Running from the Law: New Mommy Confessions - Part 15

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

New Mommy Confessions - Part 15

It's been a while, but here we go again! 

- I constantly find myself doing things that I always said I would NEVER do as a mother.  My naive judgmental pre-baby self would be horrified.  For example: I let Mac have Oreos before dinner; I stood back and had a glass of wine while he rolled around in the dog water that he just spilled all over the floor at a baby shower; I've begged him to just watch 5 minutes of TV so I can make his dinner (I've also considered duct taping him to the floor); I once put him in a giant box just so he'd stay still for a few minutes; I let him pull all the toys off the shelves at Target and play with them in the middle of the aisle while I responded to a work email; I've been known to sing "The Wheels on the Bus" at the top of my lungs, complete with animal noises and corresponding actions in front of random strangers to prevent a meltdown.

- Mac's birthday party was now over two months ago and I have yet to send out thank you cards.  I am the worst.  I had grand intentions of sending everyone a card with a photo from the party (either of Mac or their own kid).  Ha!  I haven't even bought cards yet, so I'm not confident in my abilities to get my shit together enough to pull that off.  And don't even think about leaving me a comment that you don't need a thank you card if you gave us a gift.  Shut up, you're getting a fucking thank you card.  It just might not be until November.  

- Mac is still not consistently sleeping through the night.  WHY?!!  He is getting better though.  However, when he does end up sleeping straight through, he wakes up at like 5:30 a.m.  FIVE THIRTY!!!!  I think I'd rather not sleep at night than get up that damn early.

- Does leaving the house with a toddler ever get easier?  I love taking Mac to visit friends/family, but I easily forget that not everyone has a baby and a house that's fully baby-proofed.  Inevitably he will find anything breakable under 3 feet high, every uncovered outlet, every sharp corner, every crumb or dried-up (months/years old) piece of food on the floor and anything that can be dumped or spilled within 2 seconds.  It's absolutely exhausting trying to constantly redirect his attention to something less dangerous (boring) and impossible to even attempt to always stay one step ahead of him.  On the plus side, I'm thinking about renting him out to soon-to-be-parents so they can figure out what they need to do to baby-proof before their baby arrives.  It's about time he started earning his keep anyway.

- Mac has started sleeping with a stuffed puppy and it's the cutest darn thing that's ever happened in the history of the whole wide world.  When it's time for bed, I hand him that little black and white puppy and he smiles and wraps his arms around it so tight and snuggles his face in it.  And then my heart explodes and I die.  

- I do not understand "kid-speak" at all.  I kinda understand what Mac's saying (mainly because he just repeats what we say), but I cannot for the life of me seem to understand what anyone else's kid is saying.  One of the neighborhood kids was "talking" to me the other day and our conversation went like this:
Me:    Hi (insert kid's name here).
Kid:    Blah blah blah baa aaaa babbaaa a abbba  
Me (looking at the kid's mom):    What did she say?
Mom:    She said she likes your necklace.
Me (to kid):    Oh, thank you. Do you like to wear jewelry?
Kid:    Yayayaya ayaya ayayaya ayayaya 
Me (to mom):    What did she say?
Mom:    She said that mommy only lets her wear it when they play dress up.
Me:    Oh. Do you like to play dress up?
Kid:    Mmahsy ywyyw ama sysbka a qmlkdjao alslakj aokna
Me (to mom):    What?????
And then the mom rolls her eyes at me and tells me to stop talking to her child.  Not really, but kinda.  I am a child linguistics failure.

Your turn!  
Fess up!

Catch up on the rest of the New Mommy Confessions series:


  1. hahaha! I love all of this!

    1. I've definitely allowed Elyse to watch more TV than I planned...but if that dang Mickey Mouse Clubhouse can prevent a melt down before dinner or before leaving for the day...bring on the Hotdog Dance!

    2. I didn't send out thank you notes...feeling ashamed.

    3. We have resorted to quick eat-out places...i.e. Qdoba, McAlisters, Chick-fil-A--or eating at home, dining out is ridiculous and going to non-parents' homes for a social gathering is simply out of the question.

    4. Ughh...just the mental image of Mac with the puppy makes my heart swell!

    5. If I wasn't in the same room as my dad who's talking on the phone trying to conduct business--your last point would have had me rolling in the floor! I certainly like to THINK I understand Elyse, but let's be honest...I make up most of what I think she's saying, and forget all the other kids her age!

  2. How did I lose your blog link for so very very long?!?! Mac is just the cutest.

    1. I let Jack eat dog food while I do laundry (the dishes are in the laundry room). It entertains him, is relatively harmless and at least I buy the organic shizz for our insane boston terrier with food allergies.
    2. I still haven't sent out thank you notes from Charlie's baptism. And yesterday I threw away the list of gifts that people gave us. They are all family, so I hope they don't hate us too much.
    3. I often drink a bottle of beer while feeding the baby his bottle at bed time. Mommy double fisting.
    4. I was at a baby shower this weekend where the mommy to be was gifted scent-free dish soap to wash bottles so that her new baby wouldn't be drinking citrus soap flavored milk. The thought never crossed my mind. Both of my boys are healthy and the grapefruit scented stuff is cheaper.
    5. Jack played with a box of condoms this morning while I was showering. He was quiet, entertained and stayed still for a whole 10 minutes. Mom of the freakin' year.


  3. Love the "Can't understand baby gab". Totally me. I'm doing good if I can even make out my own daughter's gab, let alone anyone else's kid. And forget about it if I've had wine. She may as well be speaking clingon. I remember before I had kids, the very thought of having to talk to one scared the shit out of me. What do I say? What does it want to hear? LOL. My before kid self would be so proud of me now. :-)

  4. I totally turn on Spongebob at night just so I can cook dinner. No shame in my game. Also, we totally spend like hours in the toy section at Target now. Toys are fun. ;)

  5. Oh goodness! No sleeping through the night? Actually, I'd so rather get up at 5:30! C is starting to get up earlier though when he has a good night of rest. But 6:30am. Counting my blessings so far. But, the night terror have started, I think. Woke up around 11 the other night screaming like I've never heard before and inconsolable for a good hour. That was rough!

    I stick C in the jumparoo thing and turn on the TV (doesn't matter what's on) so he'll be still while I get dinner ready - his or ours, doesn't matter.

    I let the dog lick his face and hands and then don't care when he immediately sticks hands in mouth. I'm sure that would disgust a lot of people. I call it how we build up our immune system.

    I complained to my husband yesterday that I hate the baby gate at the bottom of our stairs because it looks ugly. When told it was for the safety of our child, I just replied - well, it's ugly and I can't stand it.

  6. I have so many confessions, I could load up your entire comment wall with all of them.... Love this :-)

  7. Great list! I will offer Blaire any snack she wants to keep her in the grocery cart or stroller while I'm shopping. Mom's cell phone - sure, why not? Just SIT DOWN PLEASE. Sometimes a swim in the pool is deemed an acceptable substitute for a bath. I swore my kid would be a great eater. HA. Blaire eats almost no vegetables. I offer them to her continually and she ignores them or throws them off her plate. (Only sometimes at me. Progress?) Wish I could go back and tell my smug no-child self that you cannot make a kid eat anything they don't want no matter what kinds of foods you expose them to and offer them.

  8. Too funny!! I've pretty much done all of these and I totally agree with you on taking a toddler to someone else's house that isn't child proof! It is completely exhausting.

  9. I don't get kid language at all.

    And I think wrangling your kid to make dinner sounds perfectly acceptable to me. How else are you going to get things done?!

  10. This is awesome!!
    1. My babe watches numerous episodes of Noggin just so I can make dinner...with a beer.
    2. My pre-baby self swore I would NEVER use disposable diapers. I use them more than I use the cloth diapers I have. They're just easier.
    3. Sometimes I'll hear the baby get up when I do but if she's just playing I'll leave her in there so I can get ready in peace.
    4. Sometimes bath night can seem like too much, so we'll go an extra day without a bath. Oops.
    5. I talk baby talk to my baby even though I HATE when other people do it. It makes her smile so whatever.
    6. I haven't written thank you notes for gifts given right after we had the baby. It's been 10 months. Eeek.

  11. I give the girls snack cups in the car for their morning snack. Lana, being 15 months, usually gets her puffs and goldfish everywhere. Not only do I not try to keep her car seat clean of the dropped goldfish by throwing them out when I see them, I actually leave them there on purpose... And when she fusses about getting in the car when I *don't* have a snack cup for her, I just dig down in her seat and hand her some god-knows-how-old goldfish to munch on. Calms her right down.

  12. I Love your confessions.... your too funny! They always make for a good laugh and there is always something I can relate to:)

  13. Um, I'm glad you're determined to still get those thank you notes out. It inspires me to maybe not give up on getting Quinn's baby shower thank you's out. Sure, it's been five months, but better late than never, right? :)

  14. bahahahahahah. dead over the kid speak thing.

  15. So funny! I will only go to people's houses where they have young kids for Max to play with all their toys. I also am known to carry around outlet covers lol.

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  17. i have said the EXACT.SAME.THING about renting out the girls although i think it will scare my friends into never having kids of their own...which would totally backfire on my intention!!!

    kid speak is going so great over here (insert sarcasm face)...we just say that CC can speak Mandarin ;)

  18. Renting Mac out is sheer genius. That kid needs to earn you money so you can come visit me and then I will hold you hostage until Ryan gets sick of being a single father and sends Mac to us and then we will live happily in England with all the dogs.

    Or, something less creepy.

    I miss you guys!!!

  19. I'm always surprised at the things I let my toddler do that I never thought I'd permit. Sometimes you've just got to keep them occupied!

    My daughter just started sleeping with a stuffed animal too - Winnie the Pooh. It's adorable how attached she is now.

  20. Soo I'm only 4.5 weeks into this motherhood thing but I swore up and down I would never be one of those parents that talks about their kids bowel movements yet I find myself telling all my friends all about newborn baby poop constantly. I have a feeling I will have so many more to add to this list as the months go on.

  21. Yes. I love these. Love when moms have that light bulb moment that they've turned into a mom they used to loathe. (not really that bad, but still) Ah, good times. ;)

  22. I was cracking up reading this...I don't have any crazy stories yet, but I'm sure I will before I know it...

  23. These are my favorite posts! Dude. Getting out with toddlers is HARD. I don't know what I thought was so difficult about getting out with an immobile babe ;) I took J to her great-grandparents house today, and she basically ransacked the place. And don't even get me started on the shit-show that is taking her to the grocery store...basically it involves a lot of snack shoving and sweating (on my part).

  24. 1. Madeline has started talking in sentences and half the time, I don't understand a thing she's saying. And forget about it if I've had wine. She may as well be speaking Klingon. I remember before I had a kid, the very thought of having to talk to a baby or toddler scared the ever-living shit out of me; "What do I say? What does it want to hear? How do I relate?" LOL. Now, I just start talking and jump right on in. My pre-baby self would be very proud of me.

    2. We are still feeding Maddy the Gerber Lil Entrees Meals... at age two. How long can a parent get away with those I wonder? Ok, here's the deal - I can cook and I usually do cook, but most of the things I know how to cook are meals for adults that are probably not suited for a toddler's belly. The thought of having to plan meals and know what to cook for my daughter EVERY. NIGHT. OF. THE. WEEK. scares the hell out of me. It's just so easy to pop open one of those pre-made meals that are the perfect portion size and that have everything she needs nutrionally than for me to have to figure it out. I know, I know...I'm going to have to cut the cord soon. But I don't wanna. Booooooo.

    3. I let Maddy play with my un-used tampons. She likes to grab the string and twirl them over her head like a helicopter and it keeps her occupied and quiet for quite a while. Mom of the Year right here, folks.

    4. My pre-baby, thought she knew everything, upidty, jackass self swore up and down that my kid wouldn't watch a lot of TV - that she would find other avenues to keep herself occupied. Uh huh. I think we all know how that turned out.

    5. Maddy has gone a full week without getting a bath. What?! She doesn't have mature sweat glands yet.


  25. Ha! I love all of these!! So good! And so many of them are true for me too! I am scared of the day that E walks b/c I know it will be over. Like really over. Oy!

  26. Sara - Have you thought of turning this mommy confessions series into a link up? Several of the blogs I follow have done something similar to this and it might be kinda fun if like once a month or so it was a mom-blogger link up! I'd be happy to help organize (i've never done it but it sounds fun) if you're interested!

    ps the only thing Callie says that I understand is cat... but everything is cat... so yeah she speaks jibberish to me :)