Running from the Law: Let Me Teach You

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Let Me Teach You

Damn.  I know it’s only Day 2, but this whole blogging every day for a month thing is HARD.  Today’s topic (as chosen by the lovely Jenni from The Story of My Life) is:

“Educate us on something you know a lot about or are good at.”  


I've been thinking about this for a while and have to say that I don’t really feel qualified to teach you all about anything because I don’t really know that much about anything myself.  I mean, in this world of Pinterest tutorials on everything from how to clean your iron, to how to wrap gifts with fabric scraps, to how to paint Hello Kitty on your fingernails, I’m just not sure what else I can contribute.  Those are some serious skills that everyone should know.  How could I possibly compete?

However, I know I’m not completely lacking in know-how.  I have SKILLZ too!  Somewhere.  So I put together a list of things I felt qualified to teach you about. 

  1. How to get your baby to NOT sleep through the night
  2. How to function at work on 4 hours of sleep and 82 cups of coffee
  3. How to suck at housework
  4. How to get ridiculously (and embarrassingly) addicted to Candy Crush Saga
  5. How to keep on all the baby weight 1 year + after the baby
  6. How to order take-out like a boss
  7. How to lose your sunglasses, keys and phone at least three times a day
  8. How to spend hours on Pinterest while drinking an entire bottle of wine (a/k/a multi-tasking)
  9. How to spend hundreds of dollars at the grocery store to still not have anything to eat
  10. How to live covered head-to-toe in dog hair
  11. How to pair yoga pants with everything in your closet
  12. How to not murder your husband as he sleeps while the baby screams in the other room
  13. How to sing ridiculous songs in your “baby voice” and clap for hours and hours on end
  14. How to spend your entire paycheck at J. Crew
  15. How to balance a martini glass in one hand and a baby in the other
  16. How to watch nine straight hours of Vampire Diaries and not feel bad about it
  17. How to eat your weight in S'mores
  18. How to whine, bitch and moan enough to get your husband to make dinner or take out the trash
  19. How to find the answer to anything
  20. How to cuss like a sailor in pearls and high heels

So dear readers, which would you like me to blog about?  Which of these tutorials would help you the most?  I think they’re all pretty worthy topics and I’d love to share my expertise. 

If you had to “teach” someone something, what would it be?


  1. I love you. I am laughing so hard. How about we discuss J Crew? And I've seen you handle a baby and booze in both hands, you are pretty badass at that.

    Oh, and next visit? S'mores by the firepit. DONE.

  2. OMG! This is great! I'm also having a hard time figuring out what today's post will be about. I don't feel qualified to teach anyone anything, but there were several in your list that made me go "YES! I CAN TEACH THAT, TOO!!"

    Way to go, Momma!! :)

  3. 3,5,7,9,10 & 11 all pertain to my life right now! Thank you, I needed that laugh today! Glad we are in the same boat!

  4. I love all of these..but that # 12....that one, I can totally understand but could probably use a bit more "teaching" on. Let's face's hard NOT to strangle them!

  5. hahaha love all of these! Especially 15, 16, and 20!

  6. Candy Crush is the bane of my existence......

  7. Oh girl. I echo #7-#11 (seriously, yoga pants, how i love thee) , and can play with my neighbors kids while drinking wine out of a solo cup like a true class act. I swear like a sailor as well - but have managed not to teach said neighbor kids anything worse than "sucks" .... yet ....

  8. I love your multitasking definition. I knew there was a reason we got along so well!

  9. So glad I started following your blog after your BF diaries post! This cracked me up! I like #9 the best :)

  10. I'd say all of these are pretty relevant, go ahead and skill us in them all :)

  11. These are all awesome and I think any would be beneficial to learn about! Number 15 sounds extremely impressive!

  12. Love this list, love you! You're awesome. Also, you could teach any number of totally amazing things. Plan a GORGEOUS wedding, take great photographs, build awesome shit from wood like a boss - the list goes on and on.

  13. Hahahahaha I am pretty good at all of these too and I don't even have a baby yet. Candy crush is so sadly addicting I'm so mad I ever downloaded it. Now I'm seriously craving smores- I might make my husband go get me some

  14. This post is by far my fave of all that I've read today! Made my night--I love it because you are SO real and SO you!!

  15. And oh my goodness..just saw your nursery picture on the sidebar--that is something you can blog about! Decorating a rockin' nursery!

  16. I'm a reader but I just don't comment. :-) I had my 3rd boy around the same time you had Mac. He will be 1 tomorrow and he is our last. sniff, sniff. I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with him turning 1 that I haven't done a single thing for his birthday. Poor 3rd child. Maybe if I don't acknowledge it, it won't happen?? Anyway, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post. Hilarious!!! You win hands down for best mommy of the year!! I guarantee your child will be happier and healthier than all the "perfect" mommies' kids. :-)

  17. BAHA! Yes. I can relate to Which ever you choose will be freaking amazing!

  18. Oh my gosh, you are hilarious! Let's be friends! Seriously. We are almost the same person! I'm really looking forward to reading more!

  19. LMAO... YES YES YES. But please, on a series note, teach me #2.

  20. LOVE this post! You are too funny! Thank you for your authenticity. I am so #3 and #9! And add to #9 "how to spend hundreds of dollars at Target on absolutely nothing you need." I'll be pinning your tutorials for sure!

  21. Haha umm you are hands down my favorite blogger. Ever. Can I request that you review each and every one of these topics? Because I'm pretty sure I can relate to 99% of them!
    I could teach you how to suck at consistently blogging, I'm pretty amazing at that ;)

  22. I've been stuck on the same level of Candy Crush for weeks now and after I had previously been moving through levels like a Candy Crush Queen- since getting stuck on the same level I've become concerned that maybe I had an aneurysm and my brain isn't working properly anymore. I'm considering googling to see how others have strategized to pass this level. Then I realize Candy Crush is taking over my life!:) Love your blog!

  23. Swoon worthy post right there!!! I adore you and your outlook! Cheers to toting babies and a martini!!!

  24. Probably how to scramble an egg. I make amazing scrambled eggs. I think all of your skills are amazing!