Running from the Law: New Mommy Confessions - Part 10

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

New Mommy Confessions - Part 10


I have a treat for you guys today!  My best friend from law school, Claire, is my guest poster today.  She is mom to FOUR of the most adorable, spirited, wonderful children I've ever met.  You've seen her oldest two kids (Gus and CeCe) on the blog for years now (here, here, here, here, here and here), but you finally get to hear from her directly.  She is my mommy-idol.  I'm not kidding, she's that good at being a mom!  She somehow manages to feed and clothe and keep four  children alive while maintaining her sense of humor and making it all look easy.  She's a mommy-goddess.  She's the very first person I go to with any question I have about anything baby-related.  She's been there, done that and always has an answer that is practical and makes sense.  She has a way of always making me feel like I'm doing a good job and never lets me forget how awesome being a mom is, even when it's really really hard.  Plus, she absolutely cracks me up.  She kindly offered to be a part of this New Mommy Confessions series and you are going to love this post!



Hi!  I’m Claire and I am a part-time lawyer and full-time mama to four beautiful babies.

   For reasons that may become obvious below, I am not blogger and have never actually written anything before that other people may actually read (other than legal documents, which, of course, don’t count).  So, I am nervous.  Be kind.

Gus was born on April 7, 2008.  His sister CeCe was born a mere ten months and three weeks later on March 3, 2009.   And, then on April 2, 2012, our family was blessed with a set of twins:  George (boy) and Charlie (girl). 

For all of you tired mamas reading this blog, let me do the math for you.  For a brief five days in April of this year, I was the mama of FOUR under FOUR.  So, as I write this, Gus is 4 ½, CeCe is 3 ½ and George and Charlie are almost 8 months old.  Gus and CeCe are affectionately, if not a little ironically, referred to as the “Bigs” and George and Charlie are known as the “Smalls.” 

Got it? 

Ok, take a Xanex or do a shot because here’s the down and dirty from a mother of four under four. 

  1. I have fallen asleep in the shower.
  2. Sometimes I make myself cry because it makes the Bigs do what I want.
  3. While I am always less than an arm’s length away, I put the Smalls on the counter in Bumbos. 
  4. I let the Bigs and the Smalls eat chocolate chip cookie dough because my mom never let me.
  5. I can’t remember CeCe’s first word. 
  6. The Bigs cuss like truck drivers and I a) don’t stop cussing and b) laugh every single time.
  7. My body is trashed.  I mean trashed.  (For example, the Bigs were caught arguing whether or not CeCe has "boobies."  The final consensus was no because "they were not long and saggy down to your belly button."  Note to self: put on clothes and get a professional bra fitting.)
  8. I have bribed the Bigs with sugar to feed the Smalls bottles so I could check Facebook.
  9. I haven’t really liked my husband since 2008.
  10. I have peed in an old Starbucks cup in the carpool line waiting to pick up the Bigs from preschool because I was too lazy to get the Smalls out of the car. And wiped with a diaper.
  11. It is nearly impossible to leave the house with all four kids.  And on the rare occasions I do, I am sweating, pulling a toddler off the toy shelf, propping a bottle up with a roll of paper towels or box of macaroni and cheese, changing a poopy diaper in the cart and retrieving soon to be stolen candy from another toddler’s pants (which I obviously put back on the shelf) all the while, praying the Bigs don’t comment (loudly) on the size of the lady’s ass in front of me.  
And still, it never ceases to amaze me the things people say.  So, consider this fair warning...the next time a total stranger says:  

·         Don’t you know how that happens? (OMG, of course, I know how humans make babies.)
·         Are they twins?  (Really, are there any other possibilities?)
·       Boy and Girl? So, are they identical?  (Um, No.  The boy has a penis and the girl has a vagina.)
·       Any variation of:  Wow.  I wouldn’t want to be you.  Or, I sure wouldn’t trade you places.  (Do you have Asbergers?  Tourettes?) 

...I AM GOING TO PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE.

Because here’s the thing:  Sure, I am fat, rocking the wicked balding/broken/finger-in-a-light-socket post-partum hair, and have been wearing the same underwear for three days...but I wouldn’t trade one second of the last four and a half years for anything.  If I could freeze time, I would.  I wonder every day what I did to deserve the four most beautiful, smart, funny and kind children in entire world.  Each one of them impresses me and humbles me every single day.  I am forever grateful to each of them for making me a better person. 

So, listen Grumpy-Old-Lady-Grocery-Store-Bagger, you go on bagging my 9 gallons of milk, my economy size box of Fruit Snacks, my 15 cans of baby formula, 600 diapers and 2,000 diapers wipes with your broken nose.  Meanwhile, I'll wipe the vomit off of my debit card onto my shirt and cross my fingers there is enough cash in my bank account, because what you don’t know is this:  if you had the privilege of feeling the four bright lights inside my soul burning brighter and stronger each day, you would do ANYTHING to be me.  ANYTHING.  You would trade me places in a heartbeat.  I promise.    




Catch up on the rest of the New Mommy Confessions series:


21 comments:

  1. bigs and smalls, love it! Super funny and heartwarming all rolled into one.

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  2. oh my gosh! if i could roll on the floor laughing in my office and not be looked at like I'm a crazy person...I totally would! And when I got done laughing I would stand up and applaud your precious friend for being such an awesome mom!

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  3. Hilarious. I def. think Claire needs to start a blog (not that there is any time) but that was fun to read. I loved it all!

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  4. This is the best mommy confession yet! I want to be best friends with both of you! haha and I agree Claire needs a blog

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  5. Oh i loved that one!!! Great writing :)

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  6. Lol!! Love this post!! Shen needs to start a blog - for real.

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  7. Ok SHE is hysterical! Love it, and totally respect ANYONE who can survive four kids, much less four SMALLS! :)

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  8. From a mom of twins-you are hilarious!!

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  9. Ha! I love number 2...Hilarious!

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  10. Hysterical! Thanks for sharing!

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  11. Another great installment of New Mom Confessions! Claire is a riot. And my hero. How anyone can manage to be a part-time anything with four children is beyond my understanding. That she can be a part-time lawyer and full time mom to four - she's super woman!

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  12. love this mama -- SO FUNNY and I'm completely jealous of her ability to handle four kiddos!!!!

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  13. Hilarious! I see why she is your best friend!

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  14. Get this lady a blog!! And maybe an extra few hours in the day to write it. ;)

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  15. I love you, Claire. And your kids. And your hubs.

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  16. This post has me cracking up. Thanks!

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  17. Claire, you aren't just Sara's mom idol :)

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