was just under a year ago and I still cry sometimes when I think about it, even though we've been inordinately blessed since then and even though it doesn't hurt the way it used to. You've written about it so beautifully, and this breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss. Here's to healing and comfort for you and your family.

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