Running from the Law: Adjusting

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Adjusting

Since Mim's joined our family, the two most frequent questions I get asked have been: (1) How's Mim? and (2) How's Mac handling things?  My answer has usually been the same: (1) Great! and (2) Not so great.    
As with any major life change, this is taking a bit of time for us all to adjust.  However, toddlers are notorious for not handling change well, whether that's a big change to family dynamics or a little change like his high chair not being in the exact right spot in the kitchen.  Any change can lead to unexpected tantrums, outbursts and fits.  Oh, this is a tough age.  And really, I do think that's what the biggest problem is - the mere fact that Mac is TWO and that's a very difficult time for kids as they're trying to assert their independence and test all the limits.  For a 2 year old, I think he's handling the situation remarkably well and doing all the things a normal (wild and active) two year old would do.  If we'd had Mim 6 months ago or 6 months from now, I think Mac would probably be handing the situation much differently, but it is what it is.  They're not called the terrible twos for nothing.  (Not to say that he's terrible - he's actually incredibly wonderful - it's just a tough age.)  
For the most part, Mac's not very interested in his little sister.  And I think that's a good thing.  Maybe because he's a boy and doesn't seem to have that "nurturing" quality that little girls have at this age, but he doesn't really want much to do with Mim.  He's not begging to hold her, which could lead to him dropping her.  He's not trying to feed her french fries or play dough.  He's not interested in touching her with his dirty germy hands.  In my opinion, these are all good things as he's probably the biggest threat to her safety right now.  We've slowly been trying to encourage safe interactions with her, but we're definitely not pressuring him to be super involved.  We're giving him time and space for him to come to terms with her on his own.  I think that's the right move.  He's so wild and independent, there's really no forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to.  We certainly don't want him to resent her or see her as a threat, so we're letting him keep his distance, if that's what he's comfortable with.  I'm sure he'll come around soon, once she's a little more interactive and love her as much as we do.  But for now, we're fine with letting him think that babies are really boring and just leaving her alone.
Maternity leave has been a whole new situation that's taken some time for us all to get use to.  Our nanny is still here full time, so she's been a wonderful help with giving him lots of personal attention during the day while I take care of Mim.  As the weeks go by, he's getting more use to me being with the baby, holding her and feeding her all day, but he still has his moments.  When he wants mommy, he gets very upset if I'm holding her. The first few weeks we had a few epic meltdowns because he wanted me to hold him while I was feeding her.  I mean, kicking, screaming, thrashing, head-banging, violent tantrums that absolutely broke my heart.  Gut wrenching.  I never imagined it would be so hard to be in the middle of your two children who both desperately want you and your attention.  How do you choose who to tend to first?  It's one of the biggest challenges I've faced as a parent so far.  I'm not sure this will ever get easier.
I think the hardest part for Mac has been having to share his parents with Mim.   Even though he's getting more use to sharing me with Mim, he's still not ok with sharing his daddy with her.  When Ryan gets home from work, it's Daddy-Mac time and if Ryan even looks in Mim's direction, our little tyrant is not ok with it.  "DADDY NO HOLD MIM!!" gets shouted many many times a night, which is also very hard on Ryan.  He's also being pulled in two directions and it's very emotional for us all.   We definitely don't want Mim to feel abandoned while we put her in the bouncy seat to tend to him.  And we don't want him to feel like we'd rather hold the baby than play with him.  We're trying to get Mac use to the idea of sharing his parents with the baby, but it's going to take some time.  We slowly take turns holding her around him, but sometimes he still gets very upset.  It's a huge adjustment for him and I can't say I blame him for being confused and jealous.  But every day seems to be getting a little bit easier.  It's better now than it was a few weeks ago, so at least we're moving in the right direction.  It may take months, but he'll come around.  
One of the things Ryan and I are both trying to do to help the situation is to spend quality one-on-one time with each kid right now separately.  I've read that this helps with the transition and particularly lets the toddler feel like he's not being replaced or left out, but it's hard.  Newborns inevitably need their mothers (and their mother's "equipment") more than their dads, so I don't get to spend nearly as much time with Mac as I'd like.  I do try to spend alone time with him every day, doing something fun like catch crickets in the front yard or play baseball, but I'm also still recovering from major surgery (and dealing with exhaustion and very sore/painful "equipment"), so I'm limited in what I can do.  I know sometimes that frustrates him.
Ryan is also limited in what he can do with Mim.  Right now we are implementing a divide and conquer strategy with the kids, not by choice, but by default.  They both require so much attention and energy, it's very hard to get anything else done or even all be together.  We love spending time with them individually, but I'm looking forward to the day that they can play with each other or we can all hang out together as a family without the jealousy.  Things feel so divided right now.  I love all the Mim time I get, but I miss my Mac time and time with my husband.  I know it's a phase and it will pass quickly, but it does feel isolating and lonely at times.    
But of course not everything is hard.  It's easy to love these two amazing kids and I'm falling in love with my husband all over again as I watch him with them.  Mim is the sweetest thing ever and Mac has turned into such a funny, smart and ornery kid.  I love watching as both of their personalities continue to shine.  They change so much daily that I find myself just staring at them, trying to memorize every little detail because I know just how quickly it all changes.  Maternity leave has been such a blessing.  Even though I never feel like I have the time (or energy) that I'd like, I love getting to spend so much time with these two.  The days and nights feel so long while you're in them, but the weeks are just flying by and I'm not ready to move past this amazing stage.  As much as I want to move past this tough time, I also want to stay here forever.  Such conflicting emotions.

So for now, that's where we are.  Still adjusting.  Still working on things.  Still trying to figure out how to be a family of four.  Eventually we'll get there.  And in the meantime, we just have to try to enjoy the ride, no matter how bumpy it may be.  Thankfully the views are fantastic and the company is top notch. What a fantastic journey this has already been.  I can't wait to see where we're going next! 

Anyone else having (or had) trouble with the transition?  
Any advice for helping toddlers deal with a new sibling?  I'm all ears!      

26 comments:

  1. I hear you 100% as this sounds exactly like our family right now!! Hang in there!

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  2. Oh girl, seriously, thank you for your honesty. I know it's not all going to be sunshine and rainbows when Nora arrives. We have plenty of moments even now when Hubby & I have to remind ourselves "She's just being 2." It is certainly such a hard time for them, and I'm hoping with Elyse being closer to 3 and same gender as Nora that the transition will be smoother?!? Eghh...who am I kidding?!? It's going to be rough regardless! I'm definitely going to be looking to you as to how this ends up...but in the meantime I think you're doing an amazing job! Sounds like the divide and conquer is helping you to survive right now, and in those early weeks I remember that survival is really all that you're going for!

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  3. I am sorry things are so tough! I've been thinking of you! It sounds like you are making great decisions for both Mim and Mac. While my boys have always loved having a baby around, it still feels isolating when they want to run and play and I'm either nursing or afraid to move bc she might wake. And of course next month things could be totally different! You are such a great and thoughtful mom.

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  4. I have no real advice except for hang in there mama!! I've had a few people tell me if you have to pick which kid to tend to first pick the older one because they're more likely to remember/act out if they feel ignored while your newborn won't remember. I'm not sure if that works or not! I'm coming back later to read on the comments hoping to get some advice for when we go through this in 3 months. At least they're both super cute right?! :)

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  5. Oh, Sara...you're scaring me here! Mine will be the same age difference and genders as yours...and Carter is so much like Mac that it's scary. So, yeah, please report back when you get things figured out!! :) But really, I'm sure time will help things and hopefully you can feel all better soon so you can play more with Mac. Just keep on trying...that's all you can do!!

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  6. I loved this honest look at what life is really like for the toddler to adjust to everything!

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  7. Hang in there mama!! I am sure you will get it all figured out and everything will be running 'smoothly' soon! Thinking about your guys! :)

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  8. 2 is tough, eh? I agree that it may not just be Mim that is the 'issue' - just that he is two. Tantrums? Throwing himself on the floor? Refusing to eat what you give and when you give it? Demanding things of you? Yep...TWO. I only have one and DANG he is awful sometimes. Still love him though :-) Keep on doing what you are doing mama!!!

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  9. Thank you so much for this honest post! I'm due with our 2nd in Jan and ours will be 2 yrs & 5 months apart. You hit the nail on my biggest fears with having a second and it's reassuring know it gets better! Hang in there mama! xo

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  10. Yup - thanks for being honest. The transition from one to two was REALLY hard for me 2 1/2 years ago, and I feel like no one prepared me for it!!! Two is SO much harder than one, and it's because of the older child!

    I'm expecting #3 any day and I feel like I'm going in with more realistic expectations - and a better handle on how to deal with it all!

    Good luck - it gets easier but it sure takes time!

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  11. You know, before clicking over here I was coincidentally just reading over some of my posts from when my 2nd was born 2 1/2 years ago, and remembering those times... it was SO HARD. My oldest is and was and always will be a little spitfire. He is a very sensitive and energetic kid, transitions and changes have always been and still can be difficult, and when Louie was born he was 2 years 4 months. And man. SO FREAKING HARD. And I was so hard on myself as well during those times. Sounds like you are doing everything you can and should be doing, and I promise it will get better with time. I can not even believe how much growing up my kids have done from 2-3, and then 3-4. It's wild.

    Here's the post of mine that I JUST read and that's why I had to comment on this when I saw you posting about it on IG. (I'm alinordy there.) This just really brings me back. It's going to get better girl. Keep on keeping on.

    http://www.agracefuldisaster.blogspot.com/2012/01/three-weeks-with-two-kids.html

    Alicia

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  12. 2 really is such a tough age. I'm sure that 90% of his issues are age based and less so new-baby based. My middle chid had just turned 2 when we had our 3rd and, while she didn't have a tough time adjusting really, she pretty much ignored him completely until he was about 1. It was like he didn't even exist to her! But now that he is running around with his siblings, she includes him much more. Some kids love babies, other's don't. No big deal.
    Also, Mim will never remember that you put her down as a baby to play with Mac, so please do not let that worry you!
    Before we had our second I remember someone recommending that we vocalize to the baby when you are helping your older child, for the older child's sake. The older one is often hearing, "Just a minute, I need to feed the baby." or "Please wait, I'm changing the baby," etc… so when you are playing with Mac or giving him lunch, say to the baby, "Mim, you are going to have to wait, I'm feeding Mac." Something along those lines. Does that make sense? It helps show the 2 year old that he isn't being short changed by being made to wait for your attention at times. We all have to wait sometimes :)
    Anyway, the babies are both adorable and it sounds like overall, everyone is doing so great! It definitely gets easier with time!

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  13. Thank you so much for the raw honesty. While we aren't anywhere near this phase (I mean, we'd need to have a newborn first), I will certainly bookmark this post for the future.
    Hang in there momma. Your family is beautiful and you're doing an amazing job!!

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  14. You really are such a great mom, I love your outlook!!!! Hang in!

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  15. I am so worried about Avery's transition when Luke arrives. We're rocking her world with moving, living with nana and papa and then Luke's arrival all within 6 weeks.

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  16. Oh girl, big hugs! I have been meaning to do my own 'siblings and the adjustment' post and need to get on it ASAP. But seriously, my two year old this time around has been a LOT more challenging than my two year old the first time around. Every kid is just so so so different and yes, the age of two is ROUGH.

    My best advice is to keep doing what you are doing. I like the 1:1 dates with Mac but also spend as much time as you can with the new normal that includes Mim and hubby and mommy. He will come around. And I find that getting OUT of the house is an absolute must for all of our mental sanity levels. If I attempt to stay at home all day long with the kids one of us will inevitably go nutso---having fun activities planned outside of the home is KEY. There will be naps later as necessary because obviously rest is also really important, but still---getting out and doing things helps us a lot.

    It will get easier for sure! You're doing great, mama.

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  17. You are doing so great! There's no doubt that it is hard, that's for sure! Hayden has been similar to Mac in that he really doesn't pay that much attention to Brooks but then the next minute he will ask to hold him or's mother has had with kisses. It just depends on his mood. I can totally relate to you in feeling lonely and isolated when your hubby is playing with Mac and you are constantly having to feed Mim. I feel like everyone else's world keeps going on but you're kind of stuck. Hang in there, it will all change so quickly!

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  18. You are doing so great mama - I can't imagine how tough it must be with a newborn and 2 year old, so hang in there! I loved your honest opinion on how things are going. I remember missing time with my husband when my daughter was born, and now we can have a lot more time together after she's in bed, so remember that it doesn't last forever! Thinking of you, and hoping that the dynamic continues to get better. You're a fabulous mom!

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  19. It's so tough in the beginning but it does get easier!! I think it played in our favor that Bella was just 16 months old when we brought Audriana home because that's really all she knows now. Once Mim starts sleeping more and spacing out feedings a little more you will start to feel like you've settled into your routine. I remember how hard the first 3 months were with random bed times and being up throughout the night but now that we are over that hurdle we love that they have each other. You will melt once they really start to interact :) Hang in there! You've got this!

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  20. This was so refreshing! Kids are hard. Two is harder. So much to balance. I know I'd never be able to handle that with grace. I really can't imagine how hard it must be when Mac throws a huge tantrum while you need to attend to Mim. I'm glad things are looking up though, even if at a snails pace! You've got the right direction =)

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  21. You are doing such a wonderful job! I can just feel the love going on in your family!

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  22. I just love the happiness that comes through from Mac in these photos! Even though your time spent with him is more limited, look at how happy he is when he is with you, he LOVES you so much! I can't speak from experience since I only have one, but I know he will come around. When Mim gets a little older and can do more, he will be SO excited to play with her! You're doing great!

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  23. Love the honesty.It definitely gives me a perspective what life might be like if we decide to have another child. Hang in there, you are doing a great job!

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  24. Hang in there, mama! It won't be this hard for long. I remember thinking that I hated all of my bitch friends who didn't warn me that the first month with two kids two years apart would be the definition of hell. Lilly was pretty enamored with C for the first little bit. That is not to say she never had tantrums or expressed her jealousy in other ways, but as you said, 'tis the age. I am betting that as Mim gets bigger and can do more, Mac may take more interest in her. 6 months in now Lilly is not liking that Craft is doing things and wants to hold her toys. I swear we have lessons on sharing all day every day. Lord help me!

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  25. It is so, so, so hard. It's finally getting a lot easier in the past few weeks (so, maybe 4 months in?), but it's still tough for me to see other people's picture-perfect toddler-on-baby sibling snapshots... because, even though it's much better, it's still not the adorable insta-sibling bond like I hoped it would be!

    Like Mac, Leighton ignored Brady for the most part at the beginning. She asked to hold him maybe once a day for the first few days he was home... and then wanted nothing to do with him (except to pretend like she was going to kill him randomly). The only attention she paid him was to throw tantrums when I held him. And her tantrums / pushing boundaries in general just shot up in number. It was super difficult for me to handle when Evan went back to work and my parents left. We all cried a lot ;)

    Slowly but surely, it just got better. Leighton still isn't a doting big sister, but she no longer runs full throttle toward Bradywith all her muscles clenched and this look on her face like "I'M GONNA PUMMEL HIM WITH MY TINY MUSCLES." And the random tantrums have decreased a ton. She does wonder what Brady's doing / where he is, and she will occasionally bring him toys or cover him with blankets / give him a pacifier. She now pretends she has a baby (a rotating stuffed animal) -- and she wants to use all of Brady's stuff for her baby (diapers, swing, RNP, playmat, car seat, etc). I feel like that's a step in the right direction even though she's stealing all his shit for her baby (???). At least she seems receptive to a baby's needs.

    A few tips... As for who to care for first, I almost always pick the toddler. She can usually be appeased with a snack or stickers or something really quick. Then I tend to the baby, and finally circle back to the toddler to make sure everything is 100% smoothed over. This means Brady cries more than Leighton did at his age, but I think he's going to turn out okay ;) One thing that really seemed to help Leighton when she was in Mac's current situation and miffed about attention being on Brady was talk about all the things the baby is too little to do. We'd start naming things and ask her if Brady could do them... It would get silly and ridiculous, but she loved talking about all the things her little brother was missing out on ("Can Brady eat pizza? Nooooooo!" "Can Brady feed the ducks? Noooooooo!" "Can Brady jump in a bouncy house?" Nooooo!"). After a few rounds, she'd start randomly talking about things Brady can't do out of the blue.

    TL; DR: It's so hard. Hang in there. As my grandmother is fond of saying "how would you feel if Evan came home with another woman and said 'here's my new wife! I am sure y'all will get along swimmingly! LOVE HER NOW!'...that's how a new big sister/brother feels!"

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