Running from the Law: New Mommy Confessions - Part 7

Thursday, December 6, 2012

New Mommy Confessions - Part 7

Can we get serious for a minute?  When I asked my favorite new mom bloggers for material for this New Mommy Confessions series I was fully expecting to receive funny lighthearted confessions, but I was absolutely thrilled to get some serious ones too.  Ones that really made me think and ones that really struck a chord with some deep emotions.  This whole Mommy gig is tough.  And it's hard sometimes being a blogger and putting it out there for the world to read - especially when people can be so cruel and judgmental.    But being a blogger also means that we can share our experiences with others who are going through similar situations.  I can't tell you how many times I've read something on a blog that made me break down in tears because I thought I was the only one going through that experience or dealing with those feelings - especially when we were trying desperately to get pregnant.  Blogging is a way to connect, to share, to walk in someone else's footsteps.  It's amazing.  

That's why I am so happy so be able to share some slightly more serious confessions with you today.  Because I know these ladies are not alone in their feelings/experiences.  And if you're going through some of these things, I hope you reach out to them and share your story.  I know full well how important it is to not feel alone in your struggles.  I hope these confessions do just that.

A few days ago, when I arrived at Avery's daycare to pick her up after work, I found her holding court with three baby boys. She was "screaming" at them and waving her arms up and down while they grinned goofily at her. And then, I had an out-of-body experience. Life fast-forwarded approximately sixteen years right before my very eyes, and I instantly saw teenager Avery (albeit a blushing, demure teenager Avery because that's what her mama pretends she will be instead of an outgoing, flirtatious teenager Avery) entertaining the advances of a bevy of boyfriends. For a few seconds, this new mama freaked. Freaked the heck out. And, then I came back to earth and realized my sweet baby girl is not even eight months old. We have a ways to go. I should stop being a crazy person.

The fact is, it's hard to be present, in the moment, when you have this little life rapidly evolving and advancing before your very eyes each and every day. It's easy to become enraptured with the future. Babies change so very quickly, you know? I often find myself wondering if her hair will be curly, or if she'll be left-handed. Will she take dance classes like her mommy, or will she play soccer like her daddy? Will she loves books as much as her parents do? And then... Where will she go to college? Will she study abroad?? Who will she marry??

My confession is this: I have to remind myself quite often to slow down and not wish it all away. So, when I feel like she's growing up too fast, I do something slightly insane like listen to her delicate, rhythmic breathing on the baby monitor. Or, I cry tears into her bathwater.

Thank God wine exists.

My husband said something quite profound to me immediately after I had Aves: "I've never felt so mortal in my life." These stupid decisions that we make, these feelings of invincibility...they are long gone. There's no more climbing on too-tall ladders, there's too much anxiety driving home in the wee hours of the morning. After becoming parents for the first time, we quickly realized that taking care of the babe is our number one priority, but taking care of ourselves is a quick second. Although I often battle with my proclivity to jump ahead to the future, this unknown expanse of time does demand a certain amount of attention. My mission is to stick around. To be here for Avery.

About a month ago, I felt a lump in my breast. I noticed it at work, right before my sophomores walked in after lunch. I couldn't get it together for our grammar lesson; a sea of overreactions washed over me. I had to leave my classroom. I couldn't breathe. I went into a restroom stall and broke down. The only thing I could think of was Avery. She's got to have her mama in her life.

I made an appointment with my doctor that very day. There's no more putting off odd symptoms or chronic aches and pains. I was able to get in to see him in a week. That same day, just to be sure, he sent me to have a mammogram and an ultrasound. My results were fine. And, just like that, my panic was remedied. It was probably a cyst.

I knew that I had let my imagination run away from me, but I wasn't ashamed.

After all, teenager Avery might need me after one of those grown-up baby boys breaks her heart, and I've got to be there to mend the pieces. 

Jenn from Muzzily Muddled

My confession is that I almost hated being a mom for the first few weeks.  I didn't actually hate it.   But I was close to hating it.  I loved my little boy.  But I didn't love being a mom.  

First, I was having serious culture shock.  I felt like I lost my identity, that I was no longer myself.  That feeling faded a little bit each day, and I know now that I am definitely still me, but better, because my son makes me better, and being a mom makes me better.  

Second, I was struggling with a lot of guilt over that culture shock.  As someone who spent over two years trying to get pregnant, including five IUI cycles and two IVF cycles, I felt like I should be thrilled down to my toes to be a mom.  The fact that I wasn't thrilled lead me to be wracked with guilt.  How could we possibly have gone through everything that we did and me be anything but giddy with glee?  I know full well how many women out there would have traded places with me in a heartbeat.  So I beat myself up over the feelings I was having, and that made the culture shock that much harder to cope with.  

Finally, I was in pain.  PAIN.  But I refused to acknowledge how bad it was, mostly out of stubbornness.  I was 100% on board with breastfeeding.  But it hurt SO much every time little J wanted to nurse.  Since he always wanted to nurse, it always hurt.  After several visits with lactation consultants and a wonderful doctor, I learned that not only did J have tongue tie and lip tie, but I have a medical condition that causes severe pain at the nipple.  No wonder I was sobbing most nights when all he wanted to do was nurse instead of go to bed!  Thankfully, we got the care we needed and I was eventually able to nurse him without pain.

Looking back, I think it's no wonder I wasn't very happy as a new mom.  But it got better every day.  The culture shock faded, the guilt subsided, the pain mostly went away.  Everything became sunshine and roses.  Well, sunshine, roses, and poop.  He is a baby, after all.  But he's my baby, and I can finally say that I absolutely LOVE being a mom!!

JGT (friend of mine who wanted to share a confession)

My second child is HARD. On the good days, I love her so fiercely, I think because I know every smile is so hard-won. But on the bad days.... Deep down inside, I wish I had never had her. I know that's blasphemous, and I only admit it here because it's not my blog and she'll never read it nor will anyone else in her life. But I look at my shiny sweet two-year-old, and my screaming, impossible, perpetually awake six-month-old, and I think how much better life would be if we hadn't decided to have another child. 

I know it will get better, and I do my absolute best to treat her with love and tenderness despite how I feel, and I admit there's probably a touch of post-partum depression mixed in there too. But I say this for anyone else who has felt this way. It's okay. You CAN feel this way and go on to have a wonderful, rich, loving, and fulfilling relationship with your child. People do it all the time - more frequently than you'd ever expect.

Catch up on the rest of the New Mommy Confessions series:


  1. thanks for these. it's a good reminder that parenthood is far from easy, but that there far-from-perfect feelings don't mean that you're a horrible parent and that you're the only one that feels this way.

  2. Such wonderful and thought provoking confessions in this batch. Cheers to all of you.

  3. Thank you Jenn!! I felt exactly the same way. Luckily once I started working a few hours /week I started feeling like myself again. Glad to know I'm not alone.

  4. Wow, I LOVE this post.

    The mommyhood stories I've read online tend to fall into two categories: the ooey-gooey sweet "my baby is the sweetest angel on earth" group, or the hilarious blooper-filled "my kid peed in my face again" group. It's not often that you see an honest reflection of the sad/ regretful feelings some moms face. Even though I'm a few steps behind you women (going through fertility issues of my own), I can empathize with the feeling that sometimes you just can't control your thoughts and emotions. I particularly appreciate JGT's post because I'd bet EVERY parent has had the same thoughts at some point throughout child-rearing, whether they admitted it or not.

  5. Wow! Wow!
    I love these posts!
    Eye opening and honest.

    Mom-to-be (days away) and relishing in the insight and perspective.


  6. these are beautiful...i love the honesty of these. So many of us have these feelings or something similar and many times I feel like a bad momma for even thinking them. But I'm not a bad momma, and it's completely normal...thanks for including these confessions!

  7. Wow I love these. The honesty is so real and just makes your feel better knowing that other people feel this way. Again bookmarking for when I have a baby and need to feel better :)

  8. Just beautiful, every single one of these. Cheers to you all, beautiful ladies and your beautiful babes xoxo

  9. Tears in the bathwater. Yes. Love that.

  10. Oh Jenn. I feel you. Those first few weeks were just so hard and overwhelming. My dear friend is about to have her first and I keep wanting to say, "You may freak out and secretly hate it a little at first, but that will fade really fast, I promise!" but I figure I don't need to freak her out in advance. I'll just be there to commiserate when she goes through it.

  11. I love these serious ones! Being a mom is HARD!

  12. I can't applaud you enough for featuring these amazing mamas today. I love the funny ones but the serious ones really hit home. It's so nice to hear about the raw feelings of stressed out mothers. Yes, we are thankful for our little babies, but it doesn't make us bad people to feel like we hate the work of being a mama sometimes. That's life!

  13. I love the honesty of these posts. Mommyhood is not always hearts and rainbows, it can be very hard and at times seems like the hardest thing in your life. The best part of hearing these stories is to know that we are not alone. Now if I can get my shit together and write down my own confession...