Running from the Law: New Mommy Confessions - Part 3

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

New Mommy Confessions - Part 3

  • I absolutely HATE it when you ask a mom how old her kid is and she says something like "Oh, she's 47 weeks old."  WTF?!  How old is 47 weeks?  I mean, it sounds like a lot of weeks.  Is she driving yet?  Is it even a year?  Hell, I don't know.  First of all, how many weeks are in a year?  Four weeks in a month times some other days...carry the one.  Ugh.  I always have to pause and think about this, leading to an awkward gap in conversation while I mentally count on my fingers and toes.  Please don't make me do math!  This just makes me feel incredibly dumb and plain sorry I even asked.  I don't even really care how old your stupid kid is, I was just asking to be polite.  For the love of all things holy, just give me an easy answer!  "Well, she's almost a year."  Cool!  Thank you!  Can we, as moms, put an end to this nonsense?  Let's say after 12 weeks we start going by months.  And then after 16 months, we start going by years.  Deal?

  • Well, I still haven't lost the baby weight.  Like any of it.  Actually, I may be gaining again.  Just throwing that out there to make you feel better about yourself.  You're welcome.

  • Remember way back when I first announced that I was pregnant and told you that I'd still have non-baby related material on this blog?  I lied.  But I didn't mean to!  I just never realized that my life would be SO consumed with all things baby.  I figured I'd still have a little "me time" here and there, but I guess not.  I've been racking my brain for material for a non-baby post but I got NOTHING.  My life has been taken over!  I have done nothing blog-worthy without the munchkin in the past six months.  I haven't been anywhere, done anything, made anything, bought anything, seen anything or even eaten anything worthy of sharing.  I'm tempted to apologize, but I don't really care.  I love that everything is different and everything is baby.  He's my WHOLE life.  I'm ok with that.  I guess that officially makes me a mommy-blogger...welcome to my life.

  • Last week Mac FINALLY slept through the night. Once.  Hallelujah!  Cue the choirs!  One glorious night of sleeping EIGHT WHOLE HOURS.  However, neither Ryan nor I actually managed to get a full night's sleep that night because we were both so shocked that he was still sleeping that we each checked on him repeatedly throughout the night to make sure he was still alive. Fail.

  • The Elf on the Shelf is fucking creepy.  I'm not crazy brave enough to actually have an Elf, but I have  nightmares about the Elf murdering me in my sleep just from seeing other people's Elf pictures.  He's in the pantry eating the food, he's playing with the kid's toys, he's hiding in the bathroom with a razor blade just waiting for me to come in there in the middle of the night.  Please stop!

  • Babies do not respect hangovers.  They don't care that mommy's head hurts way bad.  So.Rude.

  • I took Mac to get his holiday pictures taken at our photographer's studio.  She had a little bed set up with Christmas lights on it and Mac would NOT stop sucking/chewing on the Christmas lights.  She kept asking me if that was okay (because there's real electricity running through them) and I was like, "Oh yeah, sure, he's totally fine."  She got a couple really cute photos, one of which was Mac's entire mouth open and lit up by all the Christmas lights that he'd stuffed in there.  Only when she mentioned that she probably wasn't going to put that one on her blog for fear that child services would be called did I realize that it probably wasn't a good idea to let him have his way with the lights.  Oops!  All in the name of a good photo.

  • I told my husband that we got rid of all the Halloween candy, but I have a secret stash of candy that he doesn't know about.  Well I did, until last night when I ate it all at 2:00 a.m. when I was up with the baby.  What is it about a crying baby that makes me need to eat 19 mini Twix bars?

  • I'd ALMOST go back to breastfeeding the baby just for the breast milk poop.  Formula baby poop is the most godawful hideous fowl smelly shit EVER.  Heaven help me when he starts eating food for real.

  • I was outside with Mac the other day and started singing to him.  Suddenly, I have this hallucination that all the woodland creatures came out from hiding to sing and dance with us, Disney princess style.  I was twirling around in a dress and the birds came down and sat on my shoulder before tying my hair up with a bow...and the squirrels brought Mac gifts of acorns and nuts...and the rabbits brought us flowers and snuggled up in Mac's lap.  I REALLY NEED MORE SLEEP.

New Mommy Confessions:


  1. omg omg you said the elf is in the panty eating food and I snorted my soda and can't stop giggling

  2. It's crazy, isn't it.
    With Eva as baby, people asked her age, and I knew the answer. When people ask about Elsa, I stare blankly. for.a.long.time.
    You have certainly managed to take the sweetest pics ever of Mac. I've never managed to get that accomplished on a regular basis.
    Being a hungover mommy is the WORST. I've had to call in back-up a few times over the last 9 years and puked on a few occasions after having to change one of those foul diapers.
    Your blog is so much fun - even if only interesting to crazed moms.
    Happy Thanksgiving

  3. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! Your posts may be all baby, but they are hilarious, and you may just be the ONLY mommy blogger out there who doesn't make me feel like a completely inadequate 30 year old for NOT having a baby! So refreshing to be reminded that those things poop...not just coo and look sweet! Now if only I could get work to respect a hangover...

  4. i love that you hid the stash of leftover halloween candy from your husband. you are pretty much awesome.

    i fear poo.

  5. Im seriously dying over here! AMAAZINGGGG

    Formula pop is pretty much the grossest thing ever, and 47 weeks is not necessary I cant even remember if mine is 13 or 14 weeks

  6. Yes, yes, and yes! To all of the above.

    Elf on the Shelf is just creepy. Who the hell decided lying to your kids about Santa and having that be reason enough to behave was insufficient? Instead we need an elf that gets into mischief? And this poorly behaved elf is supposed to make my kid behave better? STOP THE INSANITY. And the creepy pictures.

    I swear I used to hallucinate in the middle of the night when I'd get up with Blaire. All of a sudden I'd realize that whatever it is I thought was going on was bat shit crazy and I'd imagined it all. Used to scary the crap out of me.

    And you're not the only mom with nothing to talk about but your kid. Our brains only have so much room. Ours are all filled up with law bullshit and baby. There's no reoom for anything else. At least not on that little sleep! And at least you're blogging about him. I'm not blogging about anything. It's radio silence over at my little corner of the internet.

    Thanks for a big laugh this morning. Love your new mommy confessions.

  7. 1. Elf in the panty instead of pantry is just plain wrong ;)
    2. when you mentioned breast milk poop, as someone without a baby and who has never breast fed, I thought it was going to be about your BMs, not his :)

  8. I agree on the weird weeks/months thing. Just say it in a regular person.

  9. PANTRY!! PANTRY!! SORRY!! My mind is in the perpetual gutter these days. :)

  10. Law, I am baby-brained too. It is bad. And hangovers? AHHHHH why are they soooo bad with a baby?

  11. Love this! I totally don't get the Elf on a Shelf thing either. When we were kids, my parents just told me Santa was always watching. Why do we need a physical manifestation of that? Don't understand it at all.

  12. This is hilarious. So true about the Elf.

  13. A. Ahem, brat, I came to visit, you could blog about THAT. Or Mally. Mally is feeling neglected, she told me

    B. I'm so glad you haven't become an Elf on The Shelf crazy. You know that would ruin our friendship forever.

    C. I'm pretty excited for Mac's Christmas picture--he's the most popular kid on my fridge :)

  14. OMG OMG OMG I am rolling on the floor! You are amazing and I love you!! xoxoxoxoox

  15. So glad Mac slept for you!! YAAYYY may your good luck continue my friend :D
    PS - Elf on a Shelf IS freaking creepy.

  16. So funny and so true. Pretty much all of it made me feel better because it makes me feel like I am not alone in my frustrations etc. Hope Mac sleeps well tonight!

  17. Sometimes reading your posts make me feel like I could actually be a mom. I just had to put that out there. Because it's so nice to read someone who adores their kid, but doesn't lose their sense of humor/perspective.

  18. seriously, these make me laugh out loud every single time! I'm still nursing Elyse but she's got some serious "real food" poop going on...ughh! gross!

    & I'm with you on the sleeping at night thing...we (or I should say I, because Nick sleeps through almost anything) are almost to the point of having some amazing nights of sleep because Elyse has been sleeping from 7:30-7 for the last 5 nights! yippee!

  19. OMG! All I have to say is ditto to ALL of that. Never thought my blog would be all baby, being up all night-same here, definitly gaining instead of losing (my excuse is that I need the calories to breastfeed) and ugh, the poop sucks. I would take 5 poopy breastfed diapers a day over the ONE stanky solid food diaper-barf! But I gladly change them every day with my su-wee face to make my girl laugh. :-)

  20. That first one cracked me up! My husband's cousins's wife, who we are not a big fan of, tried telling us that her baby (2nd baby too) was "40 weeks old, or 10 months old."... she actually had just turned 9 months! Crazy lady! ... and I think non baby brain comes back after baby 2 for some reason...

  21. You are too funny. If we lived near each other I'd want to be your BFF. Sorry, that sounds totally creepy.

  22. These are my FAVORITE posts.

    Formula poo is the NASTIEST smelling poo ever. Oh my gosh. This is why I'm trying so hard to back to exclusive breast feeding...not really, but it'll be a nice perk haha!

    And the week thing - I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is so irritated by this!

  23. God you absolutely crack me up! And I am SO scared for the formula poops...I'm thinking they're right around the corner...

  24. I'm so impressed that you are even finding time to blog! My creative energy has completely left the building. And my almost 4 yr old totally doesn't trust our Elf on the Shelf, it's pretty funny. And I have to admit that I hide candy makes me feel thinner to pretend like its all gone, and then go to my stash and privately stuff my face!

  25. New follower and new mommy (Nov 15). This post cracks me up! The question of how old they are is one I hate already and mine is only 4 weeks-ha! Elf on the shelf, super creepy! Non-breastfed poop is scaring me now :(